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    These Customers Aren’t Even Faintly Sharp

    | Canada | Crazy Requests, Health & Body

    (A female and male customer walk into my tattoo parlor.)

    Female Customer: “Hi, I’d like to get my lip pierced, but I’m terrified of needles. Is there anything you can do?”

    Me: “Well, you could use [freezing cream] which would numb the skin and you wouldn’t feel a thing.”

    Female Customer: “Hmm, I don’t think so. Just show me the needle and I’ll faint, and then you can do the piercing.”

    Me: “Uh, I think that’s illegal.”

    (As I say this, the female customer has apparently spotted some of our needles nearby still in their packaging, which she apparently has no problems with. Without warning, she grabs one, rips it out of its packaging and proceeds to faint on the spot. The male customer speaks up in her place.)

    Male Customer: “Can’t you just do it now?”

    (I proceed to call an ambulance. Thankfully the woman is fine. My coworkers and I still talk about it!)

    They Have Trouble Written All Over Them

    | GA, USA | Family & Kids, Underaged

    (I own a tattoo parlor in a small section of the downtown area. I won’t tattoo anyone who is drunk, or even if I suspect they have been drinking. This takes place the day after I turned away someone who didn’t even look old enough to get a tattoo, let alone drink. They return with what appears to be a parent.)

    Young customer: “That’s the b**** who wouldn’t give me a tattoo last night!”

    Older customer: “Is that true?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Older customer: “Well, why the h*** not?”

    Me: “First, she had no ID. Secondly, she was drunk.”

    Older customer: “So what? There is no excuse for you not giving her a tattoo. Haven’t you heard that the customer is always right?!”

    Me: “We don’t tattoo drunk people. Also, if you have no ID, I can’t tattoo you.”

    Older customer: “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!”

    Me: “Well, I don’t know what to tell you then.”

    Young customer: “Here’s my ID now, d***!” *throws the ID at me*

    Me: Uh huh, so you’re sixteen, and you are who to this person exactly?”

    Older customer: “Her father!”

    Me: “Right. Well, I’m just going to go ahead and call the police.”

    Older customer: “Do that! I’ll have you arrested!”

    Me: “For what, exactly? Refusing to give your drunk underage daughter a tattoo? You do realize that her drinking is against the law, don’t you? If someone is getting arrested today, it won’t be me.”

    Older customer: “I’ll teach you! I’ll kick your a**!”

    (The older customer attempts to hit me, but I’ve been around long enough that I know how to defend myself. I quickly react in defense, knocking him onto his rear end, much to his shock.)

    Me: “This will go one of two ways. You can get the h*** out of my parlor, or I can throw you out of it. And if I ever see either one of you around here again, the police will be the least of your worries. Am I clear?”

    (The older customer grabs the younger one by the arm, and bolts. I haven’t seen them in the area since.)

    Weekend Roundup: Caught Red-Handed

    , , , , | Not Always Right | Roundups

    Caught Red-Handed! There’s nothing quite as sheisty as customer trying to pull a fast one—and nothing quite as satisfying as catching one red-handed!

    1. Caught Red-Handed:
      A sneaky customer gets called out by another customer—who just happens to be an employee!
    2. Piercing Observation:
      Underaged customers FAIL, basic biology WIN.
    3. Caught Brown Handed:
      Proof that some trails of evidence are self-evident, salty and sticky!
    4. Tripped Up:
      If customers are gonna cry child abuse, they’d better “step” up their game!
    5. A Squeaky Clean Record:
      An employee takes it easy on a young (and very squeaky) scammer.

    PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

    PS #2: Read more roundups here!

    What’s “Bad Liar” In Asian

    | Toronto, Canada | Top, Underaged

    (Two obviously underaged girls walk into my tattoo parlor.)

    Girl #1: “We want to get our names in Asian writing.”

    Me: “Asian writing–you mean like in kanji? It doesn’t really work that way. You’d have to get someone to translate it as best they can and then bring it in to us.”

    Girl #2: “Can’t we just tell you our names and you write them in Asian?”

    Me: “No, I’m a tattooer and unfortunately don’t have a second job as a translator. Also, how old are you?”

    Girl #1: “I’m…16. You have to be 16 to get tattooed right?”

    Me: “Only if you also have a copy of your ID and parental consent.”

    Girl #2: “Uh…we don’t have our IDs. They got stolen. Can’t we just call my mom?”

    Me: “No.”

    Girl #1: “What if we really promise not to tell?”

    Me: “No. ‘Really promise’ doesn’t exactly meet health board requirements.”

    Girl #2: “There’s a board for health?”

    Piercing Observation

    | Miami, FL, USA | Family & Kids, Top, Underaged

    (I’m approached by what looks to be a teenager and a younger child.)

    Teenager: “Hello. My daughter would like to get her belly button pierced.”

    Me: “Did the man at the front check your ID?”

    Teenager: “No.”

    Me: “I’m going to have to.”

    (I see that he is seventeen years old.)

    Me: “Sir, this ID shows that you’re even younger then me. How old are you?”

    Younger Child: “Eleven.”

    Me: “So she’s eleven?”

    Teenager: “Yes.”

    Me: “And you’re seventeen?”

    Teenager: “Yes.”

    Me: “So you had her when you were six?”

    *long pause*

    Younger Child: “I told you it wouldn’t work, dumba**!”

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