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    Each Birthday Brings Darker Days

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada |

    Customer: “Do you guys still do that free tan on your birthday thing?”

    Me: “Yes, we do!”

    Customer: “Well, no one called me!”

    Me: “Oh, we don’t actually call the clients.”

    Customer: “How am I supposed to know when to come then?”

    Me: “You just come in on your birthday.”

    Customer: “Well, when is that?”

    He Who Shall Not Be Sprayed

    | South Hill, WA, USA |

    Customer: “I would like to use my upgrades to spray tan.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t do that anymore, our new system doesn’t allow us to.”

    Customer: “Well, just type in your magic code or something!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. It physically won’t let us do that.”

    Customer: “You don’t have a magic code?”

    Me: “No, sorry.”

    Customer: “But you look like Hermione from that magic movie…”

    You’re Not Burning, But My Eyes Are

    | Texas, USA |

    (I’m working the front of a tanning salon and a customer comes up to me, completely naked.)

    Customer: “Does this tan look even to you?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I need you to go back to your booth and put your clothes on. You’re bothering the other customers.”

    Customer: “But I need to know if this tan is even. Does it look like I’m burning?”

    Me: *trying not to look at her* “Ma’am, I’m sorry. I need you to go back to your booth and put your clothes on. You can’t just walk around naked.”

    Customer: “Fine! You’re no help at all!”

    Wesley Called, He Wants His Tan Back

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Top

    (Customer walks in and is a bright white Jewish guy with a big beard.)

    Me: “How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, my brother says you can give me a tan so I can look like Wesley Snipes.”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “You know Wesley Snipes, He’s got a great tan. It looks like he’s a real black guy.”

    Me: “Wesley Snipes IS a REAL black guy.”

    Customer: “Yeah, because of the great tan he’s got.”

    Me: “…Okay?”

    Customer: “Look, I just need to be as dark as that guy so I can learn how to rap.”

    Me: “You can learn how to rap without being black. Look at Eminem.”

    Customer: “Are you gonna give me a tan or what? I have all the money to pay for it.”

    Me: “Well, okay. If that’s what you want…but you’re gonna have to shave off that beard and go to the jewelry shop across the street to buy a giant platinum chain with diamonds all over it.”

    Customer: “Smart a**!”

    (So we put him through the spray tanner like ten times and made him pay 35 bucks for every time. We had almost gotten him as black as Wesley Snipes when our boss walked in and asked what the h*ll was going on. He said we had to shave all beards before starting the process. So, now this guy gets his beard shaved by my coworker and the result was the funniest thing I had ever seen in my life. He looked like a freaking raccoon!)

    (The customer looks in the mirror.)

    Customer: “You sons of b**ches, you did this on purpose! You racist b**tards hate Jewish people! All I wanted was a f**king tan!”

    (The raccoon got dressed super fast and ran out…)