Featured Story:
  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Frequent Diers Club

    | Glasgow, Scotland, UK |

    Me: “Hi there.”

    Customer: *smiles* “I got out o’ rehab yesterday. I was in fer 16 weeks! I was in fer the drink.”

    Me: “Oh, right…”

    Customer: “I went fer a drink to celebrate last night, just 1 or 2 ya know. I got carried away and woke up in a hospital the’ mornin, tubes in ma nose and s***. They brought me back 9 times.”

    Me: “9 times… they resuscitated you?!”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’ve died a few times now. Been hit by 12 cars, been through 4 windscreens… in all been brought back over 30 times a think.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “What’s that thing with lotsa lives?”

    Me: “A cat?”

    Customer: No, more than a cat… oh wait, yeah! They call me the cat! But I have more than a cat… they call me Supercat!”

    Me: “Don’t you think you should cut back on the drinking?”

    Customer: “Och, I just gotta stick to ma limits and no drink 3 litres. 1 litre is ma limit!”

    Bad News About Your Doppelganger

    | London, UK |

    Customer: *to his wife* “My God. This girl looks just like that one in the paper today, on the front page. Don’t you think?”

    Customer’s Wife: “I don’t know, maybe a little bit.”

    Customer: “Yes. She’s dead though.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: *to me* “Has anyone ever told you that? I bet you get it all the time. You look just like that girl who died parachuting.”

    Me: “Well sir, she’s only in the papers today because she died yesterday. I don’t think anybody knew who she was before.”

    Customer: “Well, you look so much like her. Careful you don’t run into any of her relatives, now!”

    Thanks For Clearing That Up

    | Taylor, MI, USA |

    (I notice a female customer shoving a few acne treatments into her purse.)

    Me: “Excuse me, miss; you’re going to have to pay for those.”

    Customer: “For what?”

    Me: “For the treatments you just shoved into your purse.”

    Customer: *sounding offended* “I did no such thing!”

    Me: “Fine. Will you please show me there aren’t any stolen items in your bag?”

    Customer: “No! You’re only doing this because I’m ugly!”

    Me: “…what?”

    Customer: “I can’t believe an ugly person can’t go out into public anymore without be accused of stealing!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I’m never coming here again! *storms out, setting off the alarm and alerting security*

    Co-worker: “Maybe we should have just let her have them.”

    It’s Best To Not Get Involved

    | New Haven, CT, USA |

    (I’m putting up price tags, and a woman is heard screaming on her phone off in the distance.)

    Customer: “Why can’t I ever make you happy? Nothing I ever do for you is enough…. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? YOU’RE NEVER HAPPY!”

    (She stops at the condoms section; the section I’m working on at the time, and grabs a 30-pack of condoms.)

    Customer: “You know what? I’m getting condoms at ****. BE READY WHEN I GET HOME.” *storms off*

    Pepsi With A Hint Of Levis

    | Worcester, MA, USA |

    (A customer places a 2 liter bottle of soda down at the end of the conveyor belt. When the conveyor belt, moves the bottle falls over and the cap shatters; the soda leaks all over my pants.)

    Me: “Sir, you’re going to have to get another bottle if you still want to buy the soda.”

    Customer: “But I wanted that bottle!”

    Me: “Well, then… I’ll just squeeze the soda from my pants back into the bottle for you.”

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