Short Changed In The Intelligence Department

| Netherlands | Uncategorized

Me: “That’ll be 21 euros, please.”

(The customer hands me a 50 euro bill.)

Me: “Would you have a 1 euro coin with that?”

Customer: “No, only 2 euros.”

Me: “Yes, please. That’ll be fine too.”

(The customer hands me two one euro coins.)

A Real Oxymoron

| New York, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m putting a sale sign above a cooler containing shrimp when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Jumbo shrimp? That’s funny.”

Me: “Yeah it’s kind of an oxymoron, huh?”

Customer: “What the h*** did you just call me?”

Me: “An oxymoron is an English term, sir.”

Customer: “I don’t care if it’s a French term! Nobody insults me and gets away with it!”

(The customer suddenly grabs me and puts me into a tackle. He held me in it for a good 30 seconds before coworkers arrived to help!)

A Burning Question

| Sheffield, UK | Sheffield, UK | Uncategorized

(The fire alarm has gone off. The fire department have arrived and the whole building is evacuated. A customer attempts to enter.)

Me: “Excuse me, the store is closed due to a fire.”

Customer: “I only want a couple of things.”

Me: “There is a fire. We have evacuated the building.” *points to scared looking customers and employees*

Customer: “I only want bread an milk.”

Me: “The building is on fire! I’m sorry, sir, but we will be unlikely to serve anyone until tomorrow!”

Customer: “Oh! Does that mean the fresh vegetables are on offer?” *tries to push past me*

Me: “No. Nothing is on offer at all because the store is closed.”

(At this point more customers are arriving.)

Customer #2: “So we can’t even pay? Those people got sent home with their stuff for free!” *points to customers loading their cars with stolen goods*

Me: “No, they have stolen those things. They have been caught on camera, and they will be prosecuted when the emergency is over.”

Customer #2: “Oh, so I can get my stuff for free?”

Original customer: “Does that mean it’s free if we eat it all tonight?”

Me: “No. Wait…what?”

Because They’re All Like Julie Andrews

| Sheffield, UK | Uncategorized

(I have a more pronounced British accent due to my upbringing.)

Me: “Good afternoon. How may I help you?”

American customer: *gasps* “Omigod! You’re British! You’re all ‘British-y’! Like on TV! Oh my God! Will you talk to my wife? She would love your voice!”

Me: “Uh…thank you. Sure. Where is she?”

(He takes out a phone, dialing.)

American customer: “Honey, I found an English girl! She sounds really British and everything!” *hands me the phone*

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m really confused and I have no idea what to say. Do you have a customer service related query?”

Wife on phone: *gasps* “Oh wow! Honey, your voice is beautiful!”

Me: “Thank you?”

American customer: “Do you sing too?”

Those Must Be The Mighty Ducks

| Wellington, New Zealand | Uncategorized

(Two customers are unloading $250 of cat food and bread onto my checkout.)

Me: “Hey, you having a good day?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “So, you got a lot of cats?”

Customer: “No. We just leave it outside overnight.”

Me: “Oh, right. What’s with the bread, you having some sort of party or something?”

(Keep in mind this is a good 50 loaves of bread.)

Customer: *vaguely* “Oh no, we’re going to the duck pond later today.”

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