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    It’s Best To Not Get Involved

    | New Haven, CT, USA |

    (I’m putting up price tags, and a woman is heard screaming on her phone off in the distance.)

    Customer: “Why can’t I ever make you happy? Nothing I ever do for you is enough…. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? YOU’RE NEVER HAPPY!”

    (She stops at the condoms section; the section I’m working on at the time, and grabs a 30-pack of condoms.)

    Customer: “You know what? I’m getting condoms at ****. BE READY WHEN I GET HOME.” *storms off*

    Pepsi With A Hint Of Levis

    | Worcester, MA, USA |

    (A customer places a 2 liter bottle of soda down at the end of the conveyor belt. When the conveyor belt, moves the bottle falls over and the cap shatters; the soda leaks all over my pants.)

    Me: “Sir, you’re going to have to get another bottle if you still want to buy the soda.”

    Customer: “But I wanted that bottle!”

    Me: “Well, then… I’ll just squeeze the soda from my pants back into the bottle for you.”

    Confessions Of A Teenage Bagger

    | Frankfort, KY, USA |

    (I’m a 17 year old bag boy at a local grocer. I’m finishing up an order when the customer, a middle-aged woman, walks uncomfortably close to me and stares at my curly hair.)

    Me: “How are you doing this evening, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I love your hair.”

    Me: “Uh… thanks. I kind of hate it, to be honest.”

    Customer: “I just want to go barefooted and romp around in it like I was in a meadow.”

    Me: “… have a good day, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Bye!”

    (She winks. I shudder.)

    This Was Before He Started Lobbing Cantaloupes

    | Canberra, Australia |

    Me: “If I can just get your signature there…”

    Elderly customer: *scribbles his name, then starts drawing on the counter*

    Me: “Uh… sir?”

    Elderly customer: *starts drawing up the side of the cash register*

    Me: “Sir? You just… sign your name.”

    Elderly customer: *doodles in the air, up and up… and then jabs me in the forehead with the pen and draws lines on my face*

    Me: “What the h***?”

    Elderly customer: “Reactions like that would have gotten you killed in the war!”

    The War Of 1812 Revisited

    | Baltimore, MD, USA |

    Me: “Have a good day, sir.”

    Old man: “Thank you. Is your family doing anything for the 4th of July?”

    Me: “Not really. We’re Canadian so we may hold a BBQ on July 1st, which is Canada Day.”

    Old man: “WHAT? You’re not American? I thought all foreigners had to become American when they came to this country!”

    Me: “No sir, my family all has green cards, so we’re all still Canadian citizens.”

    Old man: “I’M SICK OF ALL YOU F***ING ILLEGAL ALIENS TAKING ALL OUR F***ING JOBS! AN AMERICAN BOY SHOULD HAVE YOUR JOB!”

    Related:
    The War Of 1812 Redux

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