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  • Going Nuts For Nuts

    | County Limerick, Ireland |

    (A customer comes up to my counter; he seems to be on something because he’s grinding his jaw and his pupils are dilated.)

    Me: “Hi there, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “I need some f***ing nuts and bolts now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, this is the butcher’s counter. You’ll find some nuts and bolts in the hardware section.”

    Customer: “But I love nuts. Don’t you love nuts? They’re so shiny and they are just so useful!”

    (The customer keeps talking and talking, so I take it on myself to walk him to the hardware section to get his nuts and bolts.)

    Me: “Here you are sir, your nuts and bolts.”

    Customer: “Thanks, man!”

    (I watch as the customer gets dozens of nuts and bolts and heads to the front of the store. Without warning, he starts hurling them at the checkout girl. Another coworker and I wrestle him to the ground, but not before he crams some of them into his mouth begins to choke on them. Thankfully, we’re able to stop him. The ambulance and the police arrive shortly thereafter and take care of things from there. Craziest 10 minutes of my life.)

    Identity Crisis

    | United Kingdom |

    Customer: “Hi, I want 20 Marlboros.”

    Me: “Do you have any ID at all?”

    (The customer lifts his right sleeve on his t-shirt to reveal a tattoo of a date.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t accept that.”

    Customer: “Why not? That’s my f***ing date of birth! You think I‚Äôd just get some random date done on my arm?”

    Me: “We need photo ID, sir, like a driver’s license or a passport.”

    (The customer points at his face.)

    Me: “Umm…”

    How About “Shop Around The Clock”

    | Canterbury, England, UK |

    (A customer comes up to our customer service desk complaining about music playing in our store.)

    Customer: “I want you to take that last song off the speakers.”

    Me: “Umm, ‘Don’t Upset The Rhythm’? Is that the one?”

    Customer: “The one that goes ‘Go Baby Go Baby Go’?”

    Me: “Yeah.”

    Customer: “Yes, take it off. It’s pressuring me to hurry my shopping!”

    Doubling in Dublin

    | Dublin, Ireland |

    (Note: It’s several days before Valentine’s Day.)

    Customer: “Just these, please!”

    (The customer hands me two Valentine’s Day cards. One is titled “To my wife,” and the other is titled “To my girlfriend”. Got to love his lack of shame!)

    Selfish Smokers

    | London, UK | Health & Body, Top

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “A packet of 20 Marlboro Lights, please.”

    (I hand him the cigarettes.)

    Customer: “Wait, I don’t want these ones.”

    Me: “Why? They’re Marlboro Lights. Did you change your mind?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want ones with this health warning about cigarettes causing impotency.”

    Me: “Ok. Do you want ‘smoking harms those around you,’ or ‘smoking causes testicular cancer?’”

    Customer: “Give me the ‘harms others’ ones.”

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