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    A Tale of Two Poultries, Two Meanings, And Two Hands

    | Moe, Australia |

    (It’s almost closing time at the supermarket deli. Two hot chickens are left and have been reduced to half price.)

    Male customer: “Can I please get the last 2 chickens?”

    (As I’m getting the chickens, a female customer rushes up to the deli counter.)

    Female customer: “Excuse me. I was here first, before, and I wanted one of those chickens.”

    Me: “Sorry…when I looked up, there was only one customer.”

    Female customer: “You had your head down before.”

    Me: “Well, I‚Äôm sorry. They‚Äôve been sold to this man, as he was the only customer here. Unless he‚Äôd like to let you have one?”

    Male customer: “No, I‚Äôd like them both, thanks.”

    Female customer: “I hope you choke on that chicken!” *storms out*

    Coworkers Uber Alles

    | Huntingdon, UK | Top

    (A young teenage girl comes up to my till and places several bottles of alcopops on it.)

    Me: “I’m sorry miss, but as you don’t look over 21 I am afraid I am going to have to ask to see some ID for these.”

    Girl: “What? I’m old enough. Obviously. Like, I never get asked for ID.”

    Me: “Well I’m afraid I still need ID.”

    Girl: “Why you being rude? I told you I am old enough.”

    (This continues for about 25 minutes until I get fed up.)

    Me: “Look, you obviously don’t have any ID so I am not going to serve you. If you want to complain you can go to customer services.”

    Girl: “Fine!”

    (Ten minutes later, my supervisor comes over.)

    Supervisor: “I just heard you got a complaint. I must say that I am very disappointed.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. I just lost it, I guess.”

    Supervisor: *laughs* “Oh, no. That’s fine. Just that we all had a bet on how long you would last. If only you would have lasted a little longer.”

    (A little while after this, the girl returns. She’s led by a much older man who I guess is her father. He places on my till the exact same items his daughter had.)

    Man: “Right. I want these and before you ask, here is my ID.”

    (He pulls out his driver’s license and waves it in my face, smirking to his daughter. He obviously thinks he is being really clever.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t sell you these.”

    Man: “Why the h*** not?! I’m plenty old enough!”

    Me: “Yes, sir. But it is also quite obvious that you are buying them for this girl, which means I can’t sell them to you.”

    Man: “I want to speak with your supervisor.”

    (I call my supervisor over and explain the situation. The man jumps in before she can respond.)

    Man, to supervisor: “So, what you gonna do? You gonna sell me these d*** drinks and fire that little s***?!”

    Supervisor: *calmly* “I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I will give you thirty seconds to get out or I will call the police. Buying alcohol for a minor is a criminal offense.”

    (Needless to say he left in a hurry, muttering furiously to his daughter. Sometimes, with the worst customers, you find the best coworkers.)

    How About We Get Them To Do An Irish Jig For You

    | Israel |

    (A customer is looking at the live fish swimming in the tank at the supermarket where my mom works.)

    Customer: “Are these fresh?”

    Mom: “They’re alive.”

    Customer: “But are they FRESH?”

    Mom: “… yes.”

    Guidance Counseling, Customer Style

    | United Kingdom |

    (I’m finishing a long transaction for a supermarket customer.)

    Customer: “You realise that you didn’t say ‘please or ‘thank you’ throughout all of that?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I thought I did.”

    Customer: “Do you go to college or is this your full time job?!’

    Me: “I go to college, but–”

    Customer: “GOOD! DON’T DO THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY CRAP AT IT!”

    Education Is No Guarantee

    | New York, USA |

    Customer: “A packet of cigarettes and some gum, please.”

    Me: “I’ll need an ID for the cigarettes, sir.”

    Customer: “What? Why?!”

    Me: “If you look under 30 we need an ID.”

    Customer: “But…why?”

    Me: “It’s against the law to sell cigarettes to underaged persons. If there’s any risk of it, I need to check IDs or any other proof of identity, such as a driver’s license, passport, etc.”

    Customer: “But, like, WHY?!”

    Me: “It’s against the law. I could be fired or fined, and you’d get a penalty as well.”

    Customer: “Yeah, but WHY?!”

    Me: “It’s illegal, sir.”

    Customer: “WHY?!”

    Me: “Because…smoking is dangerous.”

    Customer: “What?! Why?”

    Me: “It has a lot of poisonous chemicals and known carcinogens in it.”

    Customer: “Your cigarettes have carcinogens in them? Eww, I’m not buying these.”

    Me: “Sir, the packet clearly reads “SMOKING KILLS”. Wasn’t that a hint?”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you’d sell CARCINOGENS. That’s just…ugh. Just give me some gum!”

    Me: “Um… okay, sir, which flavor and brand?”

    Customer: “Any flavor, any brand… umm, do you have that nicotine gum stuff?”

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