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    Doesn’t Want To Provide Proof

    | East Lothian, Scotland, UK | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Religion

    (An elderly Muslim woman and her niece, who is in her 30s, are regular customers. They are both very nice people and are always friendly. Today the niece is in on her own and approaches the checkout.)

    Niece: “Is my aunt in?”

    Me: “I haven’t seen her.”

    Niece: “Is her car in the car park?”

    (I look as far as I can into the store car park.)

    Me: “I can’t see it.”

    Niece: “Good. Can I have a litre-bottle of [Cheap Brand] vodka, please.”

    Hopefully Customers Like This Aren’t A Dime A Dozen

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I work at the customer service desk, where we also sell helium-filled party balloons. A customer approaches my desk.)

    Customer: “Can I get a balloon with no air in it?”

    Coworker: “Okay, that’s 10 cents.”

    (He gives me a dime and takes the balloon and leaves. He comes back shortly.)

    Customer: “Do you have any bigger ones?”

    (I think this is weird, but I decides to help out instead of question.)

    Coworker: “Okay, I think this one looks bigger.”

    (He gives me another dime and leaves. Sometime later, he returns.)

    Customer: “Are you sure this is the biggest you have?”

    Coworker: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’m going to say it. Do you sell condoms without any of that goo on it?”

    The Gift Of Friendship

    | NY, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre

    Customer: “I am going to pay with a gift card.”

    Me: “Okay, swipe it there.”

    Customer: *swipes gift card*

    Me: “Would you like me to take the gift card for you? There’s nothing left on it.”

    Customer: “No, I like to keep them on my desk.”

    Me: “Okay…”

    Customer: “I keep them on my desk because when I invite my friends over, I see who’s really my friend. If the gift card is still there when they leave, they are a true friend. If not, I know to have a shotgun waiting for them when they come back!”

    Me: “… Good idea?”

    Now Has Self-Scanning Under Their Belt

    | PA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I am working the self-scans when I see a customer put some grapes on the electronic scale and enter the produce number.)

    Self-Scan: “Place your item on the belt.”

    (The customer leaves the grapes on the scale.)

    Self Scan: “If you wish to purchase this item, please place it on the belt.”

    (The customer still keeps the grapes on the scale.)

    Self-Scan: “Please remove all items and try again.”

    (After the self-scan says this, the customer takes the grapes off the scale and places it on the belt. The customer then tries to scan another item but nothing happens.)

    Self-Scan: “Please remove all items from the front belt.”

    (The customer takes the grapes off the belt, places them on the scale and re-enters the produce. Once again, when the customer is told to move her item to the belt, she leaves it on the scale. She then takes the grapes from the scale and places it on the belt. Confused about what is happening, she calls me over.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I keep trying to purchase these grapes but every time I put them on the belt, it tells me to take it off.”

    (I put the customer’s grapes on the scale, enter the produce number, and place them on the belt when I’m told.)

    Customer: “What did you do?”

    Me: “I entered your grapes, weighed them, and placed them on the belt when told to.”

    Customer: “But that’s what I did.”

    Me: “Actually, what you did was put them on the belt after the self-scan told you to remove them.”

    Customer: “So when do I put them on the belt?”

    Me: “The first time it tells you to.”

    Customer: “So when the self-scan tells me to put something on the belt, that’s when I do it?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Customer: “You learn something new every day!”

    Oh, Boy!

    | New Zealand | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Top

    (I’m working the checkout on a fairly light day. The next person in queue has a young girl with her, about six or seven years old. The girl pulls out a hat from her pocket and puts it on, then reaches for an energy drink on display.)

    Mum: “Sweetie, you can’t have that. They’re not good for you.”

    (The girl’s face and shoulders drop as she is visibly and suddenly deflated. She takes off her hat and puts the can back.)

    Girl: “But mum… I was Mikey! He has them all the time! How did you know it was me? Mikey told me when I wear his hat you would think I was him and would let me buy it, and wouldn’t know it was me.”

    Mum: “Oh, sweetie, I’m your mummy. I would recognize you anywhere, no matter whose hat you were wearing.”

    (The girl calms down, but is still upset. As her mother and I exchange pleasantries, the girl puts the hat back on and pulls it down low over her face, but I can still see her lips trembling.)

    Me: “What a lovely boy you have there, ma’am. He looks really big and strong.”

    (The girl cranes her neck up to look at me under the low visor, her eyes huge and shining.)

    Me: “Hi, young man. What’s your name?”

    Girl: *smiling and trying to fake a deeper voice* “Mikey! Mikey! Michael.”

    Me: “That’s a great name, son. You take good care of your mum there, okay?”

    (She nods gravely, completely happy and satisfied. As they walk out, I hear the girl’s tiny voice.)

    Girl: “Mummy, mummy, I knew it! I knew it would work! Mikey said it would! Do you think daddy would know it’s me, too?”

    (The mother turns and gives me a thankful smile and a wink before leaving.)


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