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    Driving Miss Ditzy

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. Would you like me to take your groceries to your car?”

    Customer: “…into MY car?”

    Me: “Yes, I can do that for you.”

    Customer: “You want a lift in my car!”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I can take your groceries to your car for you and return the trolley.”

    Customer: “But I still have groceries in my trolley! You can’t take my trolley yet! I’m not done!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you want to do it yourself, that’s fine.”

    Customer: “Wait! I need help!”

    Me: “Alright, where did you park your car?”

    Customer: “Hold on! Why the h*** do you need to know where my car is?”

    Me: “So I can put your things in there.”

    Customer: “No, this doesn’t sound right. I’m onto you!”

    (The customer shuffles away with her trolley, periodically turning around to look at me suspiciously.)

    When One Door Closes, Another Door Shuts

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Top

    (I’m assisting a customer in the parking lot with her groceries. She presses the lock button on the driver’s side door and closes it.)

    Customer: “Oh no! I locked my keys in the ignition!”

    Me: “Well, your back door is still open.”

    Customer: “I know, I know, but my door is locked! D***!”

    Me: “But the back door is still open. You could pass through it to–”

    Customer: *slams the back door shut* “Fine, there! Now it’s closed! Can we get back to my problem now?”

    You’re Not On Candid Camera

    | United Kingdom |

    Me: “That will be 23.75.”

    Customer: “Hey, weren’t you that guy from Romeo and Juliet?”

    Me: “Yes, I was. Did you see the performance?”

    Customer: “I did, but why are you working here?”

    Me: “Oh, I do this to get some work while I’m not acting.”

    Customer: “Oh, no!”

    Me: “What’s wrong?”

    Customer: “This is one of those joke shows isn’t it? I’m on camera!”

    Me: *laughs* “No, it isn’t. Don’t worry, actors just need more than one source of income sometimes.”

    Customer: “Quick! Is a man gonna jump out of my food bag or something and scare me?”

    Me: “Um, no. Don’t worry, I’m just working here part time.”

    (She looks through her shopping bag.)

    Customer: *turns to the person behind her* “I’m famous! I knew I was on camera look!”

    (She pulls out a snow globe from her shopping bag.)

    Customer: “You were gonna get me with this, weren’t you? Trying to act like you could see the future! It’s okay, dear. You can stop being in character now. You can come out now, camera crew!”

    Me: *playing along* “Well you got us, ma’am. I have to say, nothing escapes you!”

    (I turn to a camera that isn’t there.)

    Me: “Follow us next week when we try to pull a gag on a petrol station customer! That’s a wrap. Thanks for playing, miss!”

    (The customer happily pays and leaves.)

    There’s No Time Like The Present

    | Raleigh, NC, USA |

    (I’m finishing a transaction for a supermarket customer; she’s just handed me her check but I notice an error.)

    Me: “Um, ma’am, if I could just have you fix this part right here–”

    Customer: “What’s wrong with it?”

    Me: “Well, this is 2009, ma’am.”

    Customer: “So what?”

    Me: “Well, you wrote the date as August 29, 3009, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re telling me! I didn’t do anything wrong!”

    Me: “No, of course you didn’t. It was an honest mistake. If you just cross out the ’3′ in ’3009′ and write a ’2′ over it, that’ll do just fine.”

    Customer: “You know, every time I come in here I do EVERYTHING right! Every time! You’re the new girl! You think it’s coincidence that I suddenly start getting the year wrong?! Every time!”

    Going Nuts For Nuts

    | County Limerick, Ireland |

    (A customer comes up to my counter; he seems to be on something because he’s grinding his jaw and his pupils are dilated.)

    Me: “Hi there, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “I need some f***ing nuts and bolts now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, this is the butcher’s counter. You’ll find some nuts and bolts in the hardware section.”

    Customer: “But I love nuts. Don’t you love nuts? They’re so shiny and they are just so useful!”

    (The customer keeps talking and talking, so I take it on myself to walk him to the hardware section to get his nuts and bolts.)

    Me: “Here you are sir, your nuts and bolts.”

    Customer: “Thanks, man!”

    (I watch as the customer gets dozens of nuts and bolts and heads to the front of the store. Without warning, he starts hurling them at the checkout girl. Another coworker and I wrestle him to the ground, but not before he crams some of them into his mouth begins to choke on them. Thankfully, we’re able to stop him. The ambulance and the police arrive shortly thereafter and take care of things from there. Craziest 10 minutes of my life.)

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