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    Cows Live Off The Fat Of The Land

    | Birmingham, England, UK | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Can you tell me which milk is full fat, please?”

    Me: “Of course. It’s this one with the blue lid.”

    Customer: “But that says 4%. I don’t want 4%. I want full fat.”

    Me: “The 4% means that 4% of the milk is fat, which is all of the fat milk has in it to begin with.”

    Customer: “But I want full fat milk, not 4%.”

    Me: “If it was 100%, then it would just be a bottle of fat, sir.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand all this new healthy stuff…”

    Hasn’t Quite Nailed The Reason For The Purchase

    | New Zealand | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hello.”

    Me: “Hello, is there anything you’re after?”

    Customer: “Yes, you know that stuff that’s a bit like nail polish, and you put it on your child’s nails to stop them biting them. Do you stock it?”

    Me: “Yes, actually we do. I brought some for my sister the other day. Her daughter bites her nails. Would you like me to show you where it’s located, or just give you directions?”

    Customer: “Show me.”

    (We walk to the aisle.)

    Me: “Here you go. We have two brands.”

    Customer: “Oh, I’ve tried both of those.”

    Me: “Did either of them work?”

    Customer: “No, my son didn’t like the taste of them.”

    £500 Non-Pays Of Summer

    | Brighton, England, UK | Uncategorized

    (A elderly customer buys an incredible amount of food, most of which is dried pasta and tinned fruit. The total comes to £500.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but your card has been declined due to insufficient funds.”

    Customer: “Why is that?”

    Me: “You don’t have enough money in your account.”

    Customer: “Yes, I do.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but it seems you don’t.”

    Customer: “No, I do. I let Prime Minister David Cameron borrow some. He’ll put it back in soon.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes. But you mustn’t tell anyone. I need this food now, so can you just put it through, please?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but without the money, I cannot complete your transaction.”

    Customer: “When I go into hibernation for the summer, I’ll need to have plenty of food in my house.”

    (I am shocked into silence.)

    Customer: “You’re beautiful. How about we hibernate together this summer, sweetie?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Here’s my address. Look me up as soon as July hits!”

    (She hands me a piece of paper and hurries out of the shop. I look at the piece of paper. It is actually just a drawing of the sun, with the words ‘TRUST NO ONE’ written below.)

    A Little Big Communication Problem

    | London, England, UK | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’d like some big little batteries, please.”

    (I gesture behind me.)

    Customer: “Big-little ones.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”

    Customer: “You know, you’ve got little-little ones, then little-big ones, then big-little ones, then big-big ones. You know?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you’re being very vague.”

    Customer: “I just want some rechargeable big-little batteries.”

    Me: “These are the only rechargeable batteries we do.”

    Customer: “Yes! Those! Big-little ones, see?”

    The Worst Job You Never Had

    | Australia | Top

    (I’m a customer at a supermarket, but I’m still wearing my work uniform since I’m buying things for my job. My clothing doesn’t look anything like the uniform that the supermarket employees wear. Another customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Love, can you show me where the ice is?”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am. I’m not sure where the ice is. It’s probably down at the freezer section.”

    Customer: “Can you take me down there?”

    Me: “Sorry, I have to buy this and get back to work. The freezer section is just over there. ”

    Customer: “Well, you’re not being very helpful. I’m going to tell your boss about this.”

    (She runs off to find a manager. It takes me awhile to realise that she thinks I work here.)

    Customer: “There she is! The rude one!”

    (The manager looks at me and immediately realizes what has happened.)

    Customer: “You should fire her for being so rude to me!”

    (The manager shakes his head and beckons me over.)

    Manager, to me: *whispers* “Just go with it.”

    (I nod and he begins to ‘fire’ me in front of the customer, who looks satisfied. Eventually, someone who does work there gets her her ice and she leaves.)

    Manager, to me: “Sorry about that. She does this every time she comes in.”

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