(I am guy in my late teens, bagging groceries for a male cashier when a woman in her mid to late thirties arrives at the till.)
Cashier: “Here you go, ma’am.”
Customer: “‘Ma’am?!’ Do I look old enough to be a ‘ma’am?!'”
Cashier: “Uh, sorry miss.”
Customer: “‘Miss!’ That’s even worse! You make me feel like an old maid! I’m still young and beautiful! And you, bag boy! Make sure the eggs are on top, okay?”
Me: *miming shooting a gun and winking* “You got it, babe.”
Customer: *blushing* “I…uh…okay.”
Customer: “Excuse me, where is the tea?”
Me: “Right this way.”
Customer: “Do you have any tea that isn’t fair trade?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “Do you have any tea that isn’t fair trade? It’s more expensive!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but I think you are missing the point.”
Customer: “It’s more expensive! That isn’t very fair to me!”
(I am scanning a customer’s order when I notice she is buying a $30 lip-gloss that is also being given away with a magazine).
Me: "Miss, if you’d like to buy [magazine] for $7.20, you get this exact lip-gloss free inside."
Customer: "But I don’t want the magazine. I just want the lip-gloss."
Me: "I understand, but even if you give the magazine away, you still get the lip-gloss for $7.20 and save $22.80."
Customer: "Do I look like a charity? I’m not going to give away a $7 magazine. Haven’t you heard of saving money?"
Me: "Well yes, what I’m saying is you can save money by buying the magazine–"
Customer: "Stop trying to rip me off and scan my lip-gloss!"
(I ring up her lip-gloss for $30 and she storms off. The next customer puts the same magazine on the counter.)
Next Customer: "I don’t want it either, but I have half a brain."
(I am ringing up a middle-aged man.)
Customer: “You go to school, son?”
Me: “Yes sir, I’m a college student.”
Customer: “Good good. Be sure to start paying into social security. I’m going to need it soon.”
(A customer is getting frustrated at the self-checkout.)
Customer: *shouting* “Miss! Miss!”
Me: *with another customer* “One minute, please, I’m helping this lady right now.”
Customer: *goes red in the face* “Miss!”
Me: “Give me a minute, please. I’ll come to you next.”
(The angry customer starts swearing and hitting the machine. The customer I am working with politely offers to wait while I go to the other customer. I apologize and go to the angry customer.)
Me: “Can I help you?”
Customer: “The stupid machine stopped working!”
Me: “An item you have scanned isn’t on the metal bagging pad. Mind if I take a look?”
(I find that all but three items of a 30+ item shop has not been scanned. I explain the situation.)
Customer: “Oh God, no! I can’t do all this again!”
Me: “No problem! I’ll just put it all through for you.”
Customer: “No! It won’t save me any money that way!”
Me: “You don’t save any money with self-scan checkouts. I mean, you still pay for it all.”
Customer: “This is stupid! I shouldn’t have to pay for it all if I’m doing your job for you!”