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    It Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

    | Sheffield, UK |

    (A customer enters the door in a huff, dragging along her young daughter. She then dumps a raw chicken (including guts and fats) into my hands. Our store’s policy is that if you get raw meat on yourself, to stop what you’re doing and wash your hands immediately.)

    Customer: “I went to cook it today for my family, and I found all the chicken’s organs and stuff still inside it!”

    Me: “We’re very sorry about that. Do you have a receipt? Could you just get that out ready for me while I dispose of this and wash my hands?”

    Customer: “You people are always making up excuses to do things half-heartedly!”

    Me: “I have to, I have raw chicken on my hands.”

    Customer: “Me too! I’m not slowing down my day!”

    Me: “Would you like a wet wipe? I wouldn’t want you or your daughter to get salmonella or something.”

    Customer: “What! You people have salmonella chickens? We’re gonna get bird flu!”

    (The customer rips the chicken open with her hands.)

    Customer: “Look, see! I told you!” *holds out the chicken’s entrails* “You just didn’t want me to prove it! Trying to scare me with bird flu!”

    (I ring up the refund.)

    Me: “Now, you really should wash your hands straight away. Salmonella-”

    Customer: “Don’t be stupid! There’s no bird flu in it or I’d have sneezed.”

    The Devil To Pay

    | Brookline, MA, USA |

    Me: “Your total is ***.”

    Customer: “Here is my coupon.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, this expired last week.”

    Customer: “What? What do you mean?”

    Me: “It expired last week.”

    Customer: “You witch devil! I can’t believe you changed the date!”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “You can magically alter dates, you devil!”

    Me: “I don’t think I have that sort of power.”

    (Upon hearing the commotion, my manager comes over.)

    Customer, to my manager: “You have a witch devil here! I’m going to have to bring the lord into this!”

    (The customer pulls out a bobble head Jesus and puts in on my counter.)

    Customer: “I will return when the date of this coupon is the correct date!”

    Driving Miss Ditzy

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. Would you like me to take your groceries to your car?”

    Customer: “…into MY car?”

    Me: “Yes, I can do that for you.”

    Customer: “You want a lift in my car!”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I can take your groceries to your car for you and return the trolley.”

    Customer: “But I still have groceries in my trolley! You can’t take my trolley yet! I’m not done!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you want to do it yourself, that’s fine.”

    Customer: “Wait! I need help!”

    Me: “Alright, where did you park your car?”

    Customer: “Hold on! Why the h*** do you need to know where my car is?”

    Me: “So I can put your things in there.”

    Customer: “No, this doesn’t sound right. I’m onto you!”

    (The customer shuffles away with her trolley, periodically turning around to look at me suspiciously.)

    When One Door Closes, Another Door Shuts

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Top

    (I’m assisting a customer in the parking lot with her groceries. She presses the lock button on the driver’s side door and closes it.)

    Customer: “Oh no! I locked my keys in the ignition!”

    Me: “Well, your back door is still open.”

    Customer: “I know, I know, but my door is locked! D***!”

    Me: “But the back door is still open. You could pass through it to–”

    Customer: *slams the back door shut* “Fine, there! Now it’s closed! Can we get back to my problem now?”

    You’re Not On Candid Camera

    | United Kingdom |

    Me: “That will be 23.75.”

    Customer: “Hey, weren’t you that guy from Romeo and Juliet?”

    Me: “Yes, I was. Did you see the performance?”

    Customer: “I did, but why are you working here?”

    Me: “Oh, I do this to get some work while I’m not acting.”

    Customer: “Oh, no!”

    Me: “What’s wrong?”

    Customer: “This is one of those joke shows isn’t it? I’m on camera!”

    Me: *laughs* “No, it isn’t. Don’t worry, actors just need more than one source of income sometimes.”

    Customer: “Quick! Is a man gonna jump out of my food bag or something and scare me?”

    Me: “Um, no. Don’t worry, I’m just working here part time.”

    (She looks through her shopping bag.)

    Customer: *turns to the person behind her* “I’m famous! I knew I was on camera look!”

    (She pulls out a snow globe from her shopping bag.)

    Customer: “You were gonna get me with this, weren’t you? Trying to act like you could see the future! It’s okay, dear. You can stop being in character now. You can come out now, camera crew!”

    Me: *playing along* “Well you got us, ma’am. I have to say, nothing escapes you!”

    (I turn to a camera that isn’t there.)

    Me: “Follow us next week when we try to pull a gag on a petrol station customer! That’s a wrap. Thanks for playing, miss!”

    (The customer happily pays and leaves.)

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