There Is No Expiration On Your Stupidity

| Midlands, UK | At The Checkout

(A customer comes to the till with a large bottle of milk.)

Customer: “Hello, I’d like to return this. It’s expired.”

Me: “It says on the receipt that you bought it last week.”

Customer: “Yes, but I haven’t used it. It’s expired.”

Me: “The expiration date is yesterday. It was well in date when you bought it.”

Customer: “Yes, but I didn’t use it, so you have to give me a refund.”

Me: “I’m afraid we can’t give a refund for that. It was within date when you bought it.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you change it, at least?”

Me: “You want to swap some expired milk for fresh milk?”

Customer: “No, just change the label so it’s in date again.”

The Avocado Monologues

| Sydney, Australia | At The Checkout, Bizarre

(I am stacking the oranges, which is next to the shelf of avocados. A very well-dressed woman in her 40s comes over and starts feeling the avocados while talking to herself loudly.)

Customer: “Wouldn’t you just hate to be an avocado?”

(The woman continues feeling up the avocados.)

Customer: “Hmm. You know what? That’s actually my biggest fear. Becoming an avocado.”

All Fingers And Thumbs (Well, Mostly Thumbs)

| Edinburgh, UK | Uncategorized

(While working at a large chain supermarket, a regular named Joe comes in acting strangely.)

Me: “Hey Joe, you’re not looking well, mate. Something up?”

Joe: “Yeah, I’m not too good. I had an accident at home and I need to go to the hospital. Just got the wife to stop here first for a few things.

Me: “Oh, sorry, man. Hope everything’s okay.”

Joe: “Im sure I’ll be fine. Can I have a bottle of [vodka], please?”

Me: “Sure thing. £7.99, please.”

(Joe then reaches for his wallet. Upon pulling it out, he also drops a freshly severed thumb onto my till, covering everything in blood. I then notice his hand is taped inside a sandwich bag, which, by now, is full of blood.)

Me: “Holy s***!

Joe: “Yeah, that’ll teach the b**** for making me cook dinner!”

Over The Hill And Picking Up Speed

| Florida, USA | Uncategorized

(An elderly man walks up to my register with his button down shirt unbuttoned nearly all the way and doesn’t seem to care he’s almost not wearing a shirt. After scanning his groceries, he goes to swipe his card on our new machine.)

Customer: “Well, what the Jim Bean is this?”

Me: “Oh, thats our new card machine. You just need to swipe, then sign for it with the pen there.”

Customer: “What will they try to do next? D*** Chinese wantin’ to take over this country. Them and their Mickey Mouse!”

Life Sucks When You’re Not American

| Cornwall, UK | Uncategorized

Me: “Thanks, and have a nice day!”

Customer: “Don’t tell me to have a nice day! We’re not in America!”

Me: “Sorry…don’t have a nice day?”

Customer: “I won’t, because I’m British!”

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