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    Blind To Reason

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Top

    (A customer walks in with a small dog in her purse.)

    Me: “Excuse me, miss, but you can’t have your dog in here. You’ll need to leave it in your car.”

    Customer: “Why? Chanel is my baby! There is no way I could leave her in my car!”

    Me: “Miss, having your dog in here is unsanitary. She has to go back into your car before you can shop.”

    Customer: “That is so dumb! Let me speak to your manager!”

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem, miss?”

    Customer: “This girl says I can’t have my dog in here! But I totally should be allowed to. Babies are allowed in, and Chanel is my baby!”

    Manager: “Babies are a different story, miss.”

    Customer: “My dog could die if I leave her in the car!”

    (A clearly blind man now comes in with his seeing eye dog.)

    Customer: “You let that guy with his dog in! This is sexual discrimination!”

    Manager: “Miss, that man is blind. We can’t tell him to leave his dog outside.”

    Customer: “So, only blind people can have their dogs in the store?”

    Manager: “That’s right.”

    (The customer leaves, and my manager disappears. 10 minutes later, the customer returns. She is wearing sunglasses and has her dog on a leash.)

    Me: “Miss, I’ve already told you this. You need to leave your dog in your car.”

    Customer: “But I’m blind and this is my seeing dog!”

    Me: “You weren’t blind 10 minutes ago, and you aren’t blind now. Please leave, or I will have you escorted out.”

    Customer: “Fine, I’ll shop somewhere else! God, you people are so dumb!”

    Short Changed In The Intelligence Department

    | Netherlands |

    Me: “That’ll be 21 euros, please.”

    (The customer hands me a 50 euro bill.)

    Me: “Would you have a 1 euro coin with that?”

    Customer: “No, only 2 euros.”

    Me: “Yes, please. That’ll be fine too.”

    (The customer hands me two one euro coins.)

    A Real Oxymoron

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (I’m putting a sale sign above a cooler containing shrimp when a customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Jumbo shrimp? That’s funny.”

    Me: “Yeah it’s kind of an oxymoron, huh?”

    Customer: “What the h*** did you just call me?”

    Me: “An oxymoron is an English term, sir.”

    Customer: “I don’t care if it’s a French term! Nobody insults me and gets away with it!”

    (The customer suddenly grabs me and puts me into a tackle. He held me in it for a good 30 seconds before coworkers arrived to help!)

    A Burning Question

    | Sheffield, UKSheffield, UK |

    (The fire alarm has gone off. The fire department have arrived and the whole building is evacuated. A customer attempts to enter.)

    Me: “Excuse me, the store is closed due to a fire.”

    Customer: “I only want a couple of things.”

    Me: “There is a fire. We have evacuated the building.” *points to scared looking customers and employees*

    Customer: “I only want bread an milk.”

    Me: “The building is on fire! I’m sorry, sir, but we will be unlikely to serve anyone until tomorrow!”

    Customer: “Oh! Does that mean the fresh vegetables are on offer?” *tries to push past me*

    Me: “No. Nothing is on offer at all because the store is closed.”

    (At this point more customers are arriving.)

    Customer #2: “So we can’t even pay? Those people got sent home with their stuff for free!” *points to customers loading their cars with stolen goods*

    Me: “No, they have stolen those things. They have been caught on camera, and they will be prosecuted when the emergency is over.”

    Customer #2: “Oh, so I can get my stuff for free?”

    Original customer: “Does that mean it’s free if we eat it all tonight?”

    Me: “No. Wait…what?”

    Because They’re All Like Julie Andrews

    | Sheffield, UK |

    (I have a more pronounced British accent due to my upbringing.)

    Me: “Good afternoon. How may I help you?”

    American customer: *gasps* “Omigod! You’re British! You’re all ‘British-y’! Like on TV! Oh my God! Will you talk to my wife? She would love your voice!”

    Me: “Uh…thank you. Sure. Where is she?”

    (He takes out a phone, dialing.)

    American customer: “Honey, I found an English girl! She sounds really British and everything!” *hands me the phone*

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m really confused and I have no idea what to say. Do you have a customer service related query?”

    Wife on phone: *gasps* “Oh wow! Honey, your voice is beautiful!”

    Me: “Thank you?”

    American customer: “Do you sing too?”

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