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    Because They’re All Like Julie Andrews

    | Sheffield, UK |

    (I have a more pronounced British accent due to my upbringing.)

    Me: “Good afternoon. How may I help you?”

    American customer: *gasps* “Omigod! You’re British! You’re all ‘British-y’! Like on TV! Oh my God! Will you talk to my wife? She would love your voice!”

    Me: “Uh…thank you. Sure. Where is she?”

    (He takes out a phone, dialing.)

    American customer: “Honey, I found an English girl! She sounds really British and everything!” *hands me the phone*

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m really confused and I have no idea what to say. Do you have a customer service related query?”

    Wife on phone: *gasps* “Oh wow! Honey, your voice is beautiful!”

    Me: “Thank you?”

    American customer: “Do you sing too?”

    Those Must Be The Mighty Ducks

    | Wellington, New Zealand |

    (Two customers are unloading $250 of cat food and bread onto my checkout.)

    Me: “Hey, you having a good day?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “So, you got a lot of cats?”

    Customer: “No. We just leave it outside overnight.”

    Me: “Oh, right. What’s with the bread, you having some sort of party or something?”

    (Keep in mind this is a good 50 loaves of bread.)

    Customer: *vaguely* “Oh no, we’re going to the duck pond later today.”

    Rapscallion Fun

    | Kent, UK |

    Me: “Hello, can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “Yes, do you have any scallions?”

    Me: “Oh yes, we do. They’re right here.”

    Customer: “No, not spring onions, scallions!”

    Me: “The two are the same thing. They just have different names.”

    Customer: “But do you have any scallions?”

    Me: “They’re right here!”

    Customer: “Those aren’t scallions, those are spring onions!”

    Me: “Give me a moment, let me check outside for you.”

    (I go out to the prep room, pick up a crate of spring onions, turn over the ticket and write ‘SCALLIONS’ on the front.)

    Me: “Here we are, the last box.”

    Customer: “Fantastic! Thank you so much!”

    (The customer filed a positive comment about me, and I got a pay rise!)

    All Signs Point To Other Signs

    | Hamilton, New Zealand |

    Customer: “Hey! Where are your biscuits on special?”

    Me: “On the display right next to you. You’re standing right next to it.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, you should have a sign there to point them out!”

    (I point to the large sign above the biscuits. It’s black and red and quite large.)

    Customer: “Well, you should have a sign that points to the sign!”

    Related:
    All Signs Point To No
    All Signs Point To Duh
    All Signs Point To Yes

    A Minor Truth

    | Australia |

    (We have some yogurt and tomato paste which come in two packs. A customer will often come up with one tub, the one which will have no barcode on it, and we have to go find the other one in the pair.)

    Me: “Oh, this is just a single. Do you have the other half?”

    Customer: “No, it was just like this on the shelf.”

    Me: “Ok, well these come in two packs. Did you see the other one of the shelf?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I did, I’ll just go get it.”

    (The customer goes and gets the other half.)

    Customer’s Child: “Mummy, where did you go?”

    Customer: “I had to go get the other half of this.”

    Customer’s Child: “But didn’t you just break that in half?”

    Customer: “No I didn’t.”

    Customer’s Child: “Yes you did.”

    Customer: “No, it was just like this.”

    Customer’s Child: “Yes you did! I remember you saying you only need one, why should you pay for two? And then you broke it off.”

    Customer: “Alright, alright, here’s some money. Why don’t you go and get a toy out of the vending machine?”


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