The Avocado Monologues

| Sydney, Australia | At The Checkout, Bizarre

(I am stacking the oranges, which is next to the shelf of avocados. A very well-dressed woman in her 40s comes over and starts feeling the avocados while talking to herself loudly.)

Customer: “Wouldn’t you just hate to be an avocado?”

(The woman continues feeling up the avocados.)

Customer: “Hmm. You know what? That’s actually my biggest fear. Becoming an avocado.”

All Fingers And Thumbs (Well, Mostly Thumbs)

| Edinburgh, UK | Uncategorized

(While working at a large chain supermarket, a regular named Joe comes in acting strangely.)

Me: “Hey Joe, you’re not looking well, mate. Something up?”

Joe: “Yeah, I’m not too good. I had an accident at home and I need to go to the hospital. Just got the wife to stop here first for a few things.

Me: “Oh, sorry, man. Hope everything’s okay.”

Joe: “Im sure I’ll be fine. Can I have a bottle of [vodka], please?”

Me: “Sure thing. £7.99, please.”

(Joe then reaches for his wallet. Upon pulling it out, he also drops a freshly severed thumb onto my till, covering everything in blood. I then notice his hand is taped inside a sandwich bag, which, by now, is full of blood.)

Me: “Holy s***!

Joe: “Yeah, that’ll teach the b**** for making me cook dinner!”

Over The Hill And Picking Up Speed

| Florida, USA | Uncategorized

(An elderly man walks up to my register with his button down shirt unbuttoned nearly all the way and doesn’t seem to care he’s almost not wearing a shirt. After scanning his groceries, he goes to swipe his card on our new machine.)

Customer: “Well, what the Jim Bean is this?”

Me: “Oh, thats our new card machine. You just need to swipe, then sign for it with the pen there.”

Customer: “What will they try to do next? D*** Chinese wantin’ to take over this country. Them and their Mickey Mouse!”

Life Sucks When You’re Not American

| Cornwall, UK | Uncategorized

Me: “Thanks, and have a nice day!”

Customer: “Don’t tell me to have a nice day! We’re not in America!”

Me: “Sorry…don’t have a nice day?”

Customer: “I won’t, because I’m British!”

Now Selling The War On Germs, Aisle 5

| Newton, MA, USA | At The Checkout

(I am working at a register. I use my t-shirt sleeve to clear my eyes. As I am doing this, a customer walks up with her groceries. She whips out a bottle of sanitizer and grabs my hand and sprays a lot of sanitizer on it.)

Customer: “Rub it in! What you just did is dangerous to me and everyone else around!”

(I rub it in because I didn’t want to argue. As I’m doing this, another cashier comes over to help me. She is Filipino. After a couple seconds, the customer looks over at her.)

Customer: “Is it okay in your country to pick your nose and wipe it all over someone else? Because it isn’t okay in mine!”

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