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    Early Bird-Brained

    | New Zealand | Top

    (I am at work doing a before-opening clean of the trolley handles and checkout counters.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, I’d like to buy these now please.”

    Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m not a checkout operator.”

    Customer: “Yes, but I’m here now and I’m running late, so can you just run these through the scanner for me?”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s five thirty. There are no checkout operators as we don’t open for another hour and a half.”

    Customer: “Oh, I was wondering why there wasn’t anyone in the Deli, but that’s okay because I went back behind the counter and got the ham out the freezer.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you’re not allowed to do that. How did you get in? The doors are locked until the security guard gets here.”

    Customer: “Oh, I broke the window because I thought your door wasn’t working. Can you run these through for me now?”

    Related:
    Bird Brained
    Bird Brained, Part 2
    Bird Brained, Part 3
    Bird Brained, Part 4
    Bird Brained, Part 5

    I Don’t Work Here Does Not Work Here

    | Texas, USA | Top

    (I work in a library, but I had forgotten to take my name tag off after work when I went shopping.)

    Customer: “What aisle is baking powder?”

    Me: “Huh? Oh, I think it’s that way somewhere. I’m not really sure.”

    Customer: “Well you’d better find out for me. Isn’t that your job?”

    Me: “Oh, no, I’m sorry. I don’t work here.”

    Customer: “Yes you do! You have a name tag on!”

    Me: “Oh! No, I’m sorry, I work at the library, I just forgot to take this off.”

    Customer: *very angry* “I don’t want excuses! Just tell me where the d*** baking powder is!”

    Me: “I don’t know where it is. Go ask someone who works here.”

    Customer: “You’re going to tell me or else!”

    Store Manager: “Can I help you folks?”

    Customer: “Yes! Your employee here is being very rude!”

    Store Manager: “Sir, he doesn’t work here. Is there something I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Oh!” *turning to me* “Well why didn’t you say so?”

    Me: “I did. You were being a moron!”

    Customer: *turning back to manager* “You let your employees curse at customers like that! I want him fired right now!”

    Talking Turkey

    | United Kingdom |

    (A customer rings the store on Christmas eve to speak to the meat manager.)

    Caller: “I’ve bought this turkey from you and there’s no meat on the breast. How am I supposed to feed everyone tomorrow?”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, can I just ask you to check you haven’t put
    the bird in the oven upside down?”

    Caller: “I know how to roast a bloody turkey!”

    *sound of footsteps*

    *sound of oven door opening*

    *sound of oven door closing*

    *sound of footsteps*

    *sound of phone hanging up*

    Contractions Speak Louder Than Words

    | Manchester, UK | Top

    Me: “Hello sir, how can I help?”

    Customer: “I want to make a complaint about the lady who just served my wife. She is 8 months pregnant. When she came to pay, the checkout girl didn’t offer to help with the packing. She let my wife struggle!”

    Me: “I’m really sorry. It’s store policy to ask if the customer needs help with the packing. Do you have the receipt so I can see who served her?”

    (I walk over to the till and show the checkout girl the receipt. She explains what happened. I return to the customer.)

    Me: “Hi sir, the checkout girl explained that your wife was on her phone at the till. She asked a few times if she needed help packing but she didn’t answer. I’m confident we did all we could to help.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s not good enough. I want some money back on the shopping for the poor service. My wife is pregnant and in a lot of pain and had to struggle on her own. No one helped her.”

    Me: “This receipt is from a few minutes ago. Can I ask where you were?”

    Customer: “I sat in the car waiting for her to come back. What’s that got to do with anything?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Blind To Reason

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Top

    (A customer walks in with a small dog in her purse.)

    Me: “Excuse me, miss, but you can’t have your dog in here. You’ll need to leave it in your car.”

    Customer: “Why? Chanel is my baby! There is no way I could leave her in my car!”

    Me: “Miss, having your dog in here is unsanitary. She has to go back into your car before you can shop.”

    Customer: “That is so dumb! Let me speak to your manager!”

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem, miss?”

    Customer: “This girl says I can’t have my dog in here! But I totally should be allowed to. Babies are allowed in, and Chanel is my baby!”

    Manager: “Babies are a different story, miss.”

    Customer: “My dog could die if I leave her in the car!”

    (A clearly blind man now comes in with his seeing eye dog.)

    Customer: “You let that guy with his dog in! This is sexual discrimination!”

    Manager: “Miss, that man is blind. We can’t tell him to leave his dog outside.”

    Customer: “So, only blind people can have their dogs in the store?”

    Manager: “That’s right.”

    (The customer leaves, and my manager disappears. 10 minutes later, the customer returns. She is wearing sunglasses and has her dog on a leash.)

    Me: “Miss, I’ve already told you this. You need to leave your dog in your car.”

    Customer: “But I’m blind and this is my seeing dog!”

    Me: “You weren’t blind 10 minutes ago, and you aren’t blind now. Please leave, or I will have you escorted out.”

    Customer: “Fine, I’ll shop somewhere else! God, you people are so dumb!”


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