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    I Put A Cell On You

    | Auckland, New Zealand | At The Checkout

    (I have just finished helping out this really nice, elderly lady.)

    Customer: “Oh, and do you happen to know the date?”

    Me: “I will just look–”

    (I start to pull out my mobile phone.)

    Customer: *excitedly* “Ooh! You’re pulling out your little magic box!”

    Some Recipes Contain No Margarine For Error

    | Melbourne, Australia | Extra Stupid

    Customer: “Hi, could you point me in the direction of the butter?”

    Me: “Of course, its just over here.”

    Customer: “Do you have these in liquid form? Like watery?”

    Me: “I’m not sure what you mean, did you want cream?”

    Customer: “No, no, like liquid butter?”

    (At this point I look at the customers shopping list, its a recipe list for pancakes and it clearly says ‘melted butter’.)

    Me: “You want to buy melted butter? You know you can just make that right?”

    Customer: “Oh really? You actually make it yourself? How do you do that?”

    Me: “You just put regular butter in a hot pan and it melts.”

    Customer: “Wow! That’s fantastic! Thank you so much!”

    So Pho, So Crazy

    | London, UK | At The Checkout, Bigotry, History, Language & Words, Top

    (I am working the tills at a supermarket. I am of Vietnamese descent but was born in London. An older gentleman comes through my till.)

    Customer: *practically shouting* “Ni-Hao!”

    Me: “Hello to you to sir, but that’s Chinese. I am actually Vietnamese.”

    (I point to my name tag which in our shop goes by family name instead of first name. Mine is the very common ‘Nguyen’.)

    Customer: “Don’t lie!”

    Me: “I assure you sure I am Vietnamese.”

    Customer: “There aren’t any Vietnamese people left!”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “Yeah, the Americans killed them all back in the seventies or something.”

    Me: “I think you may have your history confused. I assure you there is still a Vietnam and it is full of Vietnamese people.”

    Customer: “Well I don’t know how you managed to escape but I wouldn’t say it so loudly. There might be Americans around looking for survivors.”

    Me: *as I ring up his last item* “Probably a good idea. That will be £10.34 please.”

    Customer: *as he pays* “Wouldn’t want a young lad like you getting caught!”

    (The customer heads towards the exit, but unfortunately notices the security guard who also happens to be my brother. He is 6ft tall and a body-builder and I dread what might happen.)

    Customer: “Ni-Hao!”

    Brother: “Actually I’m Vietnamese.”

    Customer: “Another one?! But the Americans wiped you all out!”

    Brother: *standing to full height* “I think you might want to just keep on walking.”

    Customer: “How dare you talk to me like that?! I’m going to call the Americans, and then they’ll come down here and shoot you!”

    Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Bag Holder

    | Sherwood Park, AB, Canada | At The Checkout

    (I am guy in my late teens, bagging groceries for a male cashier when a woman in her mid to late thirties arrives at the till.)

    Cashier: “Here you go, ma’am.”

    Customer: “‘Ma’am?!’ Do I look old enough to be a ‘ma’am?!’”

    Cashier: “Uh, sorry miss.”

    Customer: “‘Miss!’ That’s even worse! You make me feel like an old maid! I’m still young and beautiful! And you, bag boy! Make sure the eggs are on top, okay?”

    Me: *miming shooting a gun and winking* “You got it, babe.”

    Customer: *blushing* “I…uh…okay.”

    Cashier: “Dude.”

    Fair Trade Waylaid

    | United Kingdom | Food & Drink

    Customer: “Excuse me, where is the tea?”

    Me: “Right this way.”

    Customer: “Do you have any tea that isn’t fair trade?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Do you have any tea that isn’t fair trade? It’s more expensive!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I think you are missing the point.”

    Customer: “It’s more expensive! That isn’t very fair to me!”

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