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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • £500 Non-Pays Of Summer

    | Brighton, England, UK |

    (A elderly customer buys an incredible amount of food, most of which is dried pasta and tinned fruit. The total comes to £500.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but your card has been declined due to insufficient funds.”

    Customer: “Why is that?”

    Me: “You don’t have enough money in your account.”

    Customer: “Yes, I do.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but it seems you don’t.”

    Customer: “No, I do. I let Prime Minister David Cameron borrow some. He’ll put it back in soon.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes. But you mustn’t tell anyone. I need this food now, so can you just put it through, please?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but without the money, I cannot complete your transaction.”

    Customer: “When I go into hibernation for the summer, I’ll need to have plenty of food in my house.”

    (I am shocked into silence.)

    Customer: “You’re beautiful. How about we hibernate together this summer, sweetie?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Here’s my address. Look me up as soon as July hits!”

    (She hands me a piece of paper and hurries out of the shop. I look at the piece of paper. It is actually just a drawing of the sun, with the words ‘TRUST NO ONE’ written below.)

    A Little Big Communication Problem

    | London, England, UK |

    Customer: “I’d like some big little batteries, please.”

    (I gesture behind me.)

    Customer: “Big-little ones.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”

    Customer: “You know, you’ve got little-little ones, then little-big ones, then big-little ones, then big-big ones. You know?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you’re being very vague.”

    Customer: “I just want some rechargeable big-little batteries.”

    Me: “These are the only rechargeable batteries we do.”

    Customer: “Yes! Those! Big-little ones, see?”

    The Worst Job You Never Had

    | Australia | Top

    (I’m a customer at a supermarket, but I’m still wearing my work uniform since I’m buying things for my job. My clothing doesn’t look anything like the uniform that the supermarket employees wear. Another customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Love, can you show me where the ice is?”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am. I’m not sure where the ice is. It’s probably down at the freezer section.”

    Customer: “Can you take me down there?”

    Me: “Sorry, I have to buy this and get back to work. The freezer section is just over there. ”

    Customer: “Well, you’re not being very helpful. I’m going to tell your boss about this.”

    (She runs off to find a manager. It takes me awhile to realise that she thinks I work here.)

    Customer: “There she is! The rude one!”

    (The manager looks at me and immediately realizes what has happened.)

    Customer: “You should fire her for being so rude to me!”

    (The manager shakes his head and beckons me over.)

    Manager, to me: *whispers* “Just go with it.”

    (I nod and he begins to ‘fire’ me in front of the customer, who looks satisfied. Eventually, someone who does work there gets her her ice and she leaves.)

    Manager, to me: “Sorry about that. She does this every time she comes in.”

    You Twin Some, You Lose Some

    | UK |

    (A customer comes to a sample stand.)

    Me: “Would you like to try some noodles?”

    Customer: “Sure. Wow, this is so tasty.”

    (A very similar looking customer comes in 15 minutes later. He is in a different shirt and pants.)

    Customer: “Oh, good. There’s still some noodles left. Can I try some too?”

    Me: “Didn’t you just try it? It’s one per customer.”

    Customer: “That was my twin brother. We live right across the street and he told me about the noodles.”

    Me: “Wow, so both you and your brother have a bandage on that hand?”

    Customer: “Uh…” *walks away*

    Leave Your Baggage At The Checkout

    | Perth, Australia | Top

    (I am checking out a customer.)

    Customer #1: “No, no, no! I want the fruit in a separate bag.”

    Me: “No problem. I was just going to do that anyway.”

    Customer #1: “No, I want them separate. They’ll get squashed.”

    Me: “So, separate from each other?”

    Customer #1: “Yes, of course! Or they’ll get bruised.”

    (By this point, the customer has been rude enough. I put each piece of fruit in its own individual bag while he pays. When he has rushed off, both I and the next customer notice he has left three of the four bags of fruit behind.)

    Me: “Sorry, just be a second.”

    (I run to a coworker not on register.)

    Me, to coworker: “The previous customer left these behind. He’s wearing a red cap and a black t-shirt, heading out the exit by the bank.”

    Coworker: “On it!” *dashes off*

    Customer #2: “After all that fuss, and he forgot about it!”

    Me: “The sad thing is, I’d put money on it somehow being my fault.”

    Customer #2: “No, surely not?! It was sitting on the bench, plain as day.”

    Me: “You’d be surprised, really. Most people are rational, but in this job you really do get to see all types. Some people just can’t take responsibility for their own actions, and we’re easy targets for blame.”

    Customer #2: “That’s sad, but you’ve got me as a witness!” *smiles*

    (The first customer storms back to my register.)

    Customer #1: “You stole my shopping! Where is it? You kept it to make me look like a fool!”

    Me: “It’s okay. It’s right here.”

    (I hand over the bags, smiling.)

    Customer #1: “Where were they? You hid them behind the register?”

    Customer #2: “No, they were right there on the bench with the rest of your shopping.”

    Customer #1: “Oh. I thought you’d forgotten to pick them up from back there.”

    Customer #2: “They sent someone after you, too.”

    Me: “It’s fine. It looks like you were in a rush. Have a good day!”

    (The first customer scurries off grumbling and clutching his bags.)

    Customer #2: “I thought you were just kidding! I had no idea people could be so stupid! And so very rude to you for his own mistake! I’d never blame any of you for something like that.”

    Me: “I know. That’s what makes you one of the good ones!”

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