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    Rapscallion Fun

    | Kent, UK |

    Me: “Hello, can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “Yes, do you have any scallions?”

    Me: “Oh yes, we do. They’re right here.”

    Customer: “No, not spring onions, scallions!”

    Me: “The two are the same thing. They just have different names.”

    Customer: “But do you have any scallions?”

    Me: “They’re right here!”

    Customer: “Those aren’t scallions, those are spring onions!”

    Me: “Give me a moment, let me check outside for you.”

    (I go out to the prep room, pick up a crate of spring onions, turn over the ticket and write ‘SCALLIONS’ on the front.)

    Me: “Here we are, the last box.”

    Customer: “Fantastic! Thank you so much!”

    (The customer filed a positive comment about me, and I got a pay rise!)

    All Signs Point To Other Signs

    | Hamilton, New Zealand |

    Customer: “Hey! Where are your biscuits on special?”

    Me: “On the display right next to you. You’re standing right next to it.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, you should have a sign there to point them out!”

    (I point to the large sign above the biscuits. It’s black and red and quite large.)

    Customer: “Well, you should have a sign that points to the sign!”

    Related:
    All Signs Point To No
    All Signs Point To Duh
    All Signs Point To Yes

    A Minor Truth

    | Australia |

    (We have some yogurt and tomato paste which come in two packs. A customer will often come up with one tub, the one which will have no barcode on it, and we have to go find the other one in the pair.)

    Me: “Oh, this is just a single. Do you have the other half?”

    Customer: “No, it was just like this on the shelf.”

    Me: “Ok, well these come in two packs. Did you see the other one of the shelf?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I did, I’ll just go get it.”

    (The customer goes and gets the other half.)

    Customer’s Child: “Mummy, where did you go?”

    Customer: “I had to go get the other half of this.”

    Customer’s Child: “But didn’t you just break that in half?”

    Customer: “No I didn’t.”

    Customer’s Child: “Yes you did.”

    Customer: “No, it was just like this.”

    Customer’s Child: “Yes you did! I remember you saying you only need one, why should you pay for two? And then you broke it off.”

    Customer: “Alright, alright, here’s some money. Why don’t you go and get a toy out of the vending machine?”

    Trouble Brewing

    | Arkansas, USA |

    (A customer puts beer on the table to buy.)

    Me: “Can I see your ID please, sir?”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t have it.”

    Me: “Sorry, I can’t sell this to you. You have to have a valid ID.”

    Customer: “Can’t you tell I’m 21?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, but policy requires me to ID you if you look under 40.”

    Customer: “Well, I have this…will it work? You guys have taken it before when I bought beer.”

    (Customer hands me a pink government paper with his name and information on it.)

    Me: “What is this?”

    Customer: “My DUI report.”

    It Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

    | Sheffield, UK |

    (A customer enters the door in a huff, dragging along her young daughter. She then dumps a raw chicken (including guts and fats) into my hands. Our store’s policy is that if you get raw meat on yourself, to stop what you’re doing and wash your hands immediately.)

    Customer: “I went to cook it today for my family, and I found all the chicken’s organs and stuff still inside it!”

    Me: “We’re very sorry about that. Do you have a receipt? Could you just get that out ready for me while I dispose of this and wash my hands?”

    Customer: “You people are always making up excuses to do things half-heartedly!”

    Me: “I have to, I have raw chicken on my hands.”

    Customer: “Me too! I’m not slowing down my day!”

    Me: “Would you like a wet wipe? I wouldn’t want you or your daughter to get salmonella or something.”

    Customer: “What! You people have salmonella chickens? We’re gonna get bird flu!”

    (The customer rips the chicken open with her hands.)

    Customer: “Look, see! I told you!” *holds out the chicken’s entrails* “You just didn’t want me to prove it! Trying to scare me with bird flu!”

    (I ring up the refund.)

    Me: “Now, you really should wash your hands straight away. Salmonella-”

    Customer: “Don’t be stupid! There’s no bird flu in it or I’d have sneezed.”


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