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    A Pregnant Pause For Thought

    | Norwich, UK |

    Customer: “Where are the pregnancy test kits?”

    Me: “Over there, by the condoms.”

    Customer: “If I knew where the condoms were, I wouldn’t need the pregnancy test!”

    Related:
    A Not So Pregnant Pause For Thought

    Cash Back, Government Style, Part 2

    | Southampton, UK |

    (We have a pay-point for customers who pay for their gas and electricity on a pay-as-you-go plan.)

    Me: “Hi there, how can I help?”

    (The customer pushes £20 note and a gas card into my hand.)

    Customer: “I want £10 back.”

    Me: “So you want £10 on the gas with £10 change?”

    Customer: “No, I want £20 on the gas and £10 cash-back. You know, cash-back? Like from the till?

    Me: “I’m afraid we only offer cash-back when you’re paying with a debit card.”

    Customer: “I don’t have a debit card, can’t you do it anyway?”

    Me: “No, cash-back is money taken from your debit account. Like it’s from an ATM.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand.”

    Me: “Well, you’re asking for £10 cash-back without paying for it from an account. You’re basically asking for me to give you free money.”

    Customer: “Isn’t that how it works?”

    Related:
    Cash Back, Government Style

    I Put A Cell On You

    | Auckland, New Zealand | At The Checkout

    (I have just finished helping out this really nice, elderly lady.)

    Customer: “Oh, and do you happen to know the date?”

    Me: “I will just look–”

    (I start to pull out my mobile phone.)

    Customer: *excitedly* “Ooh! You’re pulling out your little magic box!”

    Some Recipes Contain No Margarine For Error

    | Melbourne, Australia | Extra Stupid

    Customer: “Hi, could you point me in the direction of the butter?”

    Me: “Of course, its just over here.”

    Customer: “Do you have these in liquid form? Like watery?”

    Me: “I’m not sure what you mean, did you want cream?”

    Customer: “No, no, like liquid butter?”

    (At this point I look at the customers shopping list, its a recipe list for pancakes and it clearly says ‘melted butter’.)

    Me: “You want to buy melted butter? You know you can just make that right?”

    Customer: “Oh really? You actually make it yourself? How do you do that?”

    Me: “You just put regular butter in a hot pan and it melts.”

    Customer: “Wow! That’s fantastic! Thank you so much!”

    So Pho, So Crazy

    | London, UK | At The Checkout, Bigotry, History, Language & Words, Top

    (I am working the tills at a supermarket. I am of Vietnamese descent but was born in London. An older gentleman comes through my till.)

    Customer: *practically shouting* “Ni-Hao!”

    Me: “Hello to you to sir, but that’s Chinese. I am actually Vietnamese.”

    (I point to my name tag which in our shop goes by family name instead of first name. Mine is the very common ‘Nguyen’.)

    Customer: “Don’t lie!”

    Me: “I assure you sure I am Vietnamese.”

    Customer: “There aren’t any Vietnamese people left!”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “Yeah, the Americans killed them all back in the seventies or something.”

    Me: “I think you may have your history confused. I assure you there is still a Vietnam and it is full of Vietnamese people.”

    Customer: “Well I don’t know how you managed to escape but I wouldn’t say it so loudly. There might be Americans around looking for survivors.”

    Me: *as I ring up his last item* “Probably a good idea. That will be £10.34 please.”

    Customer: *as he pays* “Wouldn’t want a young lad like you getting caught!”

    (The customer heads towards the exit, but unfortunately notices the security guard who also happens to be my brother. He is 6ft tall and a body-builder and I dread what might happen.)

    Customer: “Ni-Hao!”

    Brother: “Actually I’m Vietnamese.”

    Customer: “Another one?! But the Americans wiped you all out!”

    Brother: *standing to full height* “I think you might want to just keep on walking.”

    Customer: “How dare you talk to me like that?! I’m going to call the Americans, and then they’ll come down here and shoot you!”

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