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    Southern Discomfort

    | Washington DC, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (I am giving out samples of hot sauce with tuna salad. An old man with a long grey beard and a thick Southern accent comes up to my table…)

    Me: “Hello, sir, would you like to try some tuna salad with hot sauce?”

    Customer: “Maybe. Can I see the hot sauce bottle?”

    Me: *thinking he wanted to see the ingredients* “All right, sure.” *I hand him the bottle*

    Customer: *carefully shakes the bottle, then tips it upside down to see how much is left*

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “Good girl, you’ve used a lot of it.”

    Me: “Well, I’ve been serving it to a lot of people.”

    Customer: “Yee-hee!”

    (The man unscrews the bottle, then tilts his head back and starts shaking hot sauce into his mouth.)

    Me: “Sir! Sir, I have to ask for that back now!”

    Customer: “Hee-hee. You can’t say you’re Cajun unless you can do that. You need one of those little bottles. I can chug them. Can’t call yourself Southern otherwise. Yee-hee!”

    (The man handed back the bottle and walked off. I sanitized the bottle as thoroughly as possible!)

    Breaking Bread With An Awesome Kid

    | NY, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (I work at a supermarket in New York City. I generally work in the bread department, making sure the shelves are stocked and the bread gets rotated. A four-year-old girl and her mother enter the section to look at the bread while I’m kneeling on the floor, rotating bread on a bottom shelf.)

    Little Girl: *from behind me* “Hello!”

    (I turn around to see her.)

    Me: “Hi!”

    Little Girl: “Whatcha doing?”

    (I’m not sure how to explain my job to a four-year-old in a way she’ll understand.)

    Me: “I’m, uh, counting the bread.”

    (The little girl looks around the section with eyes wide.)

    Little Girl: “How much bread is there?”

    Me: “12.”

    (Her eyes go as big as saucers and she claps her hands to her cheeks in over-exaggerated surprise.)

    Little Girl: “That’s a LOT of bread! Mommy, did you hear that? There’s a LOT of bread!”

    (She and her mother stuck around a little longer while she told me all about what her favorite bread is and how she liked that it was warm out today, because she thought it was never going to be warm outside ever again. It made my day.)

    Someone Will Scream For The Wrong Ice Cream

    | London, England, UK | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (A customer comes in, looking a little tired. I’m stacking shelves.)

    Customer: “Hi, I need some vanilla Häagen-Dazs. Where are your freezers?”

    Me: “They’re over here, but I’m afraid I think we’re out of Häagen-Dazs. We have our own brand vanilla.”

    (He gives me a look like he’s going to cry.)

    Customer: “I’m really sorry. It has to be Häagen-Dazs. It has to be vanilla.” *voice cracking* “Do you know where I could get some?”

    (I promised to go and check the store room as he genuinely looked like he was about to burst into tears and I thought maybe he wasn’t very well. Luckily, we had a couple left that hadn’t been brought out. I brought it back and handed it to him. He looks at it like it’s magical, breathes a huge sigh of relief, and heads to the check out. He picks up a mini chocolate cake on the way and I see him talk to my colleague behind the counter. After he’s gone, she comes over to me and hands me the cake.)

    Coworker: “That guy just said this is for you. He said he’s going home to his eight-month pregnant monster wife and because of you he’s not going to be murdered tonight.”

    Free KiWiFi

    | Australia | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (As we fill the bunks in the fresh produce department off loaded trolleys, we often get customers asking if they can take items directly off the trolley instead of the display. Of course, we tell them yes.)

    Me: *cheerfully filling kiwi fruit*

    Customer: *takes one off the trolley* “Can I take this?”

    Me: “Of course.”

    Customer: *kiwi fruit in hand, strolls out of the store*

    Me: *stunned*

    (Now I always remember to say ‘only if you pay for it.’ Thanks, random customer, for making me sound like a b**** to all the paying customers.)

    A War Veteran Ally

    | PA, USA | At The Checkout, Military, Spouses & Partners

    (We have a regular customer who is a WW II veteran, at least 90-years-old, and lives alone. He prides himself on being cantankerous. I always make an effort to be nice to him so that he’ll have no excuse for throwing his food on the belt, insulting us, etc. I’m a young woman, and I wear a LGBT-rainbow bracelet to work.)

    Me: *while ringing up items* “Good morning, sir. How are you today?”

    Customer: “You’re nice to me. Most people aren’t, you know.”

    Me: “Well, you served our country. That seems a pretty good reason to be nice to you. Alrighty, sir, your total today is $13.95.”

    Customer: “Good. I’ve got enough left over to take you out to lunch.”

    Me: “You’ll have to check with my girlfriend on that.”

    Customer: *as he pulls out money* “Are you lookin’? Don’t look!”

    (This is a regular thing with him. I just smile and look away, holding out my hand for the money. My bracelet is in plain sight.)

    Customer: “I don’t like a suspicious woman!”

    Me: *deliberately, but lightly* “Neither does my girlfriend. Good thing I’ve been faithful to her the whole two years we’ve been together.”

    (Customer finishes handing me the money.  I ring him up, then give him the change and the receipt. My bagger is stifling laughter.)

    Customer: “You know I’m only gonna get worse if you let me.”

    Me: “I’ll let my girlfriend know, but I think you’re pretty harmless.”

    Customer: “And I think you’re pretty, especially when you smile.”

    Me: “Thank you. I’ll have to tell my girlfriend that! You have a good day, sir.”

    Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do!” *grins and scooters off*

    Bagger: “I don’t think he gets it.”

    Me: “He treated me exactly the same as he would if I’d mentioned a boyfriend. Who knows, maybe he’s an LGBT ally!”

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