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    Never Heard Of Sausage Idiot

    | England, UK |

    Me: “Can I help?”

    Customer: “I want a refund on this instant barbecue. It’s no good.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir. What’s the problem?”

    Customer: “The picture on the front shows meat on the grill, but there’s no meat inside this box.”

    (I am dumbfounded, but I don’t argue. The shop has a ‘no-quibble’ returns policy.)

    Me: “Well, I can refund that for you sir. Do you have a receipt?”

    (The customer hands over receipt.)

    Me: “I can see you bought three of these barbecues, sir. Where are the other two?”

    Customer: “At home in the freezer.”

    Cows Live Off The Fat Of The Land

    | Birmingham, England, UK |

    Customer: “Can you tell me which milk is full fat, please?”

    Me: “Of course. It’s this one with the blue lid.”

    Customer: “But that says 4%. I don’t want 4%. I want full fat.”

    Me: “The 4% means that 4% of the milk is fat, which is all of the fat milk has in it to begin with.”

    Customer: “But I want full fat milk, not 4%.”

    Me: “If it was 100%, then it would just be a bottle of fat, sir.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand all this new healthy stuff…”

    Hasn’t Quite Nailed The Reason For The Purchase

    | New Zealand |

    Customer: “Hello.”

    Me: “Hello, is there anything you’re after?”

    Customer: “Yes, you know that stuff that’s a bit like nail polish, and you put it on your child’s nails to stop them biting them. Do you stock it?”

    Me: “Yes, actually we do. I brought some for my sister the other day. Her daughter bites her nails. Would you like me to show you where it’s located, or just give you directions?”

    Customer: “Show me.”

    (We walk to the aisle.)

    Me: “Here you go. We have two brands.”

    Customer: “Oh, I’ve tried both of those.”

    Me: “Did either of them work?”

    Customer: “No, my son didn’t like the taste of them.”

    £500 Non-Pays Of Summer

    | Brighton, England, UK |

    (A elderly customer buys an incredible amount of food, most of which is dried pasta and tinned fruit. The total comes to £500.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but your card has been declined due to insufficient funds.”

    Customer: “Why is that?”

    Me: “You don’t have enough money in your account.”

    Customer: “Yes, I do.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but it seems you don’t.”

    Customer: “No, I do. I let Prime Minister David Cameron borrow some. He’ll put it back in soon.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes. But you mustn’t tell anyone. I need this food now, so can you just put it through, please?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but without the money, I cannot complete your transaction.”

    Customer: “When I go into hibernation for the summer, I’ll need to have plenty of food in my house.”

    (I am shocked into silence.)

    Customer: “You’re beautiful. How about we hibernate together this summer, sweetie?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Here’s my address. Look me up as soon as July hits!”

    (She hands me a piece of paper and hurries out of the shop. I look at the piece of paper. It is actually just a drawing of the sun, with the words ‘TRUST NO ONE’ written below.)

    A Little Big Communication Problem

    | London, England, UK |

    Customer: “I’d like some big little batteries, please.”

    (I gesture behind me.)

    Customer: “Big-little ones.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”

    Customer: “You know, you’ve got little-little ones, then little-big ones, then big-little ones, then big-big ones. You know?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you’re being very vague.”

    Customer: “I just want some rechargeable big-little batteries.”

    Me: “These are the only rechargeable batteries we do.”

    Customer: “Yes! Those! Big-little ones, see?”

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