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    Over The Hill And Picking Up Speed

    | Florida, USA |

    (An elderly man walks up to my register with his button down shirt unbuttoned nearly all the way and doesn’t seem to care he’s almost not wearing a shirt. After scanning his groceries, he goes to swipe his card on our new machine.)

    Customer: “Well, what the Jim Bean is this?”

    Me: “Oh, thats our new card machine. You just need to swipe, then sign for it with the pen there.”

    Customer: “What will they try to do next? D*** Chinese wantin’ to take over this country. Them and their Mickey Mouse!”

    Life Sucks When You’re Not American

    | Cornwall, UK |

    Me: “Thanks, and have a nice day!”

    Customer: “Don’t tell me to have a nice day! We’re not in America!”

    Me: “Sorry…don’t have a nice day?”

    Customer: “I won’t, because I’m British!”

    Now Selling The War On Germs, Aisle 5

    | Newton, MA, USA | At The Checkout

    (I am working at a register. I use my t-shirt sleeve to clear my eyes. As I am doing this, a customer walks up with her groceries. She whips out a bottle of sanitizer and grabs my hand and sprays a lot of sanitizer on it.)

    Customer: “Rub it in! What you just did is dangerous to me and everyone else around!”

    (I rub it in because I didn’t want to argue. As I’m doing this, another cashier comes over to help me. She is Filipino. After a couple seconds, the customer looks over at her.)

    Customer: “Is it okay in your country to pick your nose and wipe it all over someone else? Because it isn’t okay in mine!”

    Never Heard Of Sausage Idiot

    | England, UK |

    Me: “Can I help?”

    Customer: “I want a refund on this instant barbecue. It’s no good.”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir. What’s the problem?”

    Customer: “The picture on the front shows meat on the grill, but there’s no meat inside this box.”

    (I am dumbfounded, but I don’t argue. The shop has a ‘no-quibble’ returns policy.)

    Me: “Well, I can refund that for you sir. Do you have a receipt?”

    (The customer hands over receipt.)

    Me: “I can see you bought three of these barbecues, sir. Where are the other two?”

    Customer: “At home in the freezer.”

    Cows Live Off The Fat Of The Land

    | Birmingham, England, UK |

    Customer: “Can you tell me which milk is full fat, please?”

    Me: “Of course. It’s this one with the blue lid.”

    Customer: “But that says 4%. I don’t want 4%. I want full fat.”

    Me: “The 4% means that 4% of the milk is fat, which is all of the fat milk has in it to begin with.”

    Customer: “But I want full fat milk, not 4%.”

    Me: “If it was 100%, then it would just be a bottle of fat, sir.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand all this new healthy stuff…”

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