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    Of Dirty Mouths And Dirtier Assumptions

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | At The Checkout

    (I am serving a mother and her teenage daughter. There is a limited edition version of a popular type of gum. The daughter picks up a packet.)

    Customer: *looking outraged* “I’m not buying you condoms!” *slaps the gum out of her hands*

    Customer’s daughter: *embarrassed* “They’re not condoms!”

    Customer: “Or…whatever they are!”

    Customer’s daughter: “It’s gum!”

    Customer: *embarrassed*

    Customer’s daughter: *even more embarrassed and turning bright red*

    Both of them: *hurriedly pay and leave, without the gum*

    Whiney Wine

    | Wiltshire, UK |

    (I work in a supermarket with a reputation for having an upper middle class customer base. It is a very, very busy Saturday and I’m trying to run people through as quickly as possible. Note I’m underage and can’t sell alcohol without the permission of a supervisor.)

    Me: “I’ll just page someone of age to ring the wine through. Is it okay for me to do everything else first?”

    Customer: “Whatever, just get on with it.”

    (I start ringing everything else through, watching out for my supervisors. All of them are busy dealing with other customers and situations.)

    Customer: “Do the wine now.”

    Me: “Madam, I can scan it, but I can’t allow you to pay for it until it’s been run through by my supervisor.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not? Just run it through!”

    Me: “I’m 17, madam. It’s against the law for me to buy or sell alcohol and I don’t have the option to bypass the supervisor authorization even if I wanted to.”

    Customer: “So you don’t want to?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “You don’t want to get someone to do it, do you?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t understand–”

    (Before I know it, the woman has turned around and stormed up to another employee, who isn’t from the section and is also underage.)

    Customer: “There you are! I’ve been waiting forever for someone to do this alcohol because that girl won’t do it! Now, get over here and do it!”

    Coworker: “Madam, I’m not from this section. I’m just collecting trolleys. I can’t process your alcohol.”

    (The customer storms around the checkouts hunting for someone else, as I sit mortified at my till. Eventually, she finds one of the supervisors. After a barrage of anger, her alcohol is processed.)

    When Pigs Pork, You Get Pig

    | UK | Food & Drink

    (I am working the customer services counter. A customer walks up and throws down a packet of pigs liver.)

    Customer: “I want a packet of pork liver, but I can only find pigs’ liver. Why don’t you stock it?!”

    Me: “Pigs’ liver is pork liver. Pork comes from a pig. It is the same thing. I can take you to our butcher to explain this if you want.”

    Customer: “You think I was born yesterday? They are not the same thing. And, even if they are, I want it to say pork liver.”

    Me: “Pigs and pork are the same.”

    Customer: “They are not!” *throws the liver at me and storms out the door*

    Economics Is About Supply and Nevermind

    | Miami, FL, USA | Extra Stupid, Money

    (Our store has a weekly special where if you buy certain item(s), you get a few other items for free. The customer I’m ringing up has two pizzas, which are the items you need to buy for this week’s deal.)

    Me: “By the way, ma’am, since you bought these two pizzas, you can get chicken tenders, popsicles, and a 2 liters soda for free. It’s part of our weekly deal.”

    Customer: “I don’t want them.”

    Me: “Well, they’re free, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I don’t care! I don’t want them!”

    Me: “Well, you could just take them and give them to someone you know.”

    Customer: “Why would I give them anything for free? That’s stupid.”

    Me: “Well, you could charge them for it, I guess. If you sold it for less than we sell it, they’d buy it off of you, I’m sure.”

    Customer: “Nobody would be stupid enough to do that!”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “Just shut up and ring me up!”

    (I proceed to ring her up without her free items.)

    Have You Tried Dihydrogen Monoxide

    | Bradenton, FL, USA | At The Checkout

    (I am bagging a lady’s order when she asks me to go find some unflavored enhanced water drink for her–you know, the trendy, minimally flavored waters that come with vitamins.)

    Me: “Ma’am, [enhanced water drink] doesn’t come in unflavored. Is there something else I can get you?”

    Customer: “Yes, the unflavored one. You know, it has zero calories and no sugar.”

    Me: “Is it still carbonated?”

    Customer: “No, it’s uncarbonated too!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s just called water.”

    (I end up selling her a 24 pack of spring water.)

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