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    Have You Tried Dihydrogen Monoxide

    | Bradenton, FL, USA | At The Checkout

    (I am bagging a lady’s order when she asks me to go find some unflavored enhanced water drink for her–you know, the trendy, minimally flavored waters that come with vitamins.)

    Me: “Ma’am, [enhanced water drink] doesn’t come in unflavored. Is there something else I can get you?”

    Customer: “Yes, the unflavored one. You know, it has zero calories and no sugar.”

    Me: “Is it still carbonated?”

    Customer: “No, it’s uncarbonated too!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s just called water.”

    (I end up selling her a 24 pack of spring water.)

    Fried Brain Fried Cakes

    | Pennsylvania, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Top

    (I work in the kosher deli section of a supermarket.)

    Customer: “I need ten potato pancakes, please.”

    (There are only four potato pancakes in the display case. I check the cooler, but there are no more in there.)

    Me: “Please excuse me, ma’am, but we only have four potato pancakes right now. I’m going to call my manager to see if we have any more in the back.”

    (I call my manager. Unfortunately, the four potato pancakes in my case are the only ones in the store. We are all out. I relay this fact to the customer.)

    Customer: “Could you please make some more? We have company coming over later and I need at least ten potato pancakes.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t make the potato pancakes here. We buy them pre-made from another company and we don’t have any more in stock right now.”

    Customer: “But can’t you just go in the back and make some more?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I cannot. As I said, we don’t make them here. We buy them pre-made from another company.”

    Customer: “I understand that, but can’t you just make more?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I cannot. We buy them pre-made. We don’t make them here.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I get that, but why won’t you just make more?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we do not make them here. We buy them pre-made from another company. I don’t have a kitchen in the back because there is no in-back for this section, and even if there was, I don’t have the ingredients.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know, but why won’t you make more of them?”

    (At this point, the customer’s husband walks up.)

    Husband: “What’s going on?”

    Customer: “He’ll only sell me those four pancakes in the case. He won’t make any more!”

    Husband: “Why won’t you make any more?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m very sorry, but as I explained to your wife, we do not make the potato pancakes here in the store. We buy them pre-made from another company. We’re actually not allowed to cook any hot food in this section, as it would be a health code violation.”

    Customer: “I know that, but why won’t you make more?”

    (The customer’s husband looks at her like she’s crazy.)

    Husband: “Honey, they buy the potato pancakes already made from somewhere else. They don’t cook them here.”

    Customer: “I know that! Why won’t they make more?!”

    Husband: “Honey, shut up.” *turns to me* “I’m very sorry. Can we just have the four potato pancakes in the display?”

    Me: “Sure thing, sir.”

    The Gaze Of Amnesia

    | New Jersey, USA | At The Checkout

    (I work at a grocery store and have just rung up a middle aged man’s groceries. He has a very heavy Spanish accent.)

    Me: “Do you have a bonus savings card, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’ll give you my phone number to look it up. 973…umm…hold on.”

    Me: “Would you like me to put the store card in for you?”

    Customer: “No! I forgot my phone number! I’ve had the same phone number for 27 years. Then, I take one look into your beautiful green eyes and I forget!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, sir. I can put a store card number in for you. You
    will get all of the same discounts.”

    Customer: “No, thank you.”

    (He then repeats the phone number over and over again until he gets the right one. Every time he’s come back to the store, I have to avoid looking him in the eye so he doesn’t forget.)

    Fresh Until Proven Spoiled

    | Sydney, Australia | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (A customer comes to the return desk the day after Christmas.)

    Customer: “This ham smells off. Smell it. I want a refund.”

    Me: “I’m sorry that it was off, sir. I’ll refund you now.”

    Customer: “Aren’t you going to smell it?”

    Me: “Um…it’s okay. I believe you.”

    Customer: “It smells terrible!”

    Me: “I’m sure it does, sir, but it’s not necessary for me to smell it. I’ll just give you the refund.”

    Customer: “How do you know I’m not lying if you won’t smell it?”

    Me: “Sir, I am not going to smell your ham.”

    Customer: “SMELL MY HAM!”

    Spare Change For Cheap Thrills

    | NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

    (I am a cashier in a grocery store. I have just rung up an elderly man’s groceries. Keep in mind this man is around 80 years old.)

    Me: “Your total is $52.83, sir.”

    Customer: *holds out hand full of change* “Can you pick out the right amount for me, honey?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I carefully start counting out change from his open hand.)

    Customer: “It’s okay. I’ll let you touch my hand so I can get a thrill. Even at 80, I still get thrills, you know!”

    Me: *speechless*


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