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    This Cheese Has Been Around

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    (I’ve been helping this customer for about two minutes.)

    Me: “Can I get you anything else?”

    Customer: “Yes, give me half a pound of the philandering cheese.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “The philandering cheese!”

    Me: “Uh, which one?”

    Customer: “The philandering Swiss cheese!”

    (She points at the wall behind the counter where we display the cheeses. I turn around and immediately realize which cheese she means.)

    Me: “Oh, Finlandia Swiss!”

    Customer: “That’s what I said! Philandering Swiss!”

    Related:
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 6
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 5
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 5
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 4
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 3
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

    Don’t Mess With The Candyland Gang

    | Northamptonshire, UK | Criminal/Illegal, Holidays, Top

    (It’s 7 AM Christmas Eve, and our shop has only just opened. I am one of two checkout staff. There are three customers in shop, one of whom is acting edgy and therefore attracts my attention.)

    Me: *to my supervisor* “I think that guy put something in his pocket.”

    (My supervisor keeps an eye on man and sees him pocket a packet of sausages, so she calls security calls security. Half a dozen tall, bulky guys storm over to the checkouts. However, as it is Christmas Eve, they are all dressed up. Supervisor B, who is dressed up as an ice queen, complete with cape and crown, prevents the customer from leaving.)

    Supervisor: “Excuse me, sir, are you sure you’ve paid for everything?”

    Customer: “Um…”

    (He looks up in fear at my supervisor, who is flanked by an angel, a snowman, a Christmas pudding, a Santa, and a guy in a tutu and fairy wings.)

    Customer: “Oh, um, yeah, here’s some other stuff.” *empties pockets* “Sorry, excuse me.”

    (He tries to side step to walk around us, but stumbles into a 6-foot snowman complete with top hat.)

    Customer: “Excuse me…excuse me…excuse me!” *scurries out the door*

    Red Light ATM

    | Melbourne, Australia | Rude & Risque

    (I am a cashier serving an elderly woman in her 70′s or 80′s. I have just finished scanning her items and she is handing me the money after looking through her purse for several minutes.)

    Customer: “Here you go, dear. I was a bit worried for a moment that I wouldn’t have enough money! I thought I might have to…well, you’re probably to young to know.”

    Me: “What’s that, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Well, I thought I might have to go down to [well known brothel] and stand out on the street. You know, earn some fast cash!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: *laughing* “You have a lovely day now!”

    We Like Our Innuendos Freshly Baked

    | Hagerstown, MD, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (I’m working check out as a gay couple comes up to my line with a dozen or so bananas.)

    Customer: “So, what do you think two gay men are going to do with this many bananas?”

    Me: *playing along* “Uh, make phallic jokes, then eat them?”

    Customer: “Well, yeah, but we’re making banana bread!”

    Numbers Don’t Lie

    | Perth, Western Australia, Australia | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal

    (I’m a checkout assistant at a supermarket working the night of Halloween. A teenager and his girlfriend come to the checkout at about 8pm with three dozen eggs.)

    Me: “You’re not the ones who have been egging people in the carpark, are you?”

    Customer: “Uh, no. We, um, just want to make an omelette.”

    Me: “You’re making a thirty-six egg omelette? How big is your frying pan?”

    Customer: “S***.” *runs out of the store*


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