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    An Off-Color Purchase

    | Dedham, MA, USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top

    (I work in the beer and wine department of a large supermarket chain. A very elderly customer comes in a couple times a month and asks us to give him two different white wines, six bottles of each. This day, he approaches me.)

    Customer: “Could you help me? I want two red wines, six bottles of each.”

    Me: “What do you typically like?”

    Customer: “I don’t care. What do you think I’ll like?”

    (I suggest a couple wines, he takes them without complaint.)

    Customer: “You know, for ten years I’ve been drinking nothing but white wine, because I didn’t want to spill it and stain the carpet. But you know what I realized? F*** it!”

    This Stuff Shouldn’t Phase(r) You Any More

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (In our store we order our products by scanning the shelf labels with a device that shoots a laser to read the barcode. I’m in the refrigerated juice section of the store and have just scanned a label when a middle-aged customer walks up to me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me. Did you just do what I think you did?”

    Me: “I’m just ordering something.”

    Customer: *wide-eyed* “Did you just taser that orange juice?”

    (I look at the scanner in my hand.)

    Me: “Um, if you mean I scanned it, then, I guess so.”

    Customer: “Well, it looks like it’s not moving so it must have worked. Great job!”

    (After the customer happily wanders away my coworker, who saw the whole thing, comes up to me)

    Coworker: “Maybe you should set it to ‘stun’ next time.”

    Drawing A Blanc

    | UK | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (We are one of only two supermarkets in our small town, so we get lots of regular customers. Although we have to ID everyone under 25 every time they buy alcohol or cigarettes, we often make exceptions for people who forget to bring their ID, because we have seen it previously. We try to be relaxed about the rules as much as we can, to keep the locals happy. I am alone on the checkout when an old lady regular comes up with milk and wine.)

    Me: “And how are you this evening?”

    Customer: “Oh, very well! I’m just in to buy this wine because my granddaughter is cooking dinner for us. She can’t buy any because she’s under 18, and, well, she’s making this lovely kind of pavlova!”

    Me: “That sounds lovely, but you do realise that you REALLY shouldn’t have told you’re buying alcohol on behalf of someone who is underage? I can’t sell this to you if that’s what you’re doing.”

    Customer: “WHAT? But that’s why I’M buying it, for my dinner! I can buy wine if I want!”

    Me: *thinking hopefully I misheard her rambling* “Well if you ARE buying it just for your dinner, then maybe I can let you off with it, but you do need to understand that you can’t buy with intent to supply to alcohol to underage people.”

    Customer: “I can buy alcohol for my granddaughter if I want to. It’s for cooking. She won’t be drinking it!”

    Me: “I know what you are trying to say, but I need you to understand that you can’t TELL ME you’re buying it for a teenager. You can have it this time, under the circumstances, but I need you to tell me you understand you shouldn’t do it in future.”

    Customer: “This is unbelievable! If you’re going to be like that, you can take it back! I should be able to buy whatever I want! I’ll just go to [Other Supermarket] and buy it there!”

    (She storms off dramatically and the only other customer comes up to the counter.)

    Customer #2: “She didn’t seem like the brightest spark, did she?”

    The Best Trait(or) Of A Good Customer

    , | Australia | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers

    (I work for a well known supermarket that has exactly one equally popular competitor in Australia. It’s a well known ‘feud,’ if you will. A customer I don’t recognise comes in and starts looking closely at all our items.)

    Customer: *muttering to herself* “Um… can I ask you some stupid questions?”

    Me: *chuckling* “Of course.”

    Customer: *sheepishly* “I usually shop at [Competitor]…”

    (She seems like an understanding type, so I take a risk.)

    Me: “Traitor. We don’t like your kind.”

    Customer: *flails* “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me!”

    (We find everything she’s looking for and she starts walking away.)

    Me: “Thank you for shopping at [Store]!”

    Customer: “I might even come back! “

    Repeated Lottery Numbers

    , | Australia | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Money

    (I’ve been working here for two years and never been jokingly asked for the lotto numbers before.)

    Me: “Is there anything else today?”

    Customer #1: “The winning lotto numbers?”

    Me: “Aha, sir, if I had them I doubt I’d be working here.”

    (The customer laughs and walks away. About six hours later I’m serving someone else.)

    Me: “Anything else?”

    Customer #2: “Oh, yes, I’d also like the winning lotto numbers!”

    Me: *pause* “Huh. You know, that’s the second time I’ve been asked that today!”

    Customer #2: “Ha, weird. So do you have them?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I gave them to the first guy. It wouldn’t be fair to tell you as well.”

    Customer #2: “Touché.”

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