(I am working the tills at a supermarket. I am of Vietnamese descent but was born in London. An older gentleman comes through my till.)

Customer: *practically shouting* “Ni-Hao!”

Me: “Hello to you to sir, but that’s Chinese. I am actually Vietnamese.”

(I point to my name tag which in our shop goes by family name instead of first name. Mine is the very common ‘Nguyen’.)

Customer: “Don’t lie!”

Me: “I assure you sure I am Vietnamese.”

Customer: “There aren’t any Vietnamese people left!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Yeah, the Americans killed them all back in the seventies or something.”

Me: “I think you may have your history confused. I assure you there is still a Vietnam and it is full of Vietnamese people.”

Customer: “Well I don’t know how you managed to escape but I wouldn’t say it so loudly. There might be Americans around looking for survivors.”

Me: *as I ring up his last item* “Probably a good idea. That will be £10.34 please.”

Customer: *as he pays* “Wouldn’t want a young lad like you getting caught!”

(The customer heads towards the exit, but unfortunately notices the security guard who also happens to be my brother. He is 6ft tall and a body-builder and I dread what might happen.)

Customer: “Ni-Hao!”

Brother: “Actually I’m Vietnamese.”

Customer: “Another one?! But the Americans wiped you all out!”

Brother: *standing to full height* “I think you might want to just keep on walking.”

Customer: “How dare you talk to me like that?! I’m going to call the Americans, and then they’ll come down here and shoot you!”

(I am guy in my late teens, bagging groceries for a male cashier when a woman in her mid to late thirties arrives at the till.)

Cashier: “Here you go, ma’am.”

Customer: “‘Ma’am?!’ Do I look old enough to be a ‘ma’am?!’”

Cashier: “Uh, sorry miss.”

Customer: “‘Miss!’ That’s even worse! You make me feel like an old maid! I’m still young and beautiful! And you, bag boy! Make sure the eggs are on top, okay?”

Me: *miming shooting a gun and winking* “You got it, babe.”

Customer: *blushing* “I…uh…okay.”

Cashier: “Dude.”

Customer: “Excuse me, where is the tea?”

Me: “Right this way.”

Customer: “Do you have any tea that isn’t fair trade?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Do you have any tea that isn’t fair trade? It’s more expensive!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I think you are missing the point.”

Customer: “It’s more expensive! That isn’t very fair to me!”

(I am scanning a customer’s order when I notice she is buying a $30 lip-gloss that is also being given away with a magazine).

Me: "Miss, if you’d like to buy [magazine] for $7.20, you get this exact lip-gloss free inside."

Customer: "But I don’t want the magazine. I just want the lip-gloss."

Me: "I understand, but even if you give the magazine away, you still get the lip-gloss for $7.20 and save $22.80."

Customer: "Do I look like a charity? I’m not going to give away a $7 magazine. Haven’t you heard of saving money?"

Me: "Well yes, what I’m saying is you can save money by buying the magazine–"

Customer: "Stop trying to rip me off and scan my lip-gloss!"

(I ring up her lip-gloss for $30 and she storms off. The next customer puts the same magazine on the counter.)

Next Customer: "I don’t want it either, but I have half a brain."

(I am ringing up a middle-aged man.)

Customer: “You go to school, son?”

Me: “Yes sir, I’m a college student.”

Customer: “Good good. Be sure to start paying into social security. I’m going to need it soon.”