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    A Taxing Interview

    | England, UK | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Top

    (I’m supposed to be doing interviews for a new babysitter within the hour. I quickly run out to the local supermarket to pick up a few supplies, such as biscuits and coffee for the interviewees. There is a very long line. It’s my turn to be rung up, when another customer approaches me.)

    Other Customer: “Hi, sorry, but can I just skip the queue in front of you? I’ve got a very important meeting soon.”

    Me: “Sorry, but I’m in a bit of a rush myself you see, I—”

    Other Customer: “Now you listen here you ungrateful b****! You are not in as much of a rush as me! I have a very important meeting soon! Do you know what that means? It means I have the opportunity to get a job, unlike you, you lazy b****! You probably just live off of benefits; wasting tax-payer’s money, buying s*** that you don’t even deserve! I have a job opportunity that you will never have!”

    Employee: “Excuse me, miss; I’m going to have to ask you to leave right now!”

    Other Customer: “I will not leave! Kick her out; she’s the one wasting our taxes!”

    (Security escorts her out.)

    Me: “Thank you! What a b****!”

    Employee: “Tell me about it! Are you okay?”

    Me: “Yes, I’m fine thanks!”

    (I return home half an hour later, just 10 minutes before my first interviewee is due. Lo and behold, it turns out to be the rude customer from the shop. It turns out that the important meeting she had was with me. Not surprisingly, she didn’t get the job.)

    Customer Service Stripped Bare

    | Clifton, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I have a line of three customers on my register. Customer #1 is a good looking man in his early twenties. Customers #2 and #3 are elderly women.)

    Me: “Your total is $15.87.”

    Customer #1: “Do you take credit card?”

    Me: “Yes, just push the top button and slide your card through.”

    (Customer #1 pushes the button and slides his card, but does it the wrong way. I am bagging his items, so I don’t see this until he has tried three times.)

    Me: “Strip down, facing me.”

    (Customer #1 blushes, and I immediately realize what I’ve just said. I’m about to apologize to the elderly ladies for being risqué when…)

    Customer #2: “Yeah, honey, show us what you’ve got!”

    Fancy Titles Are All Just Hot Air

    | Australia | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers

    (A customer comes up to my empty register. I have to put away some keys, so I am delayed slightly.)

    Me: “Sorry about the delay, sir.”

    Customer: “Don’t worry about it. You don’t have to call me sir. Why do people call me sir?”

    Me: “I don’t know. I guess it’s a sign of respect.”

    Customer: “Maybe, but it’s very American.”

    Me: “I suppose so, but what else would I call you?”

    (The customer ponders this for a while.)

    Customer: “What about, ‘old fart’?”

    Me: *laughing* “I don’t think I’d have a job if I called people that!”

    Customer: “I wouldn’t mind!”

    Her Slap Is Worse Than Her Bite

    | Waterford, Ireland | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (An elderly woman approaches me.)

    Customer: “Miss, can you please do me a favour?”

    Me: “Sure thing. How can I help?”

    Customer: “I need you to look after my dog.”

    (I am slightly alarmed, as we are in the fresh meat section.)

    Me: “Is your dog in the shop?”

    Customer: “Of course not! Who brings a dog to a shop?!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry but I can’t mind your dog. As you can see I’m actually working in the store at the moment, so I can’t leave.”

    Customer: “Are you refusing to help me?!”

    Me: “No, miss. I’m afraid I simply can’t leave in the middle of a shift to mind a stranger’s dog.”

    (She proceeds to slap me HARD in the face.)

    Customer: “Why won’t you help me?!”

    (She slaps me on the other cheek, and storms away. I turn to find a queue of customers at customer service, and a coworker looking on in horror.)

    Me: “I need hazard pay for this job.”

    Other Customer: “Holy s***, how did you not slap her back?”

    Me: “Years of practice.”

    Wanted A Refund, But Scratch That

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month

    (A familiar looking lady approaches the front counter, but I can’t remember where I’ve seen her before. She speaks briefly to a colleague that is manning the front counter, who comes over to me.)

    Colleague: “This lady wants to return this DVD because she claims it doesn’t work. Take a look at the disc.”

    (I take a look at the disc, and it is severely scratched.)

    Me: “Well, that’s clearly why it’s not working. Did she say she bought it like that?”

    Colleague: “Yeah. She said she opened it and the disc was already like that.”

    (All of our DVDs come with security seals which are unlocked when purchased, so I know this isn’t the case. I look at the DVD title in our system, and notice we have not sold any in the last four weeks. I remember this same customer has tried to return DVDs in the same condition before.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. How are you today? Now, were you the customer that was after a refund for this DVD?”

    Customer: “Yes, it doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Okay. Now did you have a receipt for it? That way I can clear up a few things.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t have a receipt! I didn’t think I’d need one!”

    Me: “Okay, that’s fine. Now when did you purchase this DVD?”

    Customer: “Last week! Why is this even an issue?”

    Me: “Well, I have just checked our records. It shows that we haven’t sold a copy of this DVD is over a month. So, either you’re lying to me, or you’ve stolen it. In either case, you are definitely not getting a refund, and I suggest you leave this store immediately. I’ll be sure to ring all neighbouring stores, informing them that you’re attempting to get a refund on a product that you may not have even bought. Is that all for today?”

    (The customer snatches the DVD, and runs out of the store. I ring the store closest to us. Two hours later, I receive a phone call saying they caught her, and she is wanted for 12 other charges!)


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