(I am working the customer services counter. A customer walks up and throws down a packet of pigs liver.)

Customer: “I want a packet of pork liver, but I can only find pigs’ liver. Why don’t you stock it?!”

Me: “Pigs’ liver is pork liver. Pork comes from a pig. It is the same thing. I can take you to our butcher to explain this if you want.”

Customer: “You think I was born yesterday? They are not the same thing. And, even if they are, I want it to say pork liver.”

Me: “Pigs and pork are the same.”

Customer: “They are not!” *throws the liver at me and storms out the door*

(Our store has a weekly special where if you buy certain item(s), you get a few other items for free. The customer I’m ringing up has two pizzas, which are the items you need to buy for this week’s deal.)

Me: “By the way, ma’am, since you bought these two pizzas, you can get chicken tenders, popsicles, and a 2 liters soda for free. It’s part of our weekly deal.”

Customer: “I don’t want them.”

Me: “Well, they’re free, ma’am.”

Customer: “I don’t care! I don’t want them!”

Me: “Well, you could just take them and give them to someone you know.”

Customer: “Why would I give them anything for free? That’s stupid.”

Me: “Well, you could charge them for it, I guess. If you sold it for less than we sell it, they’d buy it off of you, I’m sure.”

Customer: “Nobody would be stupid enough to do that!”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Just shut up and ring me up!”

(I proceed to ring her up without her free items.)

(I am bagging a lady’s order when she asks me to go find some unflavored enhanced water drink for her–you know, the trendy, minimally flavored waters that come with vitamins.)

Me: “Ma’am, [enhanced water drink] doesn’t come in unflavored. Is there something else I can get you?”

Customer: “Yes, the unflavored one. You know, it has zero calories and no sugar.”

Me: “Is it still carbonated?”

Customer: “No, it’s uncarbonated too!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s just called water.”

(I end up selling her a 24 pack of spring water.)

(I work in the kosher deli section of a supermarket.)

Customer: “I need ten potato pancakes, please.”

(There are only four potato pancakes in the display case. I check the cooler, but there are no more in there.)

Me: “Please excuse me, ma’am, but we only have four potato pancakes right now. I’m going to call my manager to see if we have any more in the back.”

(I call my manager. Unfortunately, the four potato pancakes in my case are the only ones in the store. We are all out. I relay this fact to the customer.)

Customer: “Could you please make some more? We have company coming over later and I need at least ten potato pancakes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t make the potato pancakes here. We buy them pre-made from another company and we don’t have any more in stock right now.”

Customer: “But can’t you just go in the back and make some more?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I cannot. As I said, we don’t make them here. We buy them pre-made from another company.”

Customer: “I understand that, but can’t you just make more?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I cannot. We buy them pre-made. We don’t make them here.”

Customer: “Yeah, I get that, but why won’t you just make more?”

Me: “Ma’am, we do not make them here. We buy them pre-made from another company. I don’t have a kitchen in the back because there is no in-back for this section, and even if there was, I don’t have the ingredients.”

Customer: “Yes, I know, but why won’t you make more of them?”

(At this point, the customer’s husband walks up.)

Husband: “What’s going on?”

Customer: “He’ll only sell me those four pancakes in the case. He won’t make any more!”

Husband: “Why won’t you make any more?”

Me: “Sir, I’m very sorry, but as I explained to your wife, we do not make the potato pancakes here in the store. We buy them pre-made from another company. We’re actually not allowed to cook any hot food in this section, as it would be a health code violation.”

Customer: “I know that, but why won’t you make more?”

(The customer’s husband looks at her like she’s crazy.)

Husband: “Honey, they buy the potato pancakes already made from somewhere else. They don’t cook them here.”

Customer: “I know that! Why won’t they make more?!”

Husband: “Honey, shut up.” *turns to me* “I’m very sorry. Can we just have the four potato pancakes in the display?”

Me: “Sure thing, sir.”

(I work at a grocery store and have just rung up a middle aged man’s groceries. He has a very heavy Spanish accent.)

Me: “Do you have a bonus savings card, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ll give you my phone number to look it up. 973…umm…hold on.”

Me: “Would you like me to put the store card in for you?”

Customer: “No! I forgot my phone number! I’ve had the same phone number for 27 years. Then, I take one look into your beautiful green eyes and I forget!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir. I can put a store card number in for you. You
will get all of the same discounts.”

Customer: “No, thank you.”

(He then repeats the phone number over and over again until he gets the right one. Every time he’s come back to the store, I have to avoid looking him in the eye so he doesn’t forget.)