(I am working as a frozen food clerk in a supermarket. I have long hair. As I am stocking, I feel a tug on my pony tail.)

Me: *turning around* “Um, can I help you with something?”

Customer: “No, it’s okay. I just wanted to tug your hair!”

Me: “Uh, okay. Thanks?”

Related:
Please Do Not Lather Up The Employees
Please Do Not Creep Out The Employees
Please Do Not Titillate The Employees
Please Do Not Pet The Employees

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any las-ange?”

Me: “Las-ange?”

Customer: “Yes, it says on my list, ‘las-ange.’”

(He shows me a shopping list with the word ‘lasagne’ written on it.)

Me: *showing him lasagna* “Here’s the lasagna.”

Customer: “No, no! That’s lasag-knee. I want las-ange.”

Me: “Well, lasag-knee is the same as las-ange.”

Customer: “Hmm, I’d better leave it. I don’t want to upset the misses by getting the wrong stuff!”

(I’m working New Years Eve on the tills when three rather older women come into the store. After I serve them, the door alarm goes off right after they leave. My manager goes to investigate.)

Manager: “I’m sorry, ladies, but I’m going to need to check your bags and receipts in case you took something.”

Woman #1: “No, we didn’t take anything. We swear!”

Manager: “Well, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to come back into the store and your bags be searched.”

Woman #1: “No, we haven’t stolen! Look!”

(Suddenly, the women—all in their fifties at least—begin to lift up their long skirts and tops and pull down their bras a bit. Not finding anything, my manager lets them go and comes back into the store.)

Manager: “Thank God I get to go home and get drunk soon. I need a stiff whiskey to get those images out of my head!”

(I am a checkout operator in a supermarket, and I have just finished ringing up a customer’s order. )

Me: “So, that comes to a total of $36.76.  Is there anything else?”

Customer: “I also want a $50 gift card.”

(I add on the gift card and hand it to her.)

Me: “Okay, now the total is $86.76. Will that be all today?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you.”

Me: “How would you like to pay for your order?”

Customer: “I’d like to use this gift card.” *hands me the same $50 gift card that I just activated for her*

Me: “Uh, you still need to pay for this gift card.”

Customer: “Yes, but I’d like to pay for it with the gift card.”

Me: “But the gift card is worth $50.  Your order is $86.76.”

Customer: *rolls eyes* “Uh-huh, so just pay $50 of it with the gift card, and I’ll give you cash for the rest!”

Me: “So that will take your total back to the original $36.76.”

Customer: *looks at me like I’m stupid* “Duh!”

(At the supermarket where I work, we have a store rewards card we can scan if the customer forgets theirs or doesn’t have one.)

Me: “Do you have your bonus card?”

Customer: “No. Could I use the store card, please?”

Me: “Surely.”

Customer: “Don’t call me Shirley!” *laughs* “I’ve waited for years to make that joke!”

Me: “I’m glad I could help you live out that fantasy!”