Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any las-ange?”

Me: “Las-ange?”

Customer: “Yes, it says on my list, ‘las-ange.’”

(He shows me a shopping list with the word ‘lasagne’ written on it.)

Me: *showing him lasagna* “Here’s the lasagna.”

Customer: “No, no! That’s lasag-knee. I want las-ange.”

Me: “Well, lasag-knee is the same as las-ange.”

Customer: “Hmm, I’d better leave it. I don’t want to upset the misses by getting the wrong stuff!”

(I’m working New Years Eve on the tills when three rather older women come into the store. After I serve them, the door alarm goes off right after they leave. My manager goes to investigate.)

Manager: “I’m sorry, ladies, but I’m going to need to check your bags and receipts in case you took something.”

Woman #1: “No, we didn’t take anything. We swear!”

Manager: “Well, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to come back into the store and your bags be searched.”

Woman #1: “No, we haven’t stolen! Look!”

(Suddenly, the women—all in their fifties at least—begin to lift up their long skirts and tops and pull down their bras a bit. Not finding anything, my manager lets them go and comes back into the store.)

Manager: “Thank God I get to go home and get drunk soon. I need a stiff whiskey to get those images out of my head!”

(I am a checkout operator in a supermarket, and I have just finished ringing up a customer’s order. )

Me: “So, that comes to a total of $36.76.  Is there anything else?”

Customer: “I also want a $50 gift card.”

(I add on the gift card and hand it to her.)

Me: “Okay, now the total is $86.76. Will that be all today?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you.”

Me: “How would you like to pay for your order?”

Customer: “I’d like to use this gift card.” *hands me the same $50 gift card that I just activated for her*

Me: “Uh, you still need to pay for this gift card.”

Customer: “Yes, but I’d like to pay for it with the gift card.”

Me: “But the gift card is worth $50.  Your order is $86.76.”

Customer: *rolls eyes* “Uh-huh, so just pay $50 of it with the gift card, and I’ll give you cash for the rest!”

Me: “So that will take your total back to the original $36.76.”

Customer: *looks at me like I’m stupid* “Duh!”

(At the supermarket where I work, we have a store rewards card we can scan if the customer forgets theirs or doesn’t have one.)

Me: “Do you have your bonus card?”

Customer: “No. Could I use the store card, please?”

Me: “Surely.”

Customer: “Don’t call me Shirley!” *laughs* “I’ve waited for years to make that joke!”

Me: “I’m glad I could help you live out that fantasy!”

(I’m working on the checkout. An elderly man who must be around 80 brings his shopping to my till. He unloads his shopping on the belt whilst whistling and singing to himself.)

Me: “Good morning, sir. You seem awfully jolly today.”

Customer: “Well, at my age…it’s just nice to be f***ing alive!”

Me: *laughs*