This occurred back in the mid-1960s. I just figured it out today.

Our tiny elementary school had Friday afternoons devoted to activities for fifth and sixth graders. One was Chorus and another was writing a newspaper. I was in Chorus, and I loved the teacher. I couldn’t sing worth anything, but I loved going.

One Friday, a bigshot from the school department came to talk to us. I must have ADD because as she droned on, I became fixated on a construction paper tree on the bulletin board. I was quiet and wasn’t bothering anyone, but I couldn’t take my eyes off that paper tree. 

Mrs. Bigshot noticed and reprimanded me. I promised I would pay attention. But as soon as she started droning on, I was drawn to that tree.

Even though I wasn’t bothering anyone, she told me perhaps I would be happier in the newspaper class and showed me the door. I had to try to explain to the newspaper teacher why I was crashing his class.

Afterward, my wonderful Chorus teacher said she had been just as bored.

All was well and good… until the next year. We were informed that we had to try out to be in Chorus. Mrs. Bigshot herself was coming from the school department to oversee the proceedings.

Since I couldn’t sing a note, I didn’t get in. I was crushed. After Mrs. Bigshot left, my beloved teacher said I probably had a cold or something; she knew I could sing. She let me join.

Today, I was wondering why a chorus in a small school would have to hold auditions. There were only about forty members. We only performed maybe twice a year and only for other students and parents.

Today, I realized that was her revenge for my inattention.

One would wonder if she went to all the schools to hold auditions.

When I was in college, I received several gift cards to a popular coffee shop chain for my birthday and Christmas. I was like many college kids and didn’t have a lot of actual money, so I could only afford my coffees because I had the gift cards.

In December, I decided to go get a peppermint mocha. It was quite cold outside and snowing. When I got to the shop, I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said, “Cold, Hungry, Anything Helps, God Bless.” I didn’t have any cash, but I had enough on the gift cards to spend, and I felt festive and in the spirit of giving.

Me: “Would you like me to buy you something warm, sir? A coffee or hot chocolate?”

Man: “I just want cash.”

Me: “I don’t have any cash, just gift cards, but I could buy you a sandwich and drink if you like. It’s awfully cold. Would you like something off their menu?”

Man: “I don’t want any food or drinks. I just want cash! What part of that didn’t you understand?”

Me: “Well, your sign says you are cold and hungry, so I thought you might want warm food. I don’t have any cash as I’m just a college student.”

Man: “Just give me some d*** cash already! If you can afford the coffee here, you have to have some.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I guess I’m not able to help you.”

Man: “Rich b****. Can afford coffee but not help out the needy. Typical.”

I offered. I would have been glad to get him a drink and a sandwich or muffin, but I clearly couldn’t buy him whatever it was he wanted the cash for.

I live in a city of over 150,000 people. Our city government has a three-digit phone number, through which citizens can ask questions about city services and report issues.

I called to ask if I had to cut up tree branches for yard waste pick-up. The operator kindly told me this was unnecessary as a lot of people didn’t have the means to do so.

So, I went out to drag the branches to the curb.

Nutty Neighbor: “You have to cut those up.”

Me: “No, I called [three-digit number], and they said I didn’t.”

Nutty Neighbor: “The chief of police called me and said it was necessary.”

Me: “You know [Chief]?”

Nutty Neighbor: “Is that his name?”

I took an art class as an elective in college. We could work on our paintings as long as we wanted, as long as we locked the door when we left. Let the record show that I was not an art major and was actually not that proficient, but I enjoyed it.

One evening, everyone had gone home and I was locking up. I was out in the hall when I was accosted by a student I had never seen before.

She was a dental hygiene student and was looking for someone to illustrate a report she was writing. I was literally the only person around, so she apparently meant me. She thought I could draw caricatures featuring teeth — like a canine tooth in the form of a dog and things of that nature.

Me: “The doors are locked and I’m going home. Plus, I’m a painter and I can’t draw. And I’m a very bad painter.”

Student: “But… I’ll pay you a dollar!”

When I was around seven or eight I was very curious, and a lot of the time I would ask some very interesting questions.

Me: “Where do babies come from?”

My aunt, totally unprepared, quickly came up with an answer.

Aunt: “Uhh… C section?”

Me: “What about the A and B sections?”