When I was in college, back in ye olden days, my professor for Chemistry 101 assigned lab partners. We were also expected to “help” each other, tutoring as necessary. He had access to our transcripts from both college and high school.

He assigned me a tall guy we’ll call Bill. Bill was… not good at Chemistry. Every single lab consisted of me telling Bill how to do it, correcting every little thing he did wrong, and basically doing it all myself while Bill “helped” by writing down what I told him (after I spelled way more words for him than you would expect).

Bill would constantly chat about stuff — not chemistry-related stuff, just random stuff. I was venting to my fiancé one day and mentioned something Bill had said.

Fiancé: *Giving me a weird look* “Do you really not know why you were assigned to keep Bill passing?”

Me: “Why?”

Fiancé: “Football.”

This was a big football school, division 1. Bill was their starting quarterback.

He went on to a fairly unremarkable pro football career.

One day, during a high school sports practice, my teammates and I got on the topic of our local Major League Baseball team. Our coach overheard us.

Coach: “When I was younger, I worked the concessions stand at the ballpark. Let me tell you: don’t ever get a hot dog before the fourth inning. That’s how long it would usually take to use up the hot dogs from the previous game.”

Me: “What if it’s the first game of the season?”

Coach: *In the exact same tone as before* “Let me tell you: don’t ever get a hot dog before the fourth inning.”

The Super Bowl LVIII is being televised, and I am enjoying it on my Sunday with some friends, joking about Taylor Swift, and getting caught up in the tight win. Go Kansas City Chiefs!

During the game, I get a Slack message forwarded to my phone from one of my clients from my graphic design work. The client knows I work a standard Monday-to-Friday, nine-to-five, so I ignore it and enjoy the rest of my Sunday.

On Monday morning, I turn on my computer to find a barrage of emails from the client, getting angrier and angrier. I decide it might be best to resolve this more quickly and just call the client.

Me: “Hello, [Client], this is [My Name]. I wanted to—”

Client: “Finally, he responds! I have an emergency here, and you’ve been AWOL! This is not the level of service I expect and—”

Me: “[Client], it’s 8:09 am on a Monday morning. I have spent the last nine minutes going through your emails, and I’m calling you right back.”

Client: “I emailed you yesterday!”

Me: “Yesterday was Sunday. I do not work on Sundays. I was enjoying the Super Bowl.”

Client: “Excuses! I have an emergency! You need to fix it!”

Me: “You didn’t specify in the emails what the emergency was; you just kept saying it was urgent and then called me names for not responding. What’s the emergency?”

Client: “The logo on my website! It’s the wrong kind of green!”

Me: “It’s been that same tone of green for years, ever since we first designed it for you.”

Client: “Yes, but now I need it to be a different green! It’s giving off the wrong energy according to the color experts on TikTok.”

Me: “I… see? What kind of green did you want to change it to?”

The client emails me a photo of a celebrity wearing a green scarf. It takes me all of a few minutes to source the exact type of green and update the logo. I tell the client to refresh the site.

Me: “Is that better?”

Client: “Yes. I don’t know why you couldn’t have done this yesterday!”

Me: “It was the Super Bowl!”

Client: “And the Super Bowl is more important than my logo?”

Me: “You want me to answer that honestly?”

My youngest child was playing on a tee-ball team. The kids, five- and six-year-olds, were playing on a makeshift field where the spectators had to stand along the first and third base lines. Every kid got to play at least two innings, and most teams had twelve players.

During one particular game, I noticed a little girl acting like she didn’t want to take the outfield when it was her turn to play. She was nearly hiding behind her mother’s leg, and the coach was about to just let it go and leave her out of the game.

I didn’t want to take over the moment, but I knew how she felt because, at that age, I had the same problem: horrible shyness.

I went to the little girl.

Me: “I know how you feel. Would you be willing to take your position in the outfield if I stood beside you the entire time you’re out there?”

She agreed to do it. I knew that once she broke the barrier of her shyness, she would enjoy the game. So, I stood with her for three innings in the outfield, once telling her where to throw the ball.

She wound up having a blast at the rest of the games that summer.

After that, every time she saw me in town for the next few years, she would yell out:

Little Girl: “Hi, Mister Coach!”

I came away with more than she did, I think.

My daughter is autistic, and her therapists suggested scheduling play dates with neurotypical kids so she can learn social cues from them. I don’t know a lot of parents outside of my daughter’s school… and the dojo where I learn karate. My classmates will bring their kids and let them play while we do our class, so it’s a good fit. And the kids love [Daughter]. 

The only problem is [Daughter]’s lack of situational awareness. When she needs Mommy or wants to play in the mat area, she doesn’t care if adults are swinging weapons and each other around.

Luckily, [Daughter] also responds to bribery, so I promised her a Happy Meal (the height of rewards for a kid) if she behaves and stays out of the mat area during class.

During drills one night, I looked over to see four of the kids holding my daughter back from the mats. One of them dramatically shouted:

Kid: “Don’t do it, [Daughter]! Think about the Happy Meal!” 

The entire dojo burst into laughter. I found out what she wanted (just a hug), and she’s since learned she can call out to me for assistance.