Putting The Scent Into Ascents

, | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel

(The x-ray operator sends me to search for an oversized liquid in a passenger’s carry on. She does the search required and finds an unopened bottle of 185 ml perfume.)

Coworker: “Unfortunately, ma’am, this liquid is over the size limit and cannot go past this point.”

Passenger: “That is not a liquid.”

Coworker: “What is it, then?”

Passenger: “It’s a scent.”

He’s Fully Armed

, | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Bizarre, One-Liners, Technology, Tourists/Travel

(I am watching the walk-through metal detector when two teenagers line up to walk through. The first walks through. It doesn’t alarm and he gets excited. Then the second boy walks through…)

Me: “Okay, walk through.”

(The teenager walks through timidly then stops and stares at me.)

Me: “You’re good to go.”

(He then looks at his arms in astonishment.)

Teenager: “Wow, I’m surprised these guns didn’t set it off!”

Your 911 Is Not A 2-For-1

| Stamford, CT, USA | Transportation

(A customer walks into the security office with a parking ticket in her hand.)

Customer: “I got this parking ticket even though I paid the meter. The meter still had time on it!”

Security Officer: “Ma’am, would you mind if I see the ticket?”

(The customer hands the ticket to the security officer and he reviews the ticket.)

Security Officer: “Ma’am, it says here you were issued the ticket because you were parked in two spaces.”

Customer: “Of course I parked in two spaces. I didn’t want anyone parking next to me and scratching my Porsche!”

Articulated Truck Drivers Aren’t Articulate

| Massachusetts, USA | Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

(A truck driver walks up to desk and stares at wall behind me.)

Me: “Can…I help you?”

Driver: “Yeaaaaa…” *waits ten seconds, looks behind him, looks back at me, waits another 5 seconds* “I don’t have my shipment numbers.”

Me: “Well, where are they?”

Driver: “They’re in the truck.”

Me: “They’re in the truck?”

Driver: “Yup.”

Me: “So you left the truck with the numbers inside, walked all the way through the property, and up to my desk to tell me you left the numbers in the truck?”

Driver: “Yeaaaaaaa.” *stares at the wall again*

Me: “You want to go get them?”

Driver: “Get what?”

Me: “Are you filming this?”


| Chicago, IL, USA | Uncategorized

(On the Saturday night of a weekend-long fan-based media convention, we hold a dance for the attendees. A mother comes up to the security office and voices a complaint.)

Mother: “The music is too loud and it’s running too late. I want it shut down.”

Me: “Ma’am, our dance is scheduled until 5:00AM, and we are not disturbing any other events.”

Mother: “Well, there are kids are in there and if this thing is for kids, then there should not be a dance!”

Me: “Yes, this convention is an all-ages event, but the dance is one of our most popular events and we have no intention of shutting it down.”

Mother: “Well, I’m the customer and I’m always right! You should do what I say and shut the dance down! Where is your supervisor? I’ll get him over to shut the dance down.”

Chairman: “Ma’am, what is the problem?”

Mother: “I want you to shut the dance down! There are kids here and they should not be in a dance at this time of night! And this man is not helping. Make him shut the dance down!”

Chairman: “The dance is one of our biggest events. Closing it down would disappoint thousands of our attendees who look forward to it each year.”


Me: “Ma’am, raising your voice will not help your case. Please calm down.”

(I figure that there is something else going on, and offer her a seat and a glass of water. She sits down calms down a bit.)

Me: “Is there something else going on?”

Mother: “My daughter sneaked out of our hotel room and I know she’s in the dance. I went in there and I couldn’t find her.”

Me: “Is that all? So you wanted us to shut the entire dance down, just to get your daughter out?”

Mother: *timidly* “Yes…”

Me: “Did you actually think that we would do it?”

Mother: “Yes…”

Me: “Why?”

Mother: “Because I always get my way!”

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