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    Readin’, Ritin’, And Retrievin’

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Good morning, you have reached [high school]. How can I help you?”

    Parent: “My son left his cell phone at the convenience store three blocks over. Can you go get it?”

    Makeup Quiz For A Madeup Flu

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, School

    (A student who has missed class and calls me a day later to explain her absence.)

    Student: “I need to take the quiz I missed yesterday.”

    Me: “Remember, quizzes cannot be made up.”

    Student: “I missed class yesterday because my son is sick.”

    Little voice in the background: “Momma, I’m sick?”

    A Whole New Grade Of Stupidity

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

    (An online math student is calling to complain about her grade. Her assignment was submitted three days late.)

    Me: “The assignment was late by three days. The 30% late penalty cost you 18 points.”

    Caller: “But it’s not right. 30% of 60 is not 18.”

    Me: “Yes, it is. Think of it as three times six.”

    Caller: *counting in a low voice* “Yeah, I guess it is. But the late penalty shouldn’t apply to me.”

    Me: “Why is that?”

    Caller: “Because I submitted the assignment BEFORE you graded it.”

    Apparently Bad Parenting, Part 2

    | Houston, TX, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I need to pick up my daughter. She’s in the eighth grade.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. The eighth graders are testing right now and they’ve only been testing for about forty five minutes. I don’t think she’s done.”

    Customer: “But we have a plane to catch!”

    Me: “Well, why didn’t you just not send her to school? I mean, what time is your flight?”

    Customer: “8:45!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that was thirty minutes ago. I don’t think you’re making it anyways.”

    Customer: “But it’s central time zone!”

    Me: “We’re in the central time zone, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Don’t correct me! I don’t care if she fails. I just don’t want to lose my dignity!”

    Related:
    Apparently Bad Parenting

    Not Just For Kicks

    | New York, USA | Uncategorized

    (I am an instructor at a Chinese Martial Arts school. An American teenager comes in.)

    Boy: “So, do you teach all kinds of Chinese martial arts here?”

    Me: “Yes, courses are mainly in Chinese, but we can translate for you. There are quite a few Americans that learn here. What are you interested in?”

    (He names several fake martial arts from novels made into television.)

    Me: “Um… you’re joking, right?”

    Boy: “Oh, do you not teach those?”

    Me: “You’re serious?”

    Boy: “Oh yeah, I love watching them on TV and I want to learn it myself!”

    Me: “You know they’re not real martial arts right? It’s all made up in the stories.”

    Boy: “You just don’t want to teach a foreigner, do you?”

    Me: “No, it isn’t real. None of us here know them.”

    Boy: “Oh, I’ll go somewhere else.”

    Me: “No one can teach those. They’re fake.”

    Boy: “Oh I get it. You think it’s fake because you don’t know it yourself. I guess the manuals are lost and someone needs to find them. Don’t worry, I’ll be that person!”

    (The boy leaves and comes back a minute later.)

    Boy: “Hey, could I have a look at all your weapons?”

    Me: “Why?”

    Boy: “Maybe the manuals are hidden in them. At least please show me your swords and sabers. Just clash them together.” (He’s referring to a plot in one of those novels.)

    Me: *understanding that reference* “It was already recovered long ago in the Yuan dynasty, remember? They’re empty now.”

    Boy: “Oh, sure, now I’m going to find the new hiding place. Thanks for your time!”

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