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    This Apple Fell Far From Its Tree

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Top

    (I am working at an elementary school for gifted children. We have a horseshoe shaped parking lot where parents picked up their kids. At the end of the day it’s my job to stand at the exit of the one way and direct people 10 feet to my right to the correct entrance. A woman coming to pick up her child tries to enter the wrong way. I step in front of her car. She steps on the gas and gets close enough to hit my bright orange flag that says “stop”.)

    Woman: “What the h*** are you doing? I need to pick up my daughter! Why aren’t you letting me pick up my daughter?”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is a one way. You need to back out and go the correct way.”

    Woman: “You’re kidnapping my daughter! I’m going to call the police! Let me in to see my daughter!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I assure you, we are not keeping you from your daughter. All you need to do is back up and drive a few feet to the entrance. You are trying to go the wrong way down a one way.”

    Woman: “Well, how am I supposed to know which way is the right way?”

    Me: “Ma’am, even if I weren’t here to tell you, there’s a sign right behind me that says ‘Do Not Enter’.”

    Woman: “Well, I shouldn’t be expected to read street signs!”

    Guess Their Dog Wasn’t Hungry

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (I send homework home with my students every week. Sometimes it’s pretty obvious that their parents “help” them by doing it for them.)

    Student: “My mom doesn’t know how to do this.”

    Me: “No, but you do.”

    Student: “Oh.” *turns and walks away*

    (The next day, his work was completed.)

    Readin’, Ritin’, And Retrievin’

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    Me: “Good morning, you have reached [high school]. How can I help you?”

    Parent: “My son left his cell phone at the convenience store three blocks over. Can you go get it?”

    Makeup Quiz For A Madeup Flu

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, School

    (A student who has missed class and calls me a day later to explain her absence.)

    Student: “I need to take the quiz I missed yesterday.”

    Me: “Remember, quizzes cannot be made up.”

    Student: “I missed class yesterday because my son is sick.”

    Little voice in the background: “Momma, I’m sick?”

    A Whole New Grade Of Stupidity

    | Atlanta, GA, USA |

    (An online math student is calling to complain about her grade. Her assignment was submitted three days late.)

    Me: “The assignment was late by three days. The 30% late penalty cost you 18 points.”

    Caller: “But it’s not right. 30% of 60 is not 18.”

    Me: “Yes, it is. Think of it as three times six.”

    Caller: *counting in a low voice* “Yeah, I guess it is. But the late penalty shouldn’t apply to me.”

    Me: “Why is that?”

    Caller: “Because I submitted the assignment BEFORE you graded it.”

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