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  • One Person’s Smash Is Another Person’s Treasure

    | Oklahoma, USA | Food & Drink

    Customer: “Do you have guacamole here?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Because I asked for guacamole at [competition], and they gave me this smooshy baby-poo green stuff!”

    Old Habits Die Hard

    | Tennessee, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [sandwich shop]. Is this for here or to go?”

    Customer: “It’s to go. What do you have that is good?”

    Me: “Well, it’s all good. Do want hot or cold food?”

    Customer: “I guess cold. Do you sell things other than sandwiches?”

    Me: “Yes, we have salads, too.”

    Customer: “Great, I am so tired of sandwiches! That is all I have eaten all week.”

    Me: “What would you like?”

    Customer: “I guess I will take a regular size roast beef sandwich.”

    Does Your Sandwich Measure Up

    | Canada | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (I am a 19 year old female worker in a sub shop. A 20-something customer comes in with his girlfriend.)

    Customer: “So, you work at [sandwich shop]?”

    Me: “Yea? Why?”

    Customer: “So, you know how to handle a foot long eh?”

    Me: “Yes, yes I do.”

    Customer: “Oh, good, so you can handle me, eh?”

    Me: *playing along* “I doubt you’re a footlong but, yeah, I guess.”

    Customer’s girlfriend, to customer: “See! Even she knows you have a huge ego.”

    (His girlfriend goes on to order a 6 inch sub. I make it and hand it to her.)

    Customer’s girlfriend, to customer: “Well, this is more like it, eh, babe?”

    Half A Sandwich For Half A Brain

    | Yorktown, IN, USA | Food & Drink

    (I work in a sandwich shop where you can purchase a foot-long or six-inch sandwich. Two women walk into my shop.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Woman #1: “We want half a sandwich, each.”

    Me: “Okay, I can help you with that today. What kind of bread would you like?”

    Woman #2: “Wheat, but we only want half of it, each.”

    Me: “That’s no problem. Six-inch sandwiches are very common. Now, what kind of–”

    Woman #1: “No! We want half of that!”

    Me: “Uh, okay, so you want three inches, each?”

    (The women both look at each other and nod. I cut a six-inch piece and hold it up.)

    Me: “Okay, just so we can clarify before I cut it, I’m cutting this piece in half and you want half of it, each. If you like, I can just charge you for one six-inch since you’re getting the same kind of sandwich.”

    Woman #1: “Alright, that’s good. Thanks for the offer.”

    (I start cutting the bread into three-inch pieces.)

    Woman#1: “What are you doing?!”

    Me: *startled* “Well, I’m giving you your three-inch sandwiches.”

    Woman #2: “No! We wanted one of those each!” *points at the other half*

    Me: “So, you each want a six-inch sandwich?”

    Woman #2: “No! We want half a six-inch!”

    Me: “Ma’am, our regular sandwich is twelve inches. The one you just pointed at is six-inches.”

    Woman #1: “I don’t care for your measurements! Just give us what we want!”

    Me: “You want a six-inch then.”

    Woman #2: “No! We want half!”

    (This goes on for about 10 more minutes. They end up getting a six-inch each and then demanding that I give them the deal I’d offered. In the end, they both paid full price, mumbling about my incompetence.)

    I Say Potato, You Say Something Obscene

    | Port Clinton, OH, USA |

    (A customer has ordered two beef subs.)

    Me: “What veggies would you like on the first one?”

    Customer: “Pickles, onions, tomatoes, and h*** penis.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, pickles, onions, tomatoes, and what now?”

    Customer: “H*** penis. And mustard.”

    Me: “Okay. You said jalapenos, right?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Alright, then.”

    (I put everything else on, then ask if I’ve missed anything.)

    Customer: “The h*** penis.”

    Me: “Jalapenos?”

    Customer: “No.”

    (I point at the jalapenos.)

    Me: “These?”

    Customer: “Yes! God! I only said it, like, three times!”

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