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    I Say Potato, You Say Something Obscene

    | Port Clinton, OH, USA |

    (A customer has ordered two beef subs.)

    Me: “What veggies would you like on the first one?”

    Customer: “Pickles, onions, tomatoes, and h*** penis.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, pickles, onions, tomatoes, and what now?”

    Customer: “H*** penis. And mustard.”

    Me: “Okay. You said jalapenos, right?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Alright, then.”

    (I put everything else on, then ask if I’ve missed anything.)

    Customer: “The h*** penis.”

    Me: “Jalapenos?”

    Customer: “No.”

    (I point at the jalapenos.)

    Me: “These?”

    Customer: “Yes! God! I only said it, like, three times!”

    Have Mouth, Will Shovel

    , | Kannapolis, NC, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “What can I get you today?”

    Customer: “I’ll have the grinder.”

    Me: “Okay, what would you like on it?”

    Customer: “Whatever is on a grinder.”

    Me: “Ma’am, a grinder is just another name for a sandwich–just like hoagie or sub. I need to know what you would like on it.”

    Customer: “How should I know what’s on a grinder? The old place had a grinder. I ordered a grinder, and they gave me a grinder!”

    Me: “So, you don’t know what kind of meat or cheese you would like?”

    Customer: “Whatever is on a grinder! They made a grinder, and they put the right stuff on it! How would I know what I eat?!”

    Our Sandwiches Are Canine Benign

    | Brewer, ME, USA | Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    Customer: “What is in your turkey melt?”

    Me: “Turkey and cheese, and any veggies you like.”

    Customer: “What other meats?”

    Me: “Turkey.”

    Customer: “And…”

    Me: “Dog?”

    (The customer still ordered the turkey melt, but watched very closely to make sure dog wasn’t part of the menu.)

    Best Keep A Lid On Acts That Stupid

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (A customer comes in, clearly inebriated, and orders a chili. We get it for him, he sits down but a couple of minutes later he comes back up to the counter.)

    Customer: “I think my chili is still frozen.”

    Me: “Are you sure? It should be quite hot.”

    Customer: “I’ll show you.”

    (He gets the chili and attempts to put his spoon in it.)

    Me: “Sir, the lid is still on.”

    One Scamwich, Coming Right Up, Part 2

    | Ontario, Canada | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (I’m supervising on a Sunday afternoon, our slowest day of the week. We’ve only been open a couple hours and have only made maybe 4 or 5 sandwiches. A customer calls in with a complaint.)

    Caller: “Excuse me, I ordered a sandwich from you this morning and it is just terrible! You toasted it too much and it just fell apart when I bit into it!”

    Me: “Well that’s odd, sir. If a sandwich was toasted too long it would normally burn long before it would dry out like that. What did you order?”

    Caller: “Chicken.”

    Me: “I can’t find your order in the system. Could you tell me what time you were here?”

    Caller: “This morning sometime.”

    Me: “We weren’t open this morning, sir. We open at noon on Sundays.”

    Caller: “Well, maybe it was after noon then.”

    Me: “Okay, well I’ve been here all day and I don’t recall serving a chicken sandwich to a gentleman today.”

    Caller: “It was my wife who came in.”

    Me: “I’m looking through today’s orders on the computer, and I haven’t served any chicken sandwich today. Are you sure you came to this location?”

    Caller: “Yes. And it was last night. I talked to the manager and he said you’d give me a free sandwich today.”

    Me: “I was the manager last night too, sir.”

    Caller: “You’re not going to give me a free sandwich, are you?”

    Me: “No, sir. I’m not.”

    Caller: “Okay, then.” *hangs up*

    Related:
    One Scamwich, Coming Right Up


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