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    Half A Sandwich For Half A Brain

    | Yorktown, IN, USA | Food & Drink

    (I work in a sandwich shop where you can purchase a foot-long or six-inch sandwich. Two women walk into my shop.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Woman #1: “We want half a sandwich, each.”

    Me: “Okay, I can help you with that today. What kind of bread would you like?”

    Woman #2: “Wheat, but we only want half of it, each.”

    Me: “That’s no problem. Six-inch sandwiches are very common. Now, what kind of–”

    Woman #1: “No! We want half of that!”

    Me: “Uh, okay, so you want three inches, each?”

    (The women both look at each other and nod. I cut a six-inch piece and hold it up.)

    Me: “Okay, just so we can clarify before I cut it, I’m cutting this piece in half and you want half of it, each. If you like, I can just charge you for one six-inch since you’re getting the same kind of sandwich.”

    Woman #1: “Alright, that’s good. Thanks for the offer.”

    (I start cutting the bread into three-inch pieces.)

    Woman#1: “What are you doing?!”

    Me: *startled* “Well, I’m giving you your three-inch sandwiches.”

    Woman #2: “No! We wanted one of those each!” *points at the other half*

    Me: “So, you each want a six-inch sandwich?”

    Woman #2: “No! We want half a six-inch!”

    Me: “Ma’am, our regular sandwich is twelve inches. The one you just pointed at is six-inches.”

    Woman #1: “I don’t care for your measurements! Just give us what we want!”

    Me: “You want a six-inch then.”

    Woman #2: “No! We want half!”

    (This goes on for about 10 more minutes. They end up getting a six-inch each and then demanding that I give them the deal I’d offered. In the end, they both paid full price, mumbling about my incompetence.)

    I Say Potato, You Say Something Obscene

    | Port Clinton, OH, USA |

    (A customer has ordered two beef subs.)

    Me: “What veggies would you like on the first one?”

    Customer: “Pickles, onions, tomatoes, and h*** penis.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, pickles, onions, tomatoes, and what now?”

    Customer: “H*** penis. And mustard.”

    Me: “Okay. You said jalapenos, right?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Alright, then.”

    (I put everything else on, then ask if I’ve missed anything.)

    Customer: “The h*** penis.”

    Me: “Jalapenos?”

    Customer: “No.”

    (I point at the jalapenos.)

    Me: “These?”

    Customer: “Yes! God! I only said it, like, three times!”

    Have Mouth, Will Shovel

    , | Kannapolis, NC, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “What can I get you today?”

    Customer: “I’ll have the grinder.”

    Me: “Okay, what would you like on it?”

    Customer: “Whatever is on a grinder.”

    Me: “Ma’am, a grinder is just another name for a sandwich–just like hoagie or sub. I need to know what you would like on it.”

    Customer: “How should I know what’s on a grinder? The old place had a grinder. I ordered a grinder, and they gave me a grinder!”

    Me: “So, you don’t know what kind of meat or cheese you would like?”

    Customer: “Whatever is on a grinder! They made a grinder, and they put the right stuff on it! How would I know what I eat?!”

    Our Sandwiches Are Canine Benign

    | Brewer, ME, USA | Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    Customer: “What is in your turkey melt?”

    Me: “Turkey and cheese, and any veggies you like.”

    Customer: “What other meats?”

    Me: “Turkey.”

    Customer: “And…”

    Me: “Dog?”

    (The customer still ordered the turkey melt, but watched very closely to make sure dog wasn’t part of the menu.)

    Best Keep A Lid On Acts That Stupid

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (A customer comes in, clearly inebriated, and orders a chili. We get it for him, he sits down but a couple of minutes later he comes back up to the counter.)

    Customer: “I think my chili is still frozen.”

    Me: “Are you sure? It should be quite hot.”

    Customer: “I’ll show you.”

    (He gets the chili and attempts to put his spoon in it.)

    Me: “Sir, the lid is still on.”

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