You’re My Number One Problem

| MI, USA | Home Improvement, Pets & Animals, Top

(I overhear the following conversation between a resident and the manager of our building. The resident is notorious for being a nuisance, and for letting his yippy little rat of a dog relieve herself everywhere, both in his apartment, and in common areas.)

Resident: “The carpet in my apartment needs to be cleaned. It smells awful!”

Manager: “Maintenance deep cleaned it a month ago; it’s really smelling again?”

Resident: “Yes! It’s disgusting. You need to find staff who know how to clean things properly. I’m paying far too much to live in a smelly apartment.”

Manager: “The last time the carpet was cleaned, maintenance reported that the smell appeared to come from dozens of urine stains. Perhaps if your dog were to stop urinating on the carpet, the smell wouldn’t come back.”

Resident: “What!? My precious little [cutesy dog name] is housebroken, and I walk her several times a day! How dare you blame her? You people have been trying to get rid of her for years, and I won’t stand for it!”

Manager: “Oh, I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have made that assumption about [cutesy dog name]. Perhaps if YOU stop peeing on the carpet, the smell won’t return.”

Caribbean There, Done That

| London, England, UK | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Geography

(I’m a volunteer lunch-server in a nursing home, but I’ve spent the last month working in the south of France. I’ve picked up a slight tan, but usually my skin is as white as it gets. One lady stares at me oddly as I bring her her food.)

Lady: “Where are you from?”

Me: “From here, ma’am. I live a few roads away.”

Lady: “No, I mean where were you born?”

Me: “Finchley, originally, but I moved—”

Lady: “No, no, no. Where are you from?”

Me: “Uh. London, ma’am. Britain.”

Lady: “And your parents?”

Me: “Also from London.”

Lady: *squints at me* “No, you’re lying. There’s no shame in being Jamaican, you know. You can tell me.”

Me: “I… What?”

Lawless And Clueless

| FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Transportation

(I work as a receptionist at a retirement home.)

Resident #1: “I want you to call the police right away.”

Me: “Um. May I ask why?”

Resident #1: “I called for a taxi and it still isn’t here. I want the police to arrest the driver.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry about your wait but I don’t think the police should be involved with something like that.”

Resident #1: “I don’t care. I’m a very important person. I have connections. Call the police.”

Me: “Why don’t I call the taxi company to see where it is? I mean, it’s not like the driver can break traffic laws just to pick you up.”

Resident #1: “I am above the law. With one word I can get this whole company shut down. I can—”

Resident #2: *slowly walks up to desk with walker* “Is that your taxi outside?”

Resident #1: “Ah, yes. Goodbye.”

Resident #2: *waits until the first resident leaves* “What a b****.”

George Foreman Would Not Be Happy

| Jacksonville, FL, USA | Food & Drink

Me: “Good afternoon. What can I get for you?”

Resident: “I will have a grilled cheese without the bread.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Our grilled cheese only comes on bread.”

Resident: “Well, I don’t like bread. Your menu says I can have a grilled cheese, and I want it without bread!”

Me: “Okay, I will be right back with that.”

(I walk into the kitchen, and tell the cook the request. She puts two slices of cheese on a plate, and microwaves it. I then take it out to the resident.)

Me: “Here you go.”

Resident: “What is this? This isn’t a grilled cheese. Where are the grill marks?”

Shout Until You’re Bleu In The Face

| Newberg, OR, USA | Uncategorized

(I work in the dining room at a retirement home. I’m offering an elderly woman soup.)

Me: “Hi there, Susie! Would you like some soup tonight?”

Elderly Woman: “What?”

Me: *raising my voice* “Would you like some SOUP?”

Elderly Woman: “WHAT?”

Me: *I put mouth right by her ear and basically yell at her* “DO YOU WANT SOUP?”

Elderly Woman: “Why are you speaking French?”

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