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    Deranged Exchange

    | Miami, FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Themed Giveaway

    (I work at an electronic cigarette store in a popular local mall. I have just returned from a month-long vacation. I’m counting inventory when a customer approaches.)

    Customer: “I bought this from you two weeks ago.”

    Me: “From me personally, sir? I’ve been on vacation for the last month, but I’d be happy to help yo—”

    Customer: “Yes. I’m sure it was you. The product isn’t working.”

    Me: “Can I take a look? Often times it’s a quick fix.”

    Customer: “No. I’d just like to exchange it.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your receipt?”

    Customer: “No. Just give me a new one.”

    Me: “Sure. Let me see if I can diagnose the problem and perhaps you can keep the one you have after all. If not I’ll be happy to replace it.”

    Customer: “I didn’t bring it with me.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Well? Are you going to exchange it?”

    Me: “Unfortunately I’m unable to process an exchange without you giving me the product back.”

    Customer: “Just give me another one for free!”

    Me: “Sir, as I stated, I unfortunately cannot give you a new product for free without receiving the old one from you.”

    Customer: “Fine. In that case I’d like to return it.”

    Me: “Again, sir. I cannot give you back your money if you do not have the product to return to me.”

    Customer: “NOBODY TOLD ME THAT! THEY SAID I COULD COME BACK AND RETURN IT WITHIN TWO WEEKS, AND IT’S BEEN TWO WEEKS!”

    Me: *remaining calm* “So, let me get this straight: you want to return your product and get your money back, but you don’t have the actual product to ‘return’ to me?”

    Customer: “YES! WHY IS THIS SO F****** DIFFICULT?! GIVE ME MY MONEY OR I’LL KICK YOUR A**!”

    (The man pushes me. I am a bit shocked that this has escalated so quickly but I keep my composure.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but that will not be possible.”

    Customer: “YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF LIARS AND CHEATS! I WILL CALL THE POLICE!”

    Me: “I would be happy to provide you with the number of the local police department if you’d like. Then when they get here you can explain to them how you assaulted me and threatened to ‘kick my a**’ when I very nicely explained that I cannot process a return for an item that you are not actually returning.”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “So, would you like that number? Or I can call if that would be more convenient for you, sir.”

    Customer: “Well… F*** you!” *storms off*

    Me: *yelling to the customer as he leaves* “You have a pleasant evening, too, sir!”

    My Unfair Lady

    | Pasadena, MD, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Rude & Risque

    (I work in an adult-themed shop. A female customer has just walked up to make a purchase.)

    Me: “Hello. How are you today?”

    Customer: *grumbles*

    Me: “Okay… Did you find everything?”

    Customer: *grumbles*

    (I take this as my hint to stop trying to be helpful and just get this over with as soon as possible.)

    Me: “All right. Your total is [price].”

    Customer: *handing me money* “You really should be ashamed of yourself, you know.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “You must not be a proper lady, working in a place like this. Shameful!”

    Me: “You mean me working here, trying to make a living and keep my bills down, is shameful compared to you walking in my store to buy smut and hooker clothes, then acting very rude towards me?”

    (The customer turns bright red, pays, and leaves.)

    R-Word Is R-Rated

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Bigotry

    (My coworker also happens to be my very best friend. He is severely disfigured, but sweet and very talented at carving. However, because of his appearance, our manager keeps him working in the back room most of the time. One day our manager is out sick and has left me in charge. My best friend comes out of the back room to bring me some inventory. A customer sees him.)

    Customer: “Oh, dear!” *to me* “Bless you, dear.”

    Me: “Um, thank you?”

    Customer: “For hiring someone like that poor boy!”

    (She is speaking as though my friend isn’t standing right beside me. He looks hurt, and I try to hurry the customer along.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with, ma’am?”

    Customer: “People like you really are a blessing, dear. Even the retarded need jobs in this country. I would never employ one, but I certainly respect those who do.”

    Me: “Um, ma’am, could you please not say that word?”

    Customer: “What, retarded? But it’s what he is.”

    Me: “No, he isn’t. I’m going to have to ask you to leave, please.”

    Customer: “But look at him! He’s obviously retarded, dear. You don’t have to lie. He can’t understand you.”

    (At this point, I am very angry and my friend looks near tears.)

    Me: “Ma’am, he is not mentally impaired, and he understands every word that we’re exchanging. It’s not difficult to grasp that you’re an enormous bigot, either. Please leave the store.”

    (The customer starts to leave in a huff, but pauses to admire some hand-carved birds at the front of the store.)

    Me: “By the way, he made those.”

    (The customer glares at me and storms out.)

    Cut Cut-Throat

    | Fresno, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Family & Kids

    (I am processing a layaway for a customer. She is a bit rude with me but I proceed with a smile. The customer has multiple items in her cart.)

    Me: “Hi. Were you thinking of putting in a layaway today, or were you going to place a final payment on a previous layaway?”

    Customer #1: *rudely* “I have about 20 items in my cart. Does it look like I am going to make a final payment?”

    Me: “Oh, I apologize. I was not sure if you were finished shopping.”

    Customer #1: “Well, I am.”

    Me: “Okay. Have you done a layaway with us before?”

    Customer #1: “Yes, I sure have.”

    Me: “May I have your number please?”

    Customer #1: *tells her number*

    (While she is telling her number, another customer comes up to the side.)

    Customer #2: “Hey, are my items still here?”

    Me: “Sure are. Just let me know when you are ready and I will come help you out.”

    Customer #1: “Excuse me, but I will have my layaway processed first. You do not have to be rude and cut in front of me like I am invisible!”

    Customer #2: “Oh, no. I am sorry. I was making sure my stuff was still there.”

    Customer #1: “Well, move!”

    (Customer #2 walks away in shock.)

    Customer #1: “Geez! Some people think they can just cut!”

    Me: “I am sorry, but that was my mother.”

    Not Being A Pawn In His Game

    | Halifax, NS, Canada | Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (A customer with a thick accent comes in and places a cell-phone on the counter, which immediately begins leaking water.)

    Customer: “I want new phone.”

    Me: “Oh?”

    Customer: “This one not working.”

    Me: “Why is it wet?”

    Customer: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “You don’t know?”

    Customer: “May have been dropped in toilet.”

    Me: “The warranty doesn’t cover water damage.”

    Customer: “I want new phone. This one not working.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t replace your phone. If you look at the warranty details we gave you when you bought it, you’ll see that.”

    Customer: “I have large friend. Knows kickboxing!”

    Me: “Are you threatening me?”

    Customer: “No, no! I no threaten!”

    Me: “Well, I have a friend who plays chess. I don’t see how either is relevant to the conversation.”

    (The customer grabs his phone and storms out.)


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