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  • Keeps Coming Back For More For Less

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A customer comes up to my register with a cart full of various sizes of picture frames.)

    Me: “Hello! Did you find everything?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    (She just stands there, not taking anything out of her cart, just looking at me.)

    Me: “Good! You can go on and put those smaller frames up here on the counter. And I’ll just need you to lift up the large ones so that I can reach the barcode on the bottom.”

    Customer: “You have to scan them?”

    Me: “Yep! If you are wanting to buy them, that is!”

    (I smile and laugh my hollow ‘customer laugh.’)

    Customer: “Oh, I thought… I didn’t know the scanning was necessary.”

    Me: “It’s how our registers know what you’re buying and charge you the correct amount. So you can just hand those small frames to me, and I’ll scan those, then we’ll get to the big ones. The small ones I can also wrap and bag for you.”

    Customer: “You mean I have to help you?”

    Me: “Well, that is the fastest way to check out. If you cannot lift them, though, I can come around and get them.”

    Customer: “I just don’t understand any of this…”

    (I give up and just take everything out of her cart myself, as a line is forming.)

    Customer: “What are you doing?! I have never had such rude service.”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you want to buy these, I have to ring them up. That’s all I’m doing.”

    Customer: “Whatever. Okay, these are all 40% off.”

    Me: “Yes, you’re right. Their sale prices are just up here on the screen. And with that sale, your total comes to [total].”

    Customer: “I don’t believe that’s the sale price.”

    Me: *internal sigh* “Well, see, for example, this frame was originally [price]. When you take 40% off of that price, it comes to [total], as displayed on the screen.”

    Customer: “Fine, whatever. I’ll double check the math when I get home. And I want to use a coupon.”

    Me: “Okay, sure! I just need to scan the barcode on it. Do you have a printed coupon or is it on your phone?”

    Customer: “What? I don’t understand.”

    Me: “I need the coupon to scan it, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Why? Just take the amount off. I’d like a 30% one, please.”

    Me: “I cannot apply a discount, then, ma’am. We have to scan the coupon for you to receive the discount. If you wish to come back tomorrow with the coupon and get a price adjustment, though, we can certainly do that for you. But the only available coupon for your purchases is a 10% one.”

    Customer: “Oh, I guess I’ll come back in. That’s poor service, though.”

    Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. Now how will you be paying?”

    (As she runs her credit card through the card reader, I start wrapping her frames in paper to protect them.)

    Customer: “What are you doing?! You’re hurting them!”

    Me: “I’m wrapping paper around them to protect them from scratching one another.”

    Customer: “No, no, no, stop!” *she throws them in her cart with a crash*

    Me: “Okay, you just need to sign this receipt for me and you’re all done.”

    Customer: “No. I don’t sign things.”

    Me: *using my stern ‘mom voice’* “Then your transaction is not complete and you cannot leave with these items.”

    (She stares at me for a while and finally gives in with a huff. She leaves, muttering about poor service. Everyone in line behind her is wide-eyed with confusion, and the next few customers comment on how it seems like she’s never been in a store before. Then she reappears with her husband, holding one of the larger frames).

    Customer: “I’d like to trade this frame for another. It has scratches.”

    (I definitely gave her a quick, evil stare, but the frame is question is very easily scratched and it’s our policy to let customers trade them out.)

    Me: “Okay, sure. If you want to just leave that one up here, you can go on back and pick another one. If you pick a different style, we’ll have to run an exchange through the system.”

    (She leaves her frame and husband with me. It’s now 10 minutes to close, and we have a long line of customers. Her husband stands in front of my till browsing a magazine).

    Me: “Sir, if you will step to the end of my register here, I will check out a few of these other guests. We need to be closing soon, so I need to help everyone get out of the store. When your wife returns, I’ll do whatever needs to be done to process her frame.”

    (He throws his hands up in disgust and makes an exasperated noise, but doesn’t move.)

    Customer #2: *barreling up with a cart* “Outta my way. You aren’t doing a d*** thing!

    (She shoves her cart into him until he moves. I don’t say anything, because I’m too annoyed and trying not to laugh.)

    Customer #2: *to me* “There you go, love. What’s wrong with him? He a zombie?”

    (I ring up five guests before the original customer finally returns. Luckily, she’s got the same type of frame as the one she purchased, so I’m allowed to let her take it without doing anything in the register system.)

    Me: “Okay, awesome. Looks like that is exactly the same type of frame, so you can just take that and go! We don’t need to do anything else!”

    Customer: “What? You’re trying to make me steal!”

    Me: “What…? No, no I’m not. You’re leaving with essentially the same item as you brought back, minus a small scratch. I promise, it’s fine. Thank you, and have a good night!”

    (She and her husband stand there a minute complaining about me, then go stand in front of the automatic sliding doors, which slide open for them. They don’t move, talk, anything. They just stand there).

    Customer: “HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF YOUR D*** STORE?!”

    (Everyone in the area just stares, shocked. I have had it, so I just turn around and call up the next customer to my register.)

    Customer #3: “Never have I so enjoyed waiting in line at this store! What a show! It was like an SNL skit or something! I’m gonna write to the Pope, tell him you should be sainted. You acted so pleasant the whole time, with just the perfect touch of ‘rage boiling under the surface.’”

    (The original customers must have figured a way out of the OPEN DOOR THAT THEY HAD ALREADY USED THREE TIMES, because we didn’t find them inside after we closed!)

    Not Like A Kid In A Candy Store

    | Lafayette, LA, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (The candy store I work in is located in the mall, so it’s pretty common to hear young children excitedly realizing that there’s a candy store. Today is really no different, so I simply chuckle when I hear a young boy start shouting.)

    Boy: “Look! It’s the candy store! Candy store!”

    (However, what he says next is a bit unusual.)

    Boy: “And it’s all free, too!”

    (Shocked, I rush to intercept the boy before he can actually get into the store, as we have bins right by the door which are easy for children to get into.)

    Boy: “Free candy! Free candy! Free candy!”

    Me: *alarmed* “Nothing is free! Nothing is free!

    (The boy freezes in his tracks, just barely inside the store, and stares at me as though I’d just told him he was never getting another birthday present for the rest of his life.)

    Boy: *betrayed* “NONE of it?!”

    Me: “None of it!”

    (He stared at me for a moment, then turned around and slowly trudged off. I’m just glad I was able to stop him!)

    Going To Go Over Like A Lead Balloon

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Family & Kids

    (I am at a sale in a store when I hear this exchange:)

    Customer #1: *to Customer #2′s young son* “Aww, look, you’ve got a balloon!”

    Customer #2: “Yeah, I stole it from a display.”

    Banking On The Go(ing)

    | Fairbanks, AK, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body

    (While shopping I need to use the restroom, after going in I hear the following conversation:)

    Other Occupant: “Yeah, I’d like to know why my bank charged me this amount. Huh? Hold on sweetie. I can’t hear you.” *puts phone on speaker* “What was that?”

    Poor Customer Service Agent: “I need your account number ,ma’am, before I can look up anything.”

    Other Occupant: “Oh, sure, it’s [number].”

    Poor Customer Service Agent: “Okay, that charge was an excess transfer fee.”

    Other Occupant: “Hold on.”

    (The other occupant flushes the toilet.)

    Other Occupant: *walking past* “So what is an excess transfer fee?”

    Poor Customer Service Agent: “Um…”

    (The worst part? She didn’t wash her hands as she left.)

    Trying To Pull A Shady Deal

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Math & Science

    (I work at company that sells stone to go on houses. All of the stone is outside, and our location is surrounded by trees.)

    Customer: “All of this is the same rock?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. Everything in this row is the same material.”

    Customer: “Why is this side so much darker?! You said it was the same!”

    Me: “…ma’am, that side is in the shade.”

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