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    Shoplifted And Uplifted

    | Washington, DC, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    (Our store is small, but popular, so my boss schedules me a 12-hour day on Black Friday, with the intention to have me work the floor, but keep an eye out for shoplifters. I see a man take a watch out of a case, put it in his left hand, put his glove over the watch, then his fast food drink cup over that.)

    Me: *to customer I am assisting* “Would you excuse me a moment?” *to shoplifter* “Would you like me to take that watch and hold it behind the counter for you?”

    Shoplifter: “What watch?”

    Me: “The one in your left hand, sir. I can hold it behind the counter while you continue your shopping. If you’ll just give me the watch and your name, I’ll make sure it’s on hold for you.”

    Shoplifter: “I don’t have any watch in my left hand!”

    Me: “Sir, I saw you put your glove and drink cup over the watch. Would you like me to hold it behind the counter for you?”

    (My boss has watched the entire exchange.)

    Boss: “Sir, I can call security if I need to.”

    (The shoplifter takes the cup and glove off the watch, hands it to me, and walks away.)

    Customer: “Wow, that’s the nicest theft prevention I’ve EVER seen!”

    Staring At The Sign For Hours

    | VIC, Australia | Extra Stupid, Theme Of The Month

    (I had recently moved my store to a new location and had not yet advertised the new phone number, when a customer calls with a question.)

    Caller: “Hi, I just wanted to know what times you’re open.”

    Me: “Certainly.”

    (As I tell him which days I’m open and the hours, naturally, I’m curious as to how he got my phone number and ask him about this.)

    Caller: “Oh, I was looking through the window and wrote down the number from the sign on the front door.”

    Me: “You mean at the bottom of the sign listing my business hours?”

    Not Acting Like Adults

    | Tacoma, WA, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m working at a popular adult store. It is five minutes before closing. Two girls come in, and they appear to have been drinking.)

    Customer #1: “Are you still open?”

    Me: “Well, we close in about five minutes, but I’d be happy to help you find what you’re looking for.”

    Customer #2: “Oh-em-gee. I want my first vibrator!”

    Me: “Okay. Well, we have a lot of good choices.”

    (I try to show her the products. She proceeds to grab them out of my hands and hit her friend with them. Even though I’m not embarrassed by the products, I find this behavior pretty inappropriate. She is clearly not listening to anything I’m saying.)

    Me: “You know what? It’s getting late, and I really think that you’ll want more time to make your decision. This is the hours we are open, and in fact, I will be here opening in the morning. You will have a lot more time to decide then.”

    Customer #1: “Let’s just go. It’s getting late.”

    Customer #2: “No, I want a vibrator!”

    Customer #1: *pulling her out of the store, to me* “I’m really sorry about this. Have a good night.”

    Coworker: “Man, I know we’re not supposed to kick people out of the store and stay open, but thank you for getting them out of here!”

    Pot Calling The Kettle Black… Eventually

    | San Diego, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Time

    (I’m helping a customer who is picking up an Internet order. One of the items was damaged so he’s trying to decide if he wants to take it or return it. Another customer comes in line and is waiting no more than 60 seconds.)

    Customer: “Excuse me! Can you just do my return since this guy is obviously not ready?!”

    (I look at the customer I’m helping and he nods at me to go ahead and help her.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. Let me help you over here.”

    Customer: “Good, I’m in a hurry and some people just want to take their time when others are ready to go! Now, let me just find my receipt.”

    (She spent the next three minutes digging through her purse and a crazy stack of receipts. Glad her time is more important than everyone else’s.)

    One Of The Bugbears Of The Service Industry

    | Joplin, MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body, Movies & TV, Pets & Animals

    (I am working at a chain movie store. A young couple come in with two large cardboard boxes full of DVDs to sell back to us. I start the buy-back. I check about 10 DVDs for disk quality with no problem but when I open the next one, cockroaches literally explode out of it and all over me. Naturally, I scream, hurl the DVD away, and proceed to shake and twitch for five minutes. Once I get myself together I put the DVDs back in the box and call the customers back up.)

    Me: “I’m sorry. I cannot complete your buy-back at this time. I found some cockroaches in one of the cases and don’t feel comfortable working with them. If you’d like to check over them yourselves I’d be glad to look at them when you bring them back.”

    Young Woman: “You found what?”

    Me: “Cockroaches.”

    Young Woman: “Well, they’ve been sitting in a garage for months.”

    Me: “If you go through them at home and bring them back I’ll be glad to help you then. But not today.”

    Young Woman: “Okay. So, are you going to do the buy-back now?”

    Me: “…no.”

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