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    Ignoring The Elephant In The Room

    | Corning, NY, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

    (I’m a cashier at a local store. A man and a boy about seven walk in.)

    Me: “Did you know you have a sticker of an elephant on your back?”

    Customer #1: “Yeah, my son here put something on my back a moment ago before walking in. I thought it was one of those ‘kick me’ signs.”

    Me: *laughing* “Nope, just an elephant.”

    (Overhearing, another customer walks over:)

    Customer #2: “Maybe it’s opening its mouth.”

    (Customer #1 gets a very confused look on his face and very slowly turns around, obviously trying to understand what Customer #2 meant, as was I.)

    Customer #2: “What?”

    (Pauses.)

    Customer #2: “You know, to say ‘kick me?'”

    H2-Slow, Part 7

    | MA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I work at a well known children’s clothing store. It is Christmas Eve. A woman picks up a rain jacket and walks up to ask me a question.)

    Customer: “Is this water resistant?”

    Me: “It’s a raincoat.”

    Customer: “Yes, but is it water resistant?”

    Me: “Well, it’s a raincoat so it’s kind of meant to be worn when there’s water.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see; it’s a raincoat… So, is it water resistant?”

    Related:
    H2Slow, Part 6
    H2Slow, Part 5
    H2Slow, Part 4

    Didn’t Make New Calendar Year Resolution

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests

    (I am the manager for a seasonal kiosk at my city’s mall. I’ve been out sick for the last couple of days with a plethora of very unpleasant infections, and though I am no longer contagious, thanks to my medication, I am still in a lot of pain. It’s the day before Christmas Eve when I get a phone call from one of my employees.)

    Employee: “We’ve got a gentleman who isn’t happy with our return policy and wants to talk to a manager.”

    Me: “Okay, put him on the phone.”

    Employee: “Sir, if you would like to talk to my boss, she’s—”

    Customer: *in the background* “I want to talk to her in person.”

    Employee: “Sir, my boss is sick. She can’t—”

    Customer: “In person!”

    (The customer continues to insist that he will only talk to the manager in person. After he is informed that I am sick and that I live 45 minutes away from the store, he says he will wait for me to come in and that he will not leave my employee to do her job until he has spoken to a manager in person. I drive to the mall to talk to him, though thankfully by now security guards have relocated him to the mall management office.)

    Me: “Hello, sir. I’m the manager for [Kiosk]. What can I do for you today?”

    Customer: “Your return policy is crap. I want to return this calendar and get my money back but your employee won’t let me.”

    (He holds up a calendar that has already been opened.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but our return policy states that we cannot do refunds on opened merchandise.”

    Customer: “It’s a store policy! You’re the store manager! You can let me return it.”

    Me: “I can’t do that. It’s a corporate policy.”

    Customer: “I want my money back!”

    (He shoves the calendar at me; I see that it is one of our $8 sale calendars; most of our products are $15. I also see that not only is it open, he has also written on some of the squares for January.)

    Me: “…You’ve already written on this.”

    Customer: “I’m not happy with my purchase! I want my money back!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but corporate’s return policy will not allow me to issue a cash refund for opened merchandise that has been written on. If you would like to take this up with corporate, I can get you our corporate customer service number.”

    Customer: “No! You WILL give me my money back RIGHT NOW.”

    (He then proceeds to start swearing. Having had more than enough of this, I turn to leave, and he actually makes a grab for me! One of the security guards intercepts him before he can touch me.)

    Security Guard: “Oh, no, you don’t.”

    Customer: “This isn’t fair! I want my money back! The customer is always right! You were supposed to back down after I yelled at you in person!”

    (He kept this up while one of the other security guards called the cops. As he was still going at it when they arrived, the cops ended up arresting him… all over an $8 calendar. Merry Christmas, jerk.)

    Laptop Flop, Part 7

    | Sacramento, CA USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (Because we are an office supply store, many identity thieves and money launderers try to buy laptops from us because they assume we’ll be less vigilant than some other, more popular electronics stores. On this day, a customer we’ve seen many times before, who always uses questionable payment methods – like cards with important info scratched off, expiration dates that don’t match, etc. – comes in. Somehow he thinks we won’t recognize him, despite the fact that he comes in every two weeks. As always, he heads straight for the cooler, to buy an orange soda – which is the same thing he’s always done every time he’s come in. According to policy, we can’t refuse a customer service even if we know he’s been trying to scam us.)

    Coworker: “Oh, hey, [Customer]! Good to see you again!”

    Customer: “Hey! I— what? I’ve never been in here before!”

    Me: “You really like that orange soda, don’t you? You get one every time you’re here! I have to admit, it IS pretty good.”

    (The customer grabs a bag of chips, too, you know, because that will throw us off!)

    Me: “What brings you in today?”

    Customer: “I wanna buy a laptop. Just give me the cheapest laptop you have.”

    (Honest customers browse the selection, ask questions about features, and pick a laptop that will work for the tasks they have planned for it. Not this guy! But I decide I’m not going to play the game of pulling a laptop from lockup, dealing with this guy’s fraudulent card, or watch him try to make a grab for the items we’re keeping behind the counter.)

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. We’re out of that one. It’s on sale this week, so it’s pretty popular.”

    Customer: “Well, then how about the next cheapest one?”

    Me: “Let me check.”

    (I wander around the store for a minute, and then come back up.)

    Me: “Well, we had one of those, but it got returned because it’s damaged. I can’t sell it.”

    Customer: “Well… how about [Brand]? Just give me any laptop you have! I don’t care what it is. Just give me one. It’s for my little brother for school.”

    Me: “Yeah, you know? All these models are being cleared out for next year’s models. It doesn’t look like we have ANY in stock! But, hey! I’m pretty sure by the time you come back next week, we’ll have some. Did you want to leave us your name and phone so we can call you when we have more in stock?”

    Customer: “Err, no. I’ll go somewhere else.”

    (He tried to play it cool and leave the store, but we saw he had someone idling in the parking lot right outside the door. We were able to get a license plate number, make, and model, to report to the police. We bet he was going to try to make a grab for the laptop and run with it. But once he realized we all knew his face, he stopped coming in. Thank goodness!)

    Related:
    Laptop Flop, Part 6
    Laptop Flop, Part 5
    Laptop Flop, Part 4

    Gave Them A Rude Awakening

    | USA | Awesome Workers, Crazy Requests

    (I work in the parts department of a tractor dealership. The wife of a local greenhouse owner (who I am unaware has a reputation as a real b****) comes in to pick up some small parts that are in will-call. The transaction goes smoothly; the parts are already pulled and on the shelf waiting for her. I give her the parts, she pays, and leaves. On Monday morning, the lady calls on the phone and demands to talk to the owner.)

    Owner: “Good morning! How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want to complain about how I was treated when I came in on Saturday to get my parts! [My Name] was rude to me!”

    (The owner knows I had worked the previous Saturday, and I have a reputation for being courteous and polite. He puts the customer on hold, and calls me into his office to ask me about the encounter. I describe the smooth transaction that had occurred. He asks me to wait and went back to the call.)

    Owner: “[My Name] was rude to you? I have trouble believing that.”

    Customer: “Yes, he was discourteous and rude.”

    Owner: “I’ll tell you what, Mrs. [Customer]. There are two other dealers in town that you can buy your parts from in the future. Frankly, the $300 in parts we sell you yearly isn’t worth all the grief you give me. In the future, please take your business elsewhere.” *hangs up, turns to me and says* “That’s how we deal with that.”

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