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    M-ad Women

    | Denver, CO, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

    (My store has ads in magazines that run monthly. Typically, they bring us quite a bit of business. I get a phone call about it.)

    Customer: “I want you to stop sending these magazines!”

    Me: “Ma’am, this company does not send out independent ads. Are you referring to a magazine?”

    Customer: “Yes and you need to stop sending it!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we have no control over who is on the list for the magazines. If you wish to cancel your subscriptions to one of the magazines we advertise in, you will have to contact the magazine company itself.”

    Customer: “I contacted YOU! I am so sick of getting these every month!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we are just a company featured in the magazine. We have no control over your subscription.”

    Customer: “Are you stupid? Just stop sending me the magazine!”

    Me: “Ma’am, who do you think you have called?”

    Customer: “[Name Of My Store].”

    Me: “Yes, that is us. What is the name of the magazine?”

    Customer: “[Name Of Magazine].”

    Me: “So, we are the company that has an ad. We are not the same company that makes the magazine, as you can see from the very different names. I am unsure as to why you have contacted us. On the back page of the magazine, there will be a number of the correct company to contact for this.”

    Customer: “Oh my God! Just stop sending them!”

    Me: “Ma’am, once again, this is not the magazine company nor do we have any control over what they do. You have to call them. Not us. You can call every ad in that book, but no one will be able to help you unless you call the magazine company itself.”

    Customer: “You are useless! Tell your boss to stop sending them!” *click*

    (One month later I get a phone call:)

    Customer: “WHY ARE YOU STILL SENDING ME MAGAZINES? I CANCELLED!”

    Me: “Ma’am, as I told you then and I am going to tell you now, this is my store, not the magazine.”

    Customer: “Cancel the d*** magazine!”

    Me: “We are still not the magazine company!”

    Customer: “You useless idiot! What do I have to do in order to get you to do your job? Stop. Sending. The. Magazine. To. Me.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, I have tried my best to be polite and nice to you. I cannot dumb this down any further. We are a retail store. We run an ad in that magazine. For some reason, you have it in your head that a random ad in a magazine is the right number to call to end the magazine subscription. It is not. It is simply not. The only way to cancel the subscription is to call the people who actually make the magazine, instead of harassing ads that have no control or contact with the magazine except to send in new ads once a month. Now, open the magazine, find the number listed for the magazine and please stop calling here and harassing me. There is not a single logical reason that calling us would end a magazine subscription.”

    Customer: “How dare you!”

    Me: “Call the magazine. Not us.” *hangs up*

    (Five minutes later:)

    Customer: “I want to talk to your boss!”

    Me: “I am the boss. Call the magazine company. Now please, leave us alone and figure out how ads and magazines work. I checked the magazine myself and our ad is on page six. There is no reason that a magazine company would put their number in the middle of their magazine. Their number is on the back. Call that number.”

    Customer: “I should sue you! End my subscription or I WILL sue.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you cannot sue because you are harassing someone else. You also cannot sue someone who has told you who to get the service you want for a month straight. We sell home supplies, as you can tell by our ad and by the name of our store. I will ask once more: call the company you actually want and leave us alone.”

    Customer: “Will you end my subscription if I stop calling?”

    Me: *facepalm*

    (I learned her number and posted next to every phone that no one is allowed to answer it. She called for two more months and finally the calls stopped. I think she finally got it.)

    Sew Inappropriate

    | UK, USA | Bigotry, Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal

    (I am in a fabric store looking at fabric for a friend’s Halloween costume, when an old lady enters and immediately comes over to me and stares for several minutes. I ignore her. She leaves, and I see her peeking around a corner at me several times. After a few minutes a policeman comes up to me.)

    Policeman: “Can we take your name and address, sir?”

    Me: “Okay, it’s [Address]. What’s up?”

    Policeman: “We had a report that a gentleman matching your description was disrupting business here. Would you mind leaving?”

    Me: “I just need to pay for my products.”

    (At this point an assistant comes over and vouches for me. The police talk with the assistant. Suddenly the old lady comes barreling back.)

    Old Lady: “Men should not be allowed to sew! If you were one of mine, I’d take you across my knee! This is pure sexism!” *she then slaps me* “There! Now learn your lesson and stop your evil ways.”

    Policeman: *right behind her* “Ahem. Madam, would you mind stepping into the car?”

    A Common-Sense Vacuum

    | GA, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid

    (I am working at a big box retail store that has circulars in the Sunday papers. I don’t work at the customer service desk, but, just happen to be there when the phone rings.)

    Me: “[Location], [Store Name].”

    Caller: “Yes, I was calling about the vacuum cleaner on the front page of your circular. Is it really 40% off?”

    Me: “Let me get that in front of me.”

    (I find a circular and see that the 40% off is for the clearance apparel shown just above the picture of the vacuum cleaner.)

    Me: “No Ma’am, that 40% off is for clearance apparel.”

    Caller: “So, that doesn’t include the vacuum cleaner?”

    (As a manager walks by the desk, I say…)

    Me: “No, Ma’am, vacuum cleaners are not apparel.”

    (My manager stops, gives me a strange look, laughs, shakes his head, and, walks away.)

    Not Even Remotely Thinking

    | Ruidoso, NM, USA | Extra Stupid, Geography, Tourists/Travel

    (I work for a small shop in town. We get a few tourist high points a year. It’s a mountain town with a population of about 8,000. It’s only 20 minutes away from another town and about 45 minutes from a larger city.)

    Customer: “How do you people live out here?”

    Me: “What? What do you mean?”

    Customer: “It’s so… remote.”

    Me: “Oh, well, we have everything we need here. Also, there is larger city about 45 minutes away if we need something that we cannot find here. Besides, it’s beautiful here.”

    Customer: “But… do you have electricity?”

    Me: *looks at all the lights in the store, the electronic cash register and the neon sign outside, the lamp posts outside and the traffic lights* “Yes… yes, we do.”

    Customer: “What about plumbing?”

    Me: “Yes…”

    Customer: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Positive?”

    Customer: “What about [popular and huge hotel]? Do they have lights and toilets?”

    Me: “Yes… everywhere here does. Literally, everywhere.”

    Customer: “But… it’s so remote. How do they get the lights here?”

    Me: “….wires and light poles?”

    Customer: “But where do the wires come from?”

    Me: “The nearest power station?”

    Customer: “What about water?”

    Me: “Pipes, and it would come from the nearest water treatment plant, which we have here.”

    Customer: “I just don’t understand you people at all.”

    Me: “Well, enjoy your stay…”

    Customer: “Do the people here have cars?”

    Me: “Have you seen cars since you have been here?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “There you go.”

    Not A People Person

    | KS, USA | Bad Behavior, Language & Words

    (I work at a popular retail chain where a new assistant manager is focusing on getting the store and its associates to adhere more strongly to its policies. A customer comes to my computer to pick up an order he had sent from site to store.)

    Me: “Alright… looks like it’s here. I just need to get in touch with electronics so they can bring it up.”

    Customer: “…it’s not here?”

    Me: “It is! We just don’t have room to keep all the site-to-store items at the service desk, so we keep them in the backroom, where electronics brings it up since they’re the closest department to where it’s being kept.”

    Customer: “Whatever.”

    (My manager and I are furiously attempting to bring down the lines at the service desk. I have called up electronics and they are looking for the site-to-store customer’s item. About a minute passes after that call before the customer comes storming back up to the desk. He approaches the manager this time.)

    Customer: “Okay, what the f***?! My item should be here! Why isn’t it up here! What the F*** is going on!?”

    Manager: “You can leave the store.”

    Customer: “What about my ITEM, huh? I paid for that!”

    Manager: “I’ll refund it to you, and then you can just leave. We ARE people, you know.”

    Customer: *calms down, then looks at the ground* “…I only cussed a few times.”

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