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May Theme Of The Month: Movie Mayhem!

Makes You Wish You Could Crawl Into A Sleeping Bag And Die

| Cambridge, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Crazy Requests

(I’m working a full day in a well-known camping shop. Due to thefts, we always have to have at least one staff member on the ground floor at all times. My manager has just called me down so she can go down to the footwear department and deal with a return. I’m alone on the shop floor, when a man comes down the stairs, looking irritated.)

Customer: “Excuse me, young lady, but NONE of your sleeping bags have any kind of information or prices on them!”

Me: “Oh, yes, I am sorry, sir. The new display tags came in today, and the prices are act—”

Customer: “I don’t want your excuses! I want you to fix it!”

Me: “I can’t currently leave this floor, sir, but the tags that headquarters sent us are actually wrong, so we can’t put them on the display.”

Customer: “Well, what are you going to do about it?”

Me: “If you tell me what you were interested in, I can look on the system and give you more information about it?”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t want to BUY one! Just fix it!”

She Has A Dream Of Video Piracy

| Knoxville, TN, USA | Crazy Requests, Movies & TV

(I am working the phone at a well-known retail chain when what sounds like an elderly female customer calls.)

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Store]. How may I direct your call?”

Customer: “Hello, dear, I’m not sure who I need to talk to. I was hoping you might have that new Martin Luther King movie in.”

(At this point, the customer starts rambling, which is a fairly regular occurrence. Thinking she’s asking about a documentary, I’m waiting for her to take a breather so that I can transfer to electronics so they can check for the film. Just as I get an opportunity, I register something she’s said.)

Me: “Ma’am, did you just say that Oprah is in it?”

Customer: “That’s right. Oprah Winfrey and Cuba Gooding, Jr. I’m not sure who else.”

Me: “Ma’am, I just realized I know what movie you’re talking about; I saw the trailer a couple of days ago. I’m afraid it won’t be out in theaters until January.”

Customer: “Oh, I know. It’s just that I don’t really like going to the theater. It’s so expensive and smells weird and people can be so rude. That’s why I was hoping to get the DVD.”

Me: “Ah, sorry, ma’am, but the DVD version won’t be released until at least a few months after the movie opens in theaters, so I know for a fact that we don’t have that DVD in yet.”

Customer: “Oh, really? That’s too bad… Do you think you might get it by Christmas?”

666 Error

| Bluffton, SC, USA | Religion, Technology, Theme Of The Month

Customer: “I’d like to return this laptop computer.”

Me: “Okay, do you have your original receipt?”

(The customer produces the receipt.)

Me: “Ma’am, this computer was purchased six months ago. It is outside of our return policy. Is there something wrong with it, that we might be able to fix at [Repair Center]?”

Customer: “My computer is possessed by the devil and I need to return it. Jesus told me I need to return it.”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Customer: *getting frantic* “I was on my computer during that storm last week and after a loud lightning strike Jesus appeared before me and told me that my computer is possessed by the devil and I needed to return it immediately. Please, you need to take this computer from me. It’s possessed!”

(At this point my coworkers at customer service are starting to stare, along with other customers in line.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but your computer is outside return policy. I can’t take it back. I can have [Repair Center] take a look at it and maybe we can figure out what the problem is—”

Customer: “NO! They can’t fix it; it’s possessed! I need to return it and get it out of my house! I don’t want the devil in my house! PLEASE, you must take it!”

(At this point, the manager and loss prevention person had come over to escort this lady out of the store. As she was being led out, she tried to cast some sort of voodoo spell on the staff. A supposedly Christian lady tried to cast a voodoo curse on us because we wouldn’t return her possessed computer. She left it and never came back for it.)

Totally Free From Thought, Part 3

| Australia | Extra Stupid, Money

Me: “Hi, how may I help you today?”

Customer: “Oh, yes, I’d just like to have these, please.”

(I scan both items for her.)

Me: “That just comes to [total]. Did you have [Store points card]?”

Customer: “Hang on, this should be free.”

(The customer is pointing to the second item she had purchased. It’s a spare bottle for the blender she has purchased. The part of the box she’s pointing to says BPA free.)

Me: “Ma’am, BPA free doesn’t mean the item is for free. It’s letting you know the chemical BPA wasn’t used in any plastic that could potentially contaminate your food.”

Customer: “But it says free. That’s false advertising.”

(Needless to say she decided not to buy the spare bottle.)

Related:
Totally Free From Thought, Part 2
Totally Free From Thought

On A Preaching (Hard) Drive

, | UT, USA | Religion, Technology, Theme Of The Month

(This occurs in northern Utah in a city where the majority religion is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (a.k.a.: “Mormons”), to which I belong, but this is a big enough city that Christian churches were quite common. A couple approaches me about buying a computer.)

Me: “So, what do you need the computer to do for you?”

Customer: “I need to make some presentations.”

Me: “What kind? Business proposals? Slide shows? Videos?”

Customer: “Well, I’m a preacher, and I need something to make presentations and project them onto the wall for my congregation so they can have some visual aids during my sermons.”

Me: “Got it. Let me show you a few things.”

(We discussed specs, capabilities, accessories, security software, productivity software, and we’re just getting to the service contract options when the conversation takes an abrupt turn.)

Customer: “I just need to be sure it’s going to last a while. I have a small congregation right now, and we don’t have a lot of money. You see, I used to go to [Non-Denominational Christian Church] west of [City], but I didn’t like the pastor there, always lording over the people with what he thought was his authority and power. So I did some studying and started my own church.”

Me: “…I see. And you want to make sure the people coming to worship with you understand the important parts of your sermons.”

Customer: “Yes. PowerPoint will help.”

Me: “I’m sure it could. Now—”

Customer: “Do you have a church?”

Me: “Well, I don’t HAVE a church, but I go to one.”

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, good. It’s always nice to meet another Christian.”

Customer: “What church do you go to?”

(I state my religion and mention which building in town I usually attend services. I’m about to steer him back to the service contract conversation when his whole posture changes. His face turns a little red, his back stiffens, his hands curl as if about to form fists, and his eyes widen.)

Customer: “You’re Mormon! Oh, Heaven help you! I preach the apostolic gospel of Paul as is written in The Bible. I left [Non-Denominational Christian Church] because [Pastor] refused to preach that gospel. Jesus declared that anyone who should preach anything other than the gospel of Paul will be cursed! That’s why I only preach from The Bible, and I only preach the apostolic gospel of Paul. You Mormons don’t even believe in The Bible!”

Me: “Actually, we do, but I try not to discuss my religion at work. Now, would you be interest—”

Customer: “No, you DON’T! You don’t even believe in Jesus! If you don’t give up your wickedness and become Christian and be saved, your soul will be destined for Hell. It is my duty, as a Christian and as a preacher and as a follower of Paul, to save your SOUL!”

Me: “I’m quite happy with my faith, thank you. Now, if you’ll look at this flyer, you’ll see we have a variety of pricing options for the service contracts, if you want to get one, and—”

Customer: “Here! Take my card! Come to my church! Save yourself! Let me save you!”

(His wife clears her throat and interrupts to tell me which service contract they might be interested in but that they need some time to think about the whole purchase. She thanks me for my time and turns to go.)

Customer: “It’s not too late! We meet in my living room every Sunday at 10:00 and every Wednesday at 7:00. Please come! Uh… Do you have a spec sheet for that second model?”

(I send him on his way. I notice a few other customers staring at me and at the two customers as if we are some gory train-wreck spectacle. I turn to the one who has been waiting the longest.)

Me: “Sir, are you here to save souls or to save money on a computer?”

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