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  • Customer Service To Swear By

    | Bay Area, CA, USA | Family & Kids, Language & Words, Movies & TV

    (My husband and I work at the same small store. This day he is helping a woman and her five- or six-year-old son while I am wiping down a counter nearby.)

    Son: “[Name] watches adult movies.”

    Husband: “Oh?!”

    Customer: *quickly* “He means his cousin watches movies rated PG-13 or R.”

    Husband: *laughs*

    Son: “They have bad words in them.”

    Husband: “Yeah, I don’t like bad words. They hurt my head and my heart, and make angels cry!”

    (I had to bite the inside of my lip, and had to avoid looking at my husband to keep from laughing. My husband is a former member of the Navy, and still swears like a sailor!)

    Putting The Poop Into Party Pooper

    | Fresno, CA, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids

    (I work in a kind of crazy knick-knack store. We have some odd things and our pen holder is a piece of fake poop. I’m finishing up a lady with her purchase. She’s paid with a card so I ask her to sign.)

    Customer: “GIVE ME ANOTHER PEN! That is disgusting and I’m not using it!”

    (I hand her a different pen she signs.)

    Customer: “Tell the supervisor that I’m not amused and that is completely inappropriate and disgusting!”

    Me: “I will pass along the message. Have a nice day.”

    (Her grandson turns to me:)

    Grandson: “Don’t worry. She’s a party pooper! Party pooper!”

    No Gratitude Attitude

    | UK | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Technology

    (I work at a sporting goods store. I go and check the changing rooms when I notice a smartphone sitting on the bench. I pick up the phone, figuring someone had set it down and forgotten it, and take it into the manager’s office. Ten minutes later, a customer comes up to me whilst I’m at the till.)

    Customer: “I left my phone in the changing room just now and I went back in and it’s gone. Have you seen anyone walk out with it?”

    (I know straight away the phone he’s on about, but need to play dumb so that he can identify it before I hand it to him.)

    Me: “I’ll check with the manager and see if it’s been left with us, sir. Would you be able to describe it to me so I know what to look for?”

    Customer: “It’s a white [Smartphone] and it’s in a green case. If you press the menu button the lock screen shows a Star Wars background.”

    (I go back into the office and pick up the phone, checking the background and sure enough, it’s a Star Wars one. I take it back out to the customer who snatches it from my hand.)

    Customer: “So you were planning on stealing it, then?”

    Me: *taken aback* “Steal it? No, sir, I found it in the changing room earlier and no-one was in the immediate area. I took it to the manager’s office to make sure no-one else picked it up and took it.”

    Customer: “I saw you go in there just after I came out and put it in your pocket. You were going to steal it and sell it, weren’t you?”

    Me: “Actually, sir, I’m quite offended by that. I would never consider stealing another’s property. I put it in my pocket so no-one else would try to collar me for it and claim it as theirs on my way to the office.”

    Customer: “I don’t believe you. I’d like to speak to your manager, please.”

    (I phone the manager who saw the whole thing on the office CCTV. She comes out to the till area.)

    Customer: “I think you need to reconsider who you hire to work in your store. This boy here just tried to steal my phone from the changing rooms. Lord knows what else he’s stolen from under your nose whilst he’s been here.”

    Manager: “Actually, sir, I saw the whole thing on the CCTV monitor I have in my office. He was routinely checking the changing rooms when he noticed your phone, unguarded, on the bench, and bought it straight to me to ensure no-one else would have the opportunity to take it instead. I also saw you leave the changing room a good ten minutes beforehand; you’re lucky the phone wasn’t taken by someone else in that time.”

    (The customer turns to me one last time before he leaves.)

    Customer: “If I find so much as ONE SCRATCH on this phone, you’re paying to have it repaired.”

    (The customer storms off and out of the store.)

    Manager: “I love the gratitude we get in retail when we help people who forget their stuff and make sure it isn’t stolen. You’re due your break anyway. Go and kick a bin or something whilst you’re at it.”

    Ignoring The Elephant In The Room

    | Corning, NY, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

    (I’m a cashier at a local store. A man and a boy about seven walk in.)

    Me: “Did you know you have a sticker of an elephant on your back?”

    Customer #1: “Yeah, my son here put something on my back a moment ago before walking in. I thought it was one of those ‘kick me’ signs.”

    Me: *laughing* “Nope, just an elephant.”

    (Overhearing, another customer walks over:)

    Customer #2: “Maybe it’s opening its mouth.”

    (Customer #1 gets a very confused look on his face and very slowly turns around, obviously trying to understand what Customer #2 meant, as was I.)

    Customer #2: “What?”


    Customer #2: “You know, to say ‘kick me?'”

    H2-Slow, Part 7

    | MA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I work at a well known children’s clothing store. It is Christmas Eve. A woman picks up a rain jacket and walks up to ask me a question.)

    Customer: “Is this water resistant?”

    Me: “It’s a raincoat.”

    Customer: “Yes, but is it water resistant?”

    Me: “Well, it’s a raincoat so it’s kind of meant to be worn when there’s water.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see; it’s a raincoat… So, is it water resistant?”

    H2Slow, Part 6
    H2Slow, Part 5
    H2Slow, Part 4

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