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    Very Green With The Green Fingers

    | Leeds, England, UK | Extra Stupid

    (I work in a garden centre for a major DIY retailer.)

    Customer: *in a posh accent* “Excuse me, do you sell reverse osmosis water…”

    Me: “N—”

    Customer: “Or distilled water?”

    Me: “No, sorry, we don’t. What do you want it for?”

    Customer: “Well, I have a house plant and I have read that they do not like tap water.”

    Me: “That’s right; they prefer rain water. You could just harvest that.”

    Customer: “How would I do that?!”

    Me: *stifling a face/palm* “Well… we have water butts over there, buckets on aisle [number], or you could even use one of those pots you’re holding in your hand.”

    Customer: “Oh, great, can you direct me to the compost for my house plant?”

    Me: “Of course, come this way… What kind of house plant do you have?”

    Customer: “One with lots of leaves.”

    The Strife Of A Housewife

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Spouses & Partners, Technology

    (I’m a customer shopping for fridges. I find one I like and go to find an employee to purchase the fridge. The only employee who handles fridges is talking to another customer.)

    Customer: “So, this fridge… keeps things… cold?” *he asks very skeptical*

    Employee: “Yes, sir, the general point of all fridges are to keep things cold.”

    Customer: “No. My wife and I used to have a fridge that cooks things.”

    (Not only is the employee just stunned by this statement, but everyone around who hears this pulls a face.)

    Employee: “A fridge… that cooks things?”

    Customer: “Yes, you put stuff like vegetables, milk, and chicken in it. And when you take the chicken or vegetables out they’re all cooked.”

    Employee: “So they’re all cooked and ready to eat right now?”

    Customer: “No! What do you think I’m dumb or something?”

    Employee: “No, I’m just trying to find the particular item you’re looking for… So, you put in raw chicken and veggies and it cooks them automatically?”

    Customer: “Yes. Put them in raw, and then they come out cooked.” *explains as if the employee is slow*

    Employee: “Does it cook the milk as well?”

    Customer: “NO! That would be dumb. It would just spoil instantly. It just keeps the drinks cool.”

    Employee: “Hmmm, I can’t seem to think of the item you’re looking for. Let me get someone a bit more knowledgeable.”

    (Hearing this, I come to realize that apparently there are other employees I could ask for help, but at this point I’m really curious as to what this man is talking about. The employee shortly returns with an older employee.)

    Old Employee: “So you put in raw food and it comes out cooked right?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Old Employee: “Okay… and when you put in drinks or milk it keeps them cold right?”

    Customer: “Yes.” *looks at younger employee* “See, he clearly knows what I’m talking about.”

    Old Employee: “So, out of curiosity, when your wife takes out the cooked food… did you by chance re-heat it?”

    Customer: “Well, duh…”

    Old Employee: “Duh what, sir?”

    Customer: “Of course she had to heat it up. The fridge kept it cold like it was suppose too. DUH!”

    (It is at this moment where the customer’s wife has come to re-join her husband after looking at other appliances.)

    Customer’s Wife: “So, did you have any luck finding a new fridge, hun?”

    Customer: “No… I tried to find one that cooks like our old one but they don’t have it.”

    Customer’s Wife: “A fridge that… cooks?”

    Customer: “Yeah, just like our old one. You know, you put the chicken in raw and you take it back out later before dinner and it’s all cooked. Just like last night.”

    Customer’s Wife: “Hunny… I cooked that chicken and put it back in the fridge. Fridges don’t cook food. They just keep them cold.”

    Customer: *turns beet red in embarrassment as he finally realizes just how stupid of a moment he had* “Um, I think it’s time to leave.”

    (The husband left in a hurried walk, with his wife in tow saying, ‘But what about the fridge, Hunny? What about the fridge?’)

    The Wrong Supermarket For Super Hackers

    | Saranac Lake, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests

    (It is the early 1990s. It is my last week of work at the only department store in town and we are just rolling out the first UPC scanners in the store. This is new technology at the time and understandably sometimes things scanned wrong. After a third item rings up at the incorrect price:)

    Customer: “You are making things ring up wrong on purpose just so you can pocket the extra money!”

    Me: “Believe me, lady, if I knew how to hack the computer system here to change the prices I wouldn’t be working here!”

    Have No Stomach For Your Complaint

    | UK | Crazy Requests, Health & Body

    (I work for a large health food company; however our store happens to be very small.)

    Me: “Hello, what can I help you find today? ”

    Customer: “I am looking for 100mg pantothenic acid.”

    Me: “I’m afraid we don’t stock that here, but we do a 500mg if you’re interested?”

    Customer: *suddenly angry* “No! That upsets my stomach. Every other branch of this company I have ever been in stocks the 100mg. YOU should, too. The other one hurts my stomach and I have to cut it into quarters just to take it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like me to look it up on our system to find out if we can order it in?”

    (At this point we go over to the till and I search for her item. No results come up, meaning it is not a product that any of our stores stock. It doesn’t show up as a deleted line either, meaning in all likelihood we have never stocked it.)

    Me: “Oh, sorry but I’m afraid that isn’t an item the company stocks after all.”

    Customer: *irrationally angry* “I know I have bought it at your other store before! YOU need to phone your head office and YOU need to get them to stock this item HERE.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I have no say in what head office decides to stock. I can offer you a freepost feedback card if you’d like to suggest it to them?”

    Customer: “No! I don’t have time for that! I have things to do! YOU should do it! I don’t understand why whenever I come in here you don’t have the product I want!”

    Me: “Well, without you sending a feedback card it is very unlikely head office will ever know about this. They listen to the opinions of their customers, not their shop assistants, on matters like this.”

    Customer: “Well, YOU should stock it; I’ve bought it here before! And why is everything in this shop so expensive?!”

    (At this point my supervisor came over to help and as I went to serve another customer I overhear the end of their conversation. My colleague explains repeatedly that we don’t stock the product and that our prices are higher as the company spends a lot to train us to be knowledgeable on our products. She also points out that the product is water soluble, meaning any excess is excreted out in the urine so it shouldn’t be causing the customer any pain. Eventually she leaves.)

    Me: “How did it go?”

    Supervisor: “Kill me now.”

    (It turned out, after speaking to our manager, that she came in every few months to have an argument about our company and our pantothenic acid, claiming to not have time for a feedback card despite spending around half an hour of her time berating us for something beyond our control.)

    You’re Like Crazy Beautiful!

    | Wichita, KS, USA | Bizarre, Spouses & Partners

    (I work in an adult-themed store and it is my very first day after training. I am doing some cleaning after opening the store and my very first customer of the day comes in.)

    Customer: “Hey, I’m looking for something fun for my girlfriend.”

    Me: “Okay, well, we have a huge selection.”

    Customer: *as I’m explaining a toy to him, he interrupts me* “How can you work here and not want to f*** all the time? Oh, hey, do you, haha, test out all the stuff here during downtime?”

    Me: “Um. No. No.”

    (A while later, I’m ringing him up, thanking him, etc.)

    Customer: “I wanna buy you a vibrator. Can I buy you a vibrator?”

    Me: “No. I’m married.”

    (He leaves without incident, but a few hours later, he comes back, hands me a note, and leaves in a hurry. It said “My name’s [Name] and I think you’re really pretty. You should call or text me.”)

    Me: *to myself* “Gee, I thought this guy had a GIRLFRIEND!”

    (Over two months later during the Valentine’s Day rush, he comes back. He bought some stuff and left, but then came back a few hours later with his girlfriend!)

    Customer: “See, I told you she was pretty!”

    Me: “Um, thank you?”

    Girlfriend: “Oh, my god, yes; are you married?”

    Me: “Yes, I am. I’ve been married for a few years.”

    (The girlfriend picks out a wig, which disturbingly is the only one in the store that’s the same color as my hair…)

    Girlfriend: *turning to the woman behind her in the checkout line* “OMG, you’re gorgeous! Honey, just look at how beautiful this woman is!”

    (At this point, she starts telling everyone else in the store to look at how beautiful this woman is, so I ring her up as quickly as possible and say goodbye. The woman behind them steps up.)

    Woman: “The h*** was that?!”

    Me: “I don’t even know. They’re crazy; I’m so sorry about that!”

    Woman: “No, it’s okay, I just… I’m so confused! At least it was something nice she pointed out.”

    (The insane couple insisted they were there all the time… I haven’t seen them since.)