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    Think Before You Ink

    | ACT, Australia | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for plain black drawing ink. I want the best quality you have here.”

    Me: “Wonderful! We have [Good Brand] here, and we have it in plain black as well. These are the most popular inks we sell as they are of such good quality. Are you working on a project?”

    Customer: “Oh, well, kind of. I am going to give myself a tattoo tonight! This should do the trick.”

    (Shocked, and thankful to myself that I asked, I suddenly stop putting my thoughts together as to what to say next and just blurt out the first thing that falls out of my mouth out of feeling the urgency of the situation.)

    Me: “Yes, it should do the trick if you WANT TO DIE! THIS IS NOT TATTOO INK, MA’AM. It will KILL you, like DEAD, if you use it in your skin! Please DON’T use this for tattoos! It’s for art and craft projects only!”

    Customer: *taken aback and gasps* “Oh, my gosh! I had no idea! I just thought ink was ink! So glad you asked. You saved my life! Thank you!”

    (After explaining to her where she could look into purchasing tattoo ink and recommending she also look into the best tattoo artists in town, as well as carefully putting into less-stressed words about why you don’t use drawing inks for tattoos, she leaves, white as a ghost but very thankful.)

    Coworker: “And that just happened… Lucky you asked what the ink was for!”

    Some Employees Never Grow Up

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Bad Behavior, Books & Reading, Funny Names, Theme Of The Month

    (When employees forget their name tags we have temporary tags for them to write their name on and stick them to their shirts. One day I forget my tag, so I grab a temporary one and write ‘Smee’ as my name. I am called to assist an older couple with an issue at a register. After the issue is taken care of the conversation goes as follows:)

    Wife: “Smee? What kind of name is that?”

    Me: “Oh, it’s an old family name. Goes back many generations.”

    Wife:  ”Really? Is it European?”

    Me:  ”English, actually. It started with a famous relative.”

    Wife:  ”Oh, how famous?

    (The husband turns away and suppresses a laugh and smile.)

    Me: “Well I had a great, great, great, great, great uncle who sailed with a famous sea captain as his first mate.”

    Wife:  ”Really? What sea captain was that?”

    Me:  ”Oh, you know, Captain Hook!”

    (The husband cracks up.)

    Wife:  ”Oh, my. Wait. Who?”

    (At this point I got called away to another register. As I left the husband and the cashier were laughing and the wife was asking who Captain Hook is.)

    There Is No Calm Before The Storm

    | TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre

    (It is currently late at night, with a winter storm expected to come the following morning. I am running customer service when the phone rings and I answer it.)

    Me: “Hello, [Store] [Location] customer service desk. [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’d just like to let you know that tomorrow morning is going to horrible and that all of the young people won’t be coming in. However, all of the elderly people that work will be, because they are the ones who really need the money. Bye!”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Caller: *click*

    (I put the phone back on the receiver and relay the comment to a manager.)

    Manager: “Oh my God, it’s not even tomorrow yet and they are ALREADY complaining!”

    Planning Your Trip Is A Fine Art

    | Raleigh, NC, USA | Bizarre

    (I am working for an interior decorating company, and we are clearing out our inventory of framed art for the season. I load up the vehicle and hit a road full of office complexes to see if anyone wants the art wholesale for the office or home or whatnot. I come to a large office full of cubicles and some employees buy a few. The final person I talk to appears to be the head boss man of the company. I poke my head into his office.)

    Me: “Morning, sir.”

    (I wave.)

    Boss: “What do you want?”

    Me: “Well, this seems a bit random, but my company’s clearing out a bunch of nice framed art wholesale, and we were wondering if you’d like anything for your office or home?”

    (He looks at me VERY sternly for what seems like a whole minute of angry silence.)

    Boss: “What do you have that goes good with acid?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Boss: “You know; stuff that looks neat while you’re on acid.”

    Me: “Umm, we have some Van Gogh, Dali, and some new art from David Garibaldi.”

    Boss: “Bring em in!”

    (I go outside and haul in probably a dozen pieces of art and lay them along the wall in front of his desk so he can see them. Another painfully quiet moment goes by while he looks them over.)

    Boss: “I’ll take the whole lot! You take credit right?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. Would you like any of these hung up?”

    Boss: “Yeah, put that trippy-a** clock one over there.”

    (Possibly one of the more memorable customers in my two years with that company.)

    The Other Shoe Never Dropped

    , | Calgary, AB, Canada | Extra Stupid, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m at work in a store that exclusively sells shoes. Sometimes when people get unspecific about what they want, I like to joke with them about it.)

    Me: “Hi there! Were you searching for anything in particular today?”

    Customer: “Shoes.”

    Me: *dead-pan* “Sorry, we’re out of those.”

    Customer: “WHAT?”

    (The customer looks seriously angry and tries to storm out before I chase her down and tell her that we do, in fact, have some shoes left.)

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