A lady comes to my register with a pack of bottled water. It’s nothing fancy, just a twelve-pack of water bottles. The only remarkable thing about the bottles is that the plastic is blue.

Customer: “Is this real water?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “But it’s blue!”

Me: “Oh, that’s just the packaging! It’s just spring water in a blue bottle.”

Customer: “Well, last time I was here, I bought some water and it was fake! I don’t want fake water; I can’t drink it!”

I’ve worked at this store since it opened nearly seven years ago. We’ve always had this bottled water, and this brand only. The only difference is that the company changed the bottles to blue plastic from clear at least a year ago.

Me: “I’ve had that water. I promise you, it’s fine, honestly!”

Customer: “Okay, then.”

She purchases three twelve-packs and leaves.

Coworker: “Did she say fake water? How on earth do you make fake water?!”

Me: “Your total is $96.37.”

Customer: “But the total was $70 in my head!”

I go over her purchases with her to make sure everything rang up correctly; it did.

Customer: “But it was only $70 in my head!”

I go over the receipt with her again, adding everything out loud.

Customer: “I don’t understand why it’s so much; it was only $70 in my head!”

I pull out my phone calculator and calculate everything again one by one and add the tax. The calculator, of course, shows the same total as the register.

Customer: “But it was only $70 in my head!”

I just shrugged, as there was really nothing else I could do, and she left.

I have just arrived for my managing shift at the store where I work. My store manager and I go over a few details I need to know before she leaves for the day.

Store Manager: “Can you keep an eye on [New Hire]? I gave her a simple job of scanning for price tickets and she’s taken ages doing it. She’s a bit slow. I was hoping that all the tickets would have been put out before she goes home, but you’re going to have to do it.”

When I check on the new hire, I find that she has just finished scanning the section — two panels of small Christmas ornaments — and has sent it through to the office for printing.

New Hire: “Boy, that was a lot of work and took a long time. [Coworker] did her section really quickly; I hope I can get as fast as her one day.”

I reassure her that she will, with practice, and tell her it’s time to leave before heading to the office to print the tickets.

Store Manager: “I started the tickets for you. I’ll just grab a few things before I go. Can you come down and serve me once all the tickets are printed?”

I have to refill the ticket paper, just thinking that the manager didn’t add enough, and complete a couple of duties while waiting for it to complete. I am surprised at how many sheets have printed up, and then I notice that each item has up to a dozen copies of price tickets. I head to the service counter where the store manager is waiting to be checked out.

Store Manager: “There you are. I was just about to come find you. What took so long?”

Me: “This.”

I hold up the thick wad of paper.

Me: “What did you tell [New Hire] to do?”

Store Manager: “I just told her to scan every item for tickets. She was so slow at it.”

Me: “Well, that’s exactly what she did; she took you literally. You needed to say, ‘one of each design.’”

Store Manager: “She should have known that I meant one of every item.”

Me: “It’s exactly what she did: one of every item. How many times has she done tickets?”

Store Manager: “This was her first time, but she should have known what I meant. I’m going to have words with her; if she keeps up like this, she won’t last long.”

Me: “I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”

I had the chat, explaining how to ticket correctly just like I had done when I’d trained the [Store Manager] a few years before. I had been her senior but did not want the promotion and couldn’t see her sticking it out long. The new hire turned out to be one of our best workers. The store manager didn’t last long but I had already quit as I got sick of fixing her mistakes.

Customer: “I would like to return these shoes.”

After checking her receipt to make sure she’s still within the return period, I pull the shoes from the bag and begin inspecting them. The first thing I do is flip them over to check the soles, and I immediately see that the white soles are dirty.

Me: “I’m sorry, but these have been worn, so I can’t take them back.”

Customer: “But they hurt my feet.”

Me: “I understand that can be frustrating, but we can’t take them back since you wore them around.”

Cue a few rounds of the customer insisting I have to take them because they hurt her feet.

Me: “I’m sorry, but I really can’t issue you a refund for these.”

Customer: “Can I speak to a manager?”

Me: “I am a manager. To receive a return for an item, it must be in unused condition so we can resell it. These shoes are no longer new and I can’t resell them since they are obviously dirty and worn.”

Customer: *Without missing a beat and completely serious* “Then just clean them.”

Me: *Blinks a few times* “I’m… sorry. We… can’t do that. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

The customer put her shoes back in the bag and walked away. She was never angry or rude with me, but it completely baffled me that she seriously thought it was acceptable to return dirty shoes and expect us to just clean them and resell them as new.

Usually, when a customer tells me, “I have the change,” I’ll joke with them by saying, “Just don’t make me count out [number] pennies and we’re golden!” Typically, they laugh and say something along the lines of, “Oh, I would never!” or, “How terrible would it be if someone did that?!”

Me: “Your total today is going to be $11.32.”

The customer hands me a $20 bill.

Me: “Out of $20?”

Customer: “Wait, I think I have the change!”

Me: “Perfect! Just don’t make me count out thirty-two pennies and life’s good!”

Customer: “Excuse me? If I want to give you thirty-two pennies, I will, and rightfully so! It’s legal tender!”

Me: “I apologize ma’am. I didn’t mean—”

Customer: “Ask me that again and I’m giving you the entire amount in pennies! You can’t f****** tell people that they can’t pay with f****** legal tender! This is America!”

Me: “Again, I apologize.”

Customer: “Give me my $20 back.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Give. Me. My. Twenty. Dollar. Bill. Back.”

I hand her back the $20.

Customer: “Since you apparently aren’t comfortable counting, I’m just going to use my card. And maybe you should use your brain, little girl.”

I finished the transaction talking to her as little as I possibly could. Thankfully, that was my only “problem customer” of the day!