About fifteen years ago, I was a computer consultant, travelling for work. I’d gotten to the customer site early, so I meandered into the DIY store next door. I had no idea what I wanted, so I just wandered around. As I wandered, I heard a throat clear behind me. I thought nothing more of it, but then a cut-glass English accent broke the quiet.

Customer: “I say, boy! Boy! Where do you keep your light bulbs?”

Quick as a flash, my brain let me down, and I heard my mouth leak:

Me: “Generally, in light fittings all over my house.”

This did not go down at all well.

Customer: *Poshly* “I’ll have your job for this, boy!”

Just then, my brain came back online.

Me: “I, err, don’t work here!”

Customer: “Well, boy, you should make that clear! Look at how you’re dressed!”

I did. The store uniform was a red sweatshirt, blue trousers, and work boots. I, by contrast, was wearing a sharp black suit, white shirt, and an iridescent purple tie. So very similar! I can only assume that the confusion was caused by my being mixed-race and therefore looking like a houseboy to her.

I politely excused myself and decided that I’d had enough excitement for one day. As I was heading back to my car, I overheard a despairing voice say:

Manager: “No, ma’am, I can’t fire him because he really doesn’t work here.”

I’m selling a phone on a buy/sell app and I get a message from a potential buyer. The first message is automatically generated by the app with the buyer’s offer.

Buyer: “I would like to buy your iPhone 7 Rose Gold 128b GB UNLOCKED for $80.00.”

Me: “I’ll meet you at the circus since, apparently, you think I’m a f****** clown.”

Buyer: “The phone is literally an iPhone 6. That generation is old as h***. It’s literally the generation after the iPhone 5 that they don’t even make anymore, so it should not be more than $80. You are smoking crack if you think it should be. So, I will meet you at the circus because you think I’m a clown. Not you the clown, me the clown.”

Me: “1) You might wanna read the title again, honey. It’s an iPhone 7, not 6. 2) I already have a buyer for $180. 3) If the phone is so old and s***ty, why would you wanna buy it?”

Buyer: “Still, an iPhone 7 shouldn’t be that much. It’s an old generation. Your buyer is paying too much for a phone that’s not worth that much. You’re scamming them out of more money than the phone is worth. Why would you do that? Awful human being! Why would you charge more than it’s worth? I feel sorry that your mother raised you this way.”

Me: “I’ll make sure to let my buyer know I’m scamming them. Thanks, [Buyer]!”

My first job is cashiering for [Big Box Chain]. I’m fairly non-social, so I have had to pick up the little intricacies of smiling, nodding along, and small talk. In many ways, I am awfully, extremely, undoubtedly street-dumb, and this is one example of such that arguably worked in my favor. I’m eager to keep my minimum-wage paycheck and not get fired, so I do my best to learn the ropes.

A few months in, I’m starting to get the hang of some things. I’m confident with my register, have picked up a good rhythm for scanning and bagging, and have honed the fine art of keeping the average customer satisfied. But other things haven’t quite absorbed, two of which are relevant here. One, when my register is full of too much cash, the excessive amount needs to be “picked up” and whisked to the accounting office. And two, sometimes the dreaded “quick-change artist” makes their rounds to dupe us hurried, distracted cashiers out of our register money.

It’s a busy shift, I’ve accumulated Too Much Money in my register, and I’m doing my best to get customers’ purchases scanned, bagged, and paid for efficiently. A couple of hours before shift end, a man comes through my till with just a tiny two-pack of chapstick, which he goes to pay for with a $100 bill. For normal people, that’s a probable red flag, but naive me plugs it into the till and the register opens.

The man waves his arm to grab my attention and wants the $100 back, offering to pay with smaller bills. Present-day me knows he is trying to get the $100 back plus the $90-some-odd change.

Naive past me finds this a little odd, but without really thinking too hard, says the first thing that comes to my mind:

Me: “Oh, no, no, it’s okay! I know how hard it can be to break big bills like this. Don’t worry, I can do that for you.”

I don’t know if my genuine desire to be helpful stunned him or if he just figured that I was too foolish to fool, but he said nothing as I counted out and handed him his $90-something change like any other sale. He didn’t say anything and skulked out when I wished him a lovely day.

A couple of days after this, I was finally told what a quick-change artist is, and I got one step closer to being street-average.

I am standing in the checkout lane at a popular makeup store. There are several checkout counters open, including a “credit and debit card” only lane. I am called to the counter to checkout.

Employee: “Are you paying with a credit or debit card?”

I place my two items on the counter. I am purchasing an eyeliner for myself and a gift card for a friend.

Me: “Yes, I am paying with a debit card.”

Employee: “Okay. Do you want to sign up for a store credit card?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

The employee scans my eyeliner and then scans the gift card. The employee suddenly looks very angry.

Employee: “What are you trying to do?”

I am extremely taken aback and confused by the question. 

Me: “What?”

Employee: “What are you trying to do with this gift card?!”

I have no idea why the employee has changed from relatively pleasant to practically yelling at me.

Me: “I want to add $50 to the gift card.” 

I think this is a very clear request, but the employee looks at me with suspicion.

Employee: “You didn’t say that.”

At this point, I’ve only been at the counter for a minute. After the employee’s question about the store credit card, there hasn’t been time for me to say anything about the gift card. I’m also wondering why they didn’t just ask instead of yelling at me. But, at this point, I just want the transaction to be over.

Me: “Okay, sorry. I want to add $50.”

The employee continues to look at me as if I am trying to trick them. 

Employee: “I thought you were trying to pay with the gift card.”

Me: “No, this is the credit and debit card only lane. I am paying with a debit card.”

Employee: “Well, some people think that they can pay with a gift card in this lane.”

For the third time…

Me: “Okay, but I am not paying with a gift card. I am buying it.”

The employee grumbled but completed the transaction, still glaring at me. I left as quickly as possible. 

I’m not entirely sure what the employee’s problem was that day, but I think they thought I was trying to steal the makeup with a bad gift card.

For the Fourth of July, our manager puts those “Thank a Veteran” Cokes in an iced-down chest in front of the registers.

I’m working the night after the Fourth when a customer decides she doesn’t want the three battery-operated string lights in her hands. She dumps them in the coolers, which are now full of water.

I hurry over so the items don’t get ruined in the water.

Me: “Ma’am, do you mind handing me those items so I can put them back where they belong?”

Customer: “You don’t have to be rude about it. I have a sinus infection!”

I finished ringing up her purchase in silence, confused as to how a sinus infection causes someone to knowingly ruin product.