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    I Goes To Skool

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Top

    (A girl in her late teens approaches me holding a t-shirt, turning it over in her hands, apparently searching for defects or blemishes in the material.)

    Customer: “Do you have any of these that are new?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? They’re all new.”

    Customer: “No, this one is used. I want a new one.”

    (I take the shirt and inspect it, finding it to be in perfect order.)

    Me: “It looks perfectly fine to me. I unpacked these from today’s shipment an hour ago. We have multiples of each size if you’d like me to help you find another one.”

    Customer: “I checked them all. They’re all used, see…”

    (She snatches the shirt and points at the tag which reads, under the bar code, “USD $14.99″.)

    Me: “That’s the currency. United States Dollars.”

    Customer, becoming irate: “I can f**king see that. Fifteen dollars for a used shirt is f**king insane.”

    Me: “No. U-S-D. United States Dollars. We don’t sell used clothing.”

    Customer: “What are you, a f**king idiot? It says you do, right on the d**n tag.”

    Me: “My mistake. Here, I’ll take that and make sure it gets thrown away.”

    (I take the shirt and begin walking to the stock room.)

    Customer: “Can I just have it? You’re going to throw it out anyway.”

    Me: “Sorry, no. There’s an IQ requirement.”

    Customer: “A what?”

    Me: “It’s an acronym thing. Don’t worry about it.”

    Customer: “You’re a f**king a**hole!”

    (She storms out.)

    The Beauty Of A One-Track Mind

    | Roanoke, VA, USA |

    Me: Thank you for calling [Retail Store], what can I help you with?

    Lady: “Yes, I was wondering if you had any TV’s that were in your ad.”

    *I remember selling the last one a few moments ago*

    Me: “I’m sorry, we have no more left in stock.”

    Lady: “Why?”

    Me: “Because I sold the last one a few moments ago.”

    Lady: “Why would you do something like that? I wanted one.”

    Me: “Well thats what we do here, we sell things. We may get some more in tomorrow. Your could call tomorrow morning and ask to put one on hold.”

    Lady: “Okay, I’d like to do that now.”

    Me: “I can’t do that, we don’t have any now. I meant to try again tomorrow.”

    Lady: “Okay. The name is Johnson.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t have any more of the TV’s that were on sale to put on hold. I don’t understand why you are not grasping that. We have zero TV’s that you want. I have several other models that are not on sale you can choose from.”

    Lady: “I would like the one in your ad to be put on hold under my name.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we are sold out of that model!”

    Lady: “Okay. I’ll come pick it up later today.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I sold the last TV before you called!”

    Lady: “Why?”

    Me: *click*

    Hey Look, It’s Raining Change

    | Waterford, CT, USA |

    (A lady walks in with a bunch of change in her hands.)

    Lady: “Can you give me a dollar bill for all this change?”

    Me: “Sorry, it’s against company policy to open the register unless I am making a sale.”

    Lady: “But you just opened the register for that kid.”

    Me: “Yes, because I was making a sale.”

    Lady: “This is bulls**t. You aren’t helping me because I’m Hispanic!”

    *starts swearing at me in Spanish and English*

    Me: “Have a good day, ma’am.”

    *lady continues yelling*

    Me: “Have a good day.”

    *lady is still yelling*

    Me: “Ma’am, I am going to have to ask you to leave.”

    (The lady is about two feet away from me and throws all of her coins at me. I didn’t move because I was in shock. She managed to not hit me with one single coin.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you dropped your change.”

    Whoever Blinks First Loses

    | Clarksville, TN, USA |

    (It was Christmas time, and we were all extra weary of credit card fraud, so we were required to check IDs with all credit card purchases.)

    Me: “The total is $17.88.”

    (Customer pulls out a credit card.)

    Me: “Will that be credit or debit?”

    Customer: “Credit.”

    Me: “Alright. Do you mind if I see your ID?”

    Customer: “What if I do mind?”

    Me: “Then we’re at a stalemate.”

    (I fold my arms, and look at her straight in the eyes.)

    Good, Because Beagles Don’t Like Fridges

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (This guy with a thick Bosnian accent comes up to me.)

    Customer: “I am looking for beekels.”

    Me: “Beekels?”

    Customer: “Okay…”

    (I show him where are the bagels are.)

    Customer: “No, Not bread. Beekles.”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “The kind you put in fridge.”

    Me: “Oh.”

    (I go to the freezers and show him the frozen bagels.)

    Customer: “NO! NOT BREAD! BEEKLES!”

    Me: “I can’t…I don’t know…uh…”

    (He walks away. A few Aisles away he sees it and picks up.)

    Customer: “This is what I was looking for.”

    Me: “Oh, pickles…”

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