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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Kids Say The Truthiest Things

    , | Belgium | Top

    (Santa was visiting our store, and every kid got a small bag of candy. Then this happened…)

    Santa: “Here you go, little boy!”

    Kid: “Thank you, Santa!”

    Mom: “Aren’t you forgetting anything?”

    Kid: “What, mommy?”

    Mom: “Ask Santa for another bag for your brother like I told you.” *looks at Santa* “He’s sick at home and couldn’t come.”

    Santa: “No problem!” *reaches for another bag*

    Kid: “But mommy, I don’t have a brother!”

    Mom: “…”

    Santa: *puts bag back*

    Why (Good) Regulars Really Rock

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (A man walks into the store with a broken appliance in a bag.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’ve had this for about a month now and it broke, so I want a refund.”

    Me: “Sir, we’re a liquidation store. All sales are final, but I can replace this item for you.”

    (A co-worker of mine grabs another one off the shelf and switches it for the customer.)

    Customer: “How do I know this one won’t break down in a month like the last one?”

    Me: “That’s the thing, we don’t know. If I had some kind of time acceleration chamber, we could put it in there, dial it up to one month from now and see how it’s doing.”

    Customer: “Pfft! So what am I supposed to do, take it home and use it for a month and come back if it doesn’t work?”

    Me: “Either that, or stay here for the next month.”

    Customer: “What about my gas money I spend coming back and forth?”

    Me: “Driving your car is a luxury, you could take the bus!”

    (At this point a line was forming behind the customer…and the customers in line were regulars who are always joking around with me.)

    Old Man: “I rode a horse here today!”

    Old Woman: “I rode a mule!”

    Customer: *takes his new product and storms out*

    Methinks Thou Hast A Stick Up Thine Arse

    | Salem, OR, USA |

    (I’ve worked in a convenience store and a computer shop, and I’ve got a little joke about credit cards and a disarming smile and laugh that people seem to enjoy…but this once…)

    Customer: “Do you guys take credit cards?”

    Me, smiling: “Sure do, but we don’t give ‘em back.”

    Customer, very angry: “You’d g*dd*mn better give it back or I’ll have you arrested on the spot!”

    Me: “That was a joke …”

    The Adventures Of Captain Obvious

    , , , , | Everywhere |

    Me: “Would you like the 4-piece meal or the 6-piece meal?”
    Customer: “What’s the difference?”

    ——–

    Me: “Would you like the quarter pound classic burger or the half pound classic burger?”
    Customer: “Which one is bigger?”

    ——–

    Customer: “How big is the 6 inch?”

    ——–

    Customer: “How many come in a four-pack?”

    ——–

    Customer: “Is your Sunday special on Sundays only?”

    ——–

    Customer: “Does your turkey chic pea chili soup have beef in it?”

    ——–

    Customer: “What flavor is your vanilla ice cream?”

    ——–

    Customer: “What’s the difference between the lemon and the vanilla?”

    ——–

    Customer: “Hi, do you sell books here?”
    Me: “This is a bookstore, ma’am.”

    ——–

    Me: “Thank you for calling Pittsford Plaza Cinema, how may I help you?”
    Customer: “Yes, hello. Are you located in the Pittsford Plaza?”

    ——–

    Me: “Thank you for calling Saltgrass Steakhouse in Meyerland Plaza where our gift cards make great holiday stocking stuffers. How may I assist you?”
    Customer: “Hi, is this Saltgrass?”
    Me: “Yes.”
    Customer: “In Meyerland right?”
    Me: “Yes…”
    Customer: “Do you have giftcards?”‘
    *click*

    Everyone’s A Comedian

    , | Richmond, VA, USA |

    (A customer calls our store and asks about a computer.)

    Customer: “Hello, I was wondering how big the hard drives in y’all’s computers are?”

    Me: “Well the largest hard drive size we have is 1 terabyte. You can get four of those–”

    Customer: *cuts me off* “A terawhat? I’ve heard of a pterodactyl!” *screeches like a pterodactyl might have and hangs up the phone*

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