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    Required: One Marauder’s Map

    | Boston, MA, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work in a large retail store that requires maps for customers. An older woman approaches me with said map…)

    Woman: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, what can I do for you?”

    Woman: “Well, that map:” *points to the one bolted to the floor* “It shows me where I’m currently standing, but this one:” *shows the paper map she’s holding* “doesn’t. Why?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, that’s the map you actually carry throughout the store. There’s no way for it to know where you are at any time.”

    Woman: “Well, all of your maps should show me where I am in the store!”

    Me: *taking her paper map* “Let me see if I can get the GPS on this paper map fixed for you.”

    A Temporary Hot Pocket

    | ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals

    (I am working at a dollar store. We have a very belligerent couple who are always rude and always bringing their dogs into the store. One day they get a new puppy and the man very obviously tries to hide it in his jacket. We all know about the dog, but wait until they are done paying to say this:)

    Me: “Did you know your pocket peed down your front?”

    (We haven’t seen them since.)

    The Crystal Is Not Clear

    , | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Crazy Requests, Home Improvement

    (This takes place over the phone.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m considering buying a [Very High End Brand] crystal chandelier from you guys. I was wondering… is there a way to tell by looking at it what the brand is? Like, is there a signature etched into the crystal, or something written on the metal part?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry; I haven’t seen anything like that.”

    Customer: “But if I spend all this money on the best crystal, how are my guests supposed to tell? I’d want everyone to know!”

    Me: “Well, each chandelier comes with a certificate of authenticity you could display, or a [Brand] tag you could hang on it if you wanted.”

    Customer: *sarcastically* “Oh, that wouldn’t be pretentious at all now, would it?” *hangs up*

    Enough Barking Crazy For One Day

    | Savannah, GA, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I’m a supervisor working a closing shift, helping out for another department, since we’re short on people that night, and doing my work at the service desk. My coworker, who is manning the service desk that night, is on the phone with someone, looking slightly perplexed.)

    Coworker: *mouths toward me* “Take this! Please!”

    (She passes the phone over to me.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling your local [Store Name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: *in a very forced high pitched voice* “Do you have any doghouses.”

    (It’s pretty difficult to understand, as they’re clearly disguising their voice to sound like a woman.)

    Me: “I’m sorry. Did you say doghouses?”

    Customer: “Yes, doghouses.”

    Me: “Oh, no, I’m sorry. We don’t carry doghouses. We do have dog cages and dog carriers, though.”

    Customer: “Do you think a little boy could fit in them?”

    Me: *hangs up* “Nope. Not tonight. I do not have the patience. They asked if a little boy could fit in them. F*** that!”

    Said It Without Batting An Eye

    | Reno, NV, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body

    (I was born with a very rare degenerative eye disease which, after several corrective surgeries, has left me with some very unusual eyes (off-centered pupil, over-sized green-gold iris). I’m used to how they look, but a lot of people are taken aback by them, sometimes even asking if they’re real. This incident takes place while I’m hanging up clothing.)

    Me: “Hello, sir. How are you today?”

    Customer: “I’m fine, thank you. We’re looking for— Are you wearing contacts?”

    Me: “No?”

    Customer: “Your eyes look really weird.”

    Me: ” …Thanks.”

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