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    Time To Fire The Marketing Department

    | Lansing, IL, USA |

    (I work at a large electronics retail chain, the largest in the world, that has very large lighted signs on the outside of their buildings, an easily recognizable color scheme, and million-dollar highly polished TV commercials.)

    (I was standing near computer software, towards the BACK of the store, when a customer walked straight down the center aisle, passing all the other departments and products, and right up to me. He opened his mouth, paused for a second, and asked me:)

    Customer: “What store is this?”

    Of All The Times To Dial A Wrong Number

    | Austin, TX, USA |

    (Okay, so I was answering the phone and this guy calls us instead of the number he means to…)

    Me: “Hello?”

    Him: “Hey baby.”

    Me: “What?”

    Him: “I’ve got the stuff for tonight, are you ready for it?”

    Me: “Um, WHAT?”

    Him: “You know what, babe…”

    Me: “I think you have the wrong number…”

    Him: “Oh good lord, I’m sorry! BYE!” *click*

    (Me and my mother laughed about that one for a good 5 minutes.)

    Caught Red-Handed, Part 2

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (This is why it’s good to check inside the box when someone returns something.)

    Me: “Ok sir, what’s wrong with the XBOX360?”

    Customer: “Oh, it just doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Ok.”

    (I get the box, and policy indicates that I have to open it up. I look inside and there was a Sega Saturn with a couple of old stereo parts.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, this isn’t what supposed to be inside here.”

    Customer: *fumbling for words* “Oh…oh…uh…that isn’t it. I have the real one at home. I’ll just get it…”

    (Customer picks up the box and walks away, never to be seen from again. All the while I sit back laughing.)

    Caught Red-Handed

    Thank You For Calling Webster’s

    | California, USA |

    (Ok, to explain. I work in a company that sells landscaping materials. You know…rock, dirt, compost, etc. This is a phone conversation I had.)

    Me: “Hello, [Company Name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer:: “Hello, I had a question about compost.”

    Me: “Well, we have two kinds. Mushroom compost and chicken compost.”

    Customer:: “Well, I want to know what is compost.”

    Me: “Well, the mushroom compost is a mixture of horse manure, peat moss, gypsum, oyster-shell lime, straw and composted rice hulls. The chicken–” *customer cuts me off*

    Customer:: “No I mean…what *is* compost?”

    Me: “Decomposing organic matter?”

    Customer:: “I see…what do you mean by ‘decomposing organic matter’?”

    Me: *wondering if this is a prank call by now* “Well…as in organic matter that is breaking down in a natural process…”

    Customer:: “What is ‘organic’?”

    Me: “Okay. What do you think happens when you throw your coffee grounds, apple cores, and other scraps into a huge pile with animal manure?”

    Customer:: “…it starts to stink.”

    Me: “Because it’s decomposing.”

    Customer:: “…but what is ‘decomposing’?”

    Me: “It’s rotting.”

    Customer:: “…and we put this in our gardens?”

    Me: “Ironic, isn’t it?”

    Customer:: “Okay, so what do you mean by ‘matter’?”

    (I’m sure you can all figure out how this conversation went at this point. 20 minutes of my life I will never have back.)

    Always Right, Even When They’re At The Wrong Store

    | Crestwood, MO, USA |

    (I worked this job over a year ago and got plenty of peachy customers, this is one that sticks with you though…)

    Customer: “I need to pick up my copy order.”

    Me: “Sure thing, what’s the name on that?”

    Customer: “*******, and it’s very important so it had better be right.”

    (I proceed to the bins where we keep our completed orders and can’t find one, can’t find a work order sheet, and when I check our production log nothing has been checked in.)

    Me: “Erm… Sir, are you sure this is the correct location? I seem to be having trouble finding this order…”

    Customer: “Yea, I’m sure, my wife dropped it off here. You better get off your a** and find it!”

    (So I keep looking over and over again. Neanwhile he’s still telling me off and using much less than appropriate language. My supply side manager had a bad night, so I was dead set on settling it myself.)

    Me, again: “Sir, I’m not seeing it but I want to get your name again just to be sure.”

    Customer: “You really are useless aren’t you? The name is *******, stupida**. I’ll even call my wife and she can confirm it for you!”

    (I cross my arms and wait patiently for him to make his call. It’s little surprise to me when he pales a little and hangs up.)

    Customer: “It’s at ****** Depot…BUT IT’S STILL YOUR FAULT THAT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT!”

    *customer storms out*

    Always Right Even When Calling The Wrong Store

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