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    Thank You For Calling Webster’s

    | California, USA |

    (Ok, to explain. I work in a company that sells landscaping materials. You know…rock, dirt, compost, etc. This is a phone conversation I had.)

    Me: “Hello, [Company Name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer:: “Hello, I had a question about compost.”

    Me: “Well, we have two kinds. Mushroom compost and chicken compost.”

    Customer:: “Well, I want to know what is compost.”

    Me: “Well, the mushroom compost is a mixture of horse manure, peat moss, gypsum, oyster-shell lime, straw and composted rice hulls. The chicken–” *customer cuts me off*

    Customer:: “No I mean…what *is* compost?”

    Me: “Decomposing organic matter?”

    Customer:: “I see…what do you mean by ‘decomposing organic matter’?”

    Me: *wondering if this is a prank call by now* “Well…as in organic matter that is breaking down in a natural process…”

    Customer:: “What is ‘organic’?”

    Me: “Okay. What do you think happens when you throw your coffee grounds, apple cores, and other scraps into a huge pile with animal manure?”

    Customer:: “…it starts to stink.”

    Me: “Because it’s decomposing.”

    Customer:: “…but what is ‘decomposing’?”

    Me: “It’s rotting.”

    Customer:: “…and we put this in our gardens?”

    Me: “Ironic, isn’t it?”

    Customer:: “Okay, so what do you mean by ‘matter’?”

    (I’m sure you can all figure out how this conversation went at this point. 20 minutes of my life I will never have back.)

    Always Right, Even When They’re At The Wrong Store

    | Crestwood, MO, USA |

    (I worked this job over a year ago and got plenty of peachy customers, this is one that sticks with you though…)

    Customer: “I need to pick up my copy order.”

    Me: “Sure thing, what’s the name on that?”

    Customer: “*******, and it’s very important so it had better be right.”

    (I proceed to the bins where we keep our completed orders and can’t find one, can’t find a work order sheet, and when I check our production log nothing has been checked in.)

    Me: “Erm… Sir, are you sure this is the correct location? I seem to be having trouble finding this order…”

    Customer: “Yea, I’m sure, my wife dropped it off here. You better get off your a** and find it!”

    (So I keep looking over and over again. Neanwhile he’s still telling me off and using much less than appropriate language. My supply side manager had a bad night, so I was dead set on settling it myself.)

    Me, again: “Sir, I’m not seeing it but I want to get your name again just to be sure.”

    Customer: “You really are useless aren’t you? The name is *******, stupida**. I’ll even call my wife and she can confirm it for you!”

    (I cross my arms and wait patiently for him to make his call. It’s little surprise to me when he pales a little and hangs up.)

    Customer: “It’s at ****** Depot…BUT IT’S STILL YOUR FAULT THAT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT!”

    *customer storms out*

    Related:
    Always Right Even When Calling The Wrong Store

    Full Of Sh*t, In So Many Ways

    | Walnut Creek, CA, USA |

    (Note: our bathrooms decided to back up and so we had to lock them.)

    Customer: “Can you unlock the bathroom?”

    Me: “Sorry, they are out of order.”

    Customer: “What do you mean!? I need to go!”

    Me: “The bagel shop next door has a bathroom that they’ll be glad to let you use.”

    Customer: “There used to be a day when the customer was always right!”

    *storms off and probably shat his pants*

    Next Time, Just Smile And Nod

    , | Taylor, MI, USA |

    Customer 1: “We would like to exchange these items.”

    (Hands over unopened video game controller and sealed games.)

    Me: “Do you have your receipt?”

    Customer 1: “No, we just want to do an exchange!”

    Me: “I am unable to do a return without a receipt verifying you purchased your items at this store.”

    Customer 2:” We DON’T want to do a RETURN, we want to do an EXCHANGE!”

    (Our store also buys used video games and accessories so I think maybe that is what they’re trying to do)

    Me: “Without a receipt the only thing I can do is buy these from you but you wont get the full retail price. Is that what you’re trying to do?”

    Customer 1: “NO! I want to do an exchange!”

    Me: “Then I’ll need a receipt.”

    (Customer sits there for a minute and finally produces a receipt.)

    Me: “Thank you. I’m going to return these items and when you find what you want in the store, just bring it up to the counter.”

    Customer 2: “WE CAN’T DO A RETURN, IT HAS TO BE AN EXCHANGE! IT CAN’T GO BACK ON THE CREDIT CARD!”

    Me: “Just go and pick out the items you want and if there is money left over we’ll give you a store credit.”

    Customer 2: “BUT IT CAN’T GO ON THE CREDIT CARD!! YOU CAN’T RETURN THE ITEMS!”

    Me: “We have to return them to keep our inventory up to date.”

    Customer 1: “WE JUST SAID WE CAN’T RETURN THEM, WE NEED TO EXCHANGE THEM!”

    Me: “I’m trying to explain to you that it is a corporate policy to return items not exchange them, but that does not mean the money goes on your credit card. We can give you store credit.”

    Customer 1: “So you guys are somehow different from every other store on the planet? Every other store does exchanges but not you.”

    Customer 2: “IT CAN’T GO ON THE CREDIT CARD.”

    Me: “Listen, you are over-thinking this–”

    Customer 1, cutting me off: “MAYBE YOU ARE UNDER-THINKING THIS! I TOLD YOU I WANT TO DO AN EXCHANGE. I’M GOING TO THE STORE I BOUGHT THIS FROM THEY’LL DO AN EXCHANGE!”

    Me: “You can take these items to any ***** you want. We all have to same policy.”

    Customer 2: “NO, YOU’RE JUST STUPID!”

    (They leave the store, half an hour later I get a call from the store down the street laughing and thanking me for sending over such *lovely* customers.)

    Pointless Obstinance

    | Edinburgh, UK |

    Me: “Good Evening, Ross speaking. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I just told you how you can help me!”

    Me: “No, sir, you were speaking to someone in admin; they put your call through to me. If you could repeat your query I’ll be happy to help.”

    Caller: “But I just told you what I wanted. I’m not repeating myself!”

    Me: “Then I’m sorry, I can’t help you then.”

    Caller: “Fine!” *hangs up*

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