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    Oh, What’s A Little Third Degree Burn Anyway

    | Los Gatos, CA, USA |

    (In high school I worked at a do-it-yourself pottery painting store. Customers would purchase a blank piece of pottery and paint it with colored glazes, and we would fire the finished pieces overnight in kilns. Pick-up time for pieces is 6:30pm. A customer shows up at 10am wanting her piece.)

    Customer: “Yeah, I painted something yesterday and I want to pick it up.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but your piece is still in the kiln. I can probably have it to you by 4 if you can’t wait until 6:30.”

    Customer: “Why can’t I have it now?”

    Me: “Because it’s still in the kiln, and it needs to finish baking and cool for several hours before I can take it out.”

    Customer: “But can’t you just get mine out now?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but the kiln is running at 1600 degrees and is locked shut. Even if I could get it open and get your piece out without killing myself, the piece would shatter from cooling too fast.”

    Customer: “Can’t you just get it out?”

    Me: *facepalm*

    Captain Obvious’ Evil Twin

    | Milton, ON, Canada |

    (My coworker is approached at the till by a woman, somewhere in her 40s.)

    Customer: “How long does your one-hour service take?”

    (My coworker looks at me, and without missing a beat…)

    Me: “A week.”

    Customer: “Oh, nevermind then.” *walks off*

    (The coworker and I look at each other and start to laugh.)

    Captain Obvious Throws In The Towel
    Captain Obvious’ Revenge
    The Son Of Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious Strikes Back

    Illogical Conclusions

    | United Kingdom | Top

    (One day a man broke into our staff-only area and stole mine and my colleague’s purses and phones. This exchange took place about two minutes after I disturbed the burglar and he ran past me. I was in a bad state of shock.)

    Customer: “What’s happened?”

    Me: “Someone has just broken into upstairs and stolen our purses and mobiles.”

    Customer: “Well, you know why that is don’t you? It’s because your prices are so high!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Well if your prices weren’t so high then people wouldn’t need to do that.”

    Me: “I’m sorry…you believe that because you think our stock is expensive that it gave someone the right to steal my personal possessions?”

    (The customer then looked around her and noticed the rest of the queue staring at her in disbelief.)

    Customer: “Well it’s not that I think…I mean…some might say…I…”

    (She stuttered incoherently for a while and then paid for her items in silence.)

    Next Customer: “What a complete fool! Are you alright, dear?”

    An Expensive Temper Tantrum, Part 2

    | Nashville, TN, USA |

    (Back story: I sold a woman four phones on a family plan for her and her 3 teenage daughters. She insisted that she be put on the 500 minute plan (the smallest family plan). I informed her that most teenagers can use 500 minutes in a week and begged her to take a larger plan.

    She refused and became quite angry and belligerent with me for suggesting “that her daughters were not responsible adults.” I noted on her account that she was advised of all overage charges and that there were to be no refunds on the account for overage charges. One month later she returns purple faced and on the verge of a stroke with her $3,200 phone bill.)

    Customer: “I need these charges taken off.”

    Me: “No, I explained the overage scale to you when you activated your phone, and begged you to take a larger plan. You insisted this was the one you needed and I cannot refund any of the charges.”

    Customer: “F**k you then, and f**k [cellular provider]. Cancel my account!”

    Me: “I’ll be happy to deactivate your phones but unfortunately that does not release you from your contract. There will be a $240.00 charge for each phone on the account for breaking your contract and you will still be responsible for the current charges.”

    (The customer suddenly throws her phone at my head. I duck and it smashes into the wall in a million pieces.)

    Customer: “F**K [cell phone provider]! F**K YOU, AND F**K ALL OF YOU A**HOLES TOO!”

    (Inexplicably, the last part was directed at the other customers waiting patiently for her to finish. She then proceeds to storm out to her car, a brand new Lexus SC 430. She redlines the engine, drops it into gear and hits a lamp post hard enough to shatter every piece of glass in the car as well as almost tearing the front half of the car off.)

    Customer: *comes back in the store* “Can I use your phone?”

    Another Customer: “Karma’s a b**ch, ain’t it?”

    An Expensive Temper Tantrum

    Putting The Me In Blame

    | Hopewell Junction, NY, USA |

    (I rang up a customer and about ten minutes later, the woman comes back in, cuts in front of the rest of the line and begins yelling at me.)

    Customer: “You never gave me my credit card back! You stole it!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I did not steal your credit card. I gave it back to you.”

    Customer: “No you didn’t! I know you stole it! I demand my credit card back!”

    (This goes on for ten minutes as I continue ringing up other customers, all of them staring at the insane woman screaming at me.)

    Customer: “I looked everywhere and I cannot find my credit card! I know you have it!”

    (She opens her wallet to show me that her credit card is missing. I spot the credit card in her wallet.)

    Me: “Is your credit card a light-blue visa?”

    Customer: “YES!”

    Me: “…It’s in your wallet, right there.”

    (She storms out with an attitude and doesn’t even apologize.)

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