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    Easily Puzzled

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    Me: “****** Frame Shop, how can I help you?”

    Lady: “Hi. I have a problem with a mat I ordered.”

    Me: “What is the problem?”

    Lady: “Well, I wanted the mat to fit over a puzzle and on the puzzle box it says it is supposed to be 20″ by 28″, so that is what we ordered.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Lady: “But I am putting the puzzle together and it is only 20″ by 23″.”

    Me: “Well, if there is a problem I can always re-order the mat for you…”

    Lady: “But the puzzle is supposed to be 20″ by 28″! Now it won’t fit in the frame I bought from you!”

    Me: “Do you have the puzzle all put together?”

    Lady: “No, not yet.”

    Me: “…then how did you measure it?”

    Lady: “I measured the edges!”

    Me: “Are there any pieces with flat sides left?”

    Lady: “Yes, but they don’t fit.”

    Me: “Hmm, I see….”

    (I spend the next 15 minutes trying to explain to the customer that all of the flat pieces belong on the edges of the puzzle, without offending her or snickering.)

    When Mood Swings Attack

    | Durango, CO, USA |

    (Where I work, all cashiers are taught to ask how the customer’s day was, and if they found everything alright. Simple, easily answered and pleasant…usually.)

    Me: “How is your day, ma’am?”

    Customer: *quite happily* “It’s great, I can’t complain.”

    Me: “That’s good, did you find everything okay today?”

    Customer: *suddenly angry* “NO, I couldn’t find product X or product Y, nor did you have any of product Q in stock, so far in the past three weeks of me shopping here, I have come in and you haven’t had ANY in stock!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry about that, I could get a manager over and see if we could solve this prob–”

    Customer, cutting me off: “NO, this is absolutely unacceptable! I guess I’m just going to have to go to competitor A from now on!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry about that, ma’am.”

    Customer: “YOU should be, it’s YOUR paycheck!”

    Me:

    Suddenly, I Feel Very Sorry For Her Child

    | Colorado, USA |

    Woman: Excuse me, I’ve lost my child somewhere in the store.

    Me: “Okay, I’ll get someone right away.”

    (I call in a code yellow.)

    Me: “Okay, how old is your child?”

    Woman: “She’d just turned three. Ooohhh, what if she’s been kidnapped?”

    Me: “Don’t worry, I’m sure that’s not the case.”

    (Security comes up to talk to her and she turns around.)

    Security: “Ma’am, how many children do you have?”

    Woman: “Just one, why?”

    Security: “Because your child is on your back.”

    (She was wearing one of those harnesses.)

    Customer: Impossible

    | Chicago suburbs, IL, USA |

    Old man: “I need a new phone! But I don’t want all those fancy bells and whistles on it!”

    Me: “Ok, well we have some more basic phones over–”

    Old man: “No I don’t want caller ID!”

    Me: “Hmm…well all the phones we carry have caller ID on them. It’s a pretty standard feature nowadays.”

    Old man: “Yeah but I don’t have that service, so I’d just be wasting my money on a feature I don’t use!”

    (This sort of this goes on for about 10 minutes. At one point another customer enters the aisle doing her own shopping. He looks over my shoulder and yells to her “Go find someone else! He’s helping me right now!”)

    (Finally he decides on a phone…)

    Old man: “Does this one have a wall mount?”

    Me: “Yes sir, it’s wall mountable.”

    Old man: “Show me!”

    Me: “We can’t really open product-”

    Old man: “No, show me!”

    (I think, “Screw it,” and open the box and take everything out to show him)

    Me: “See? Wall mounts.”

    Old man: “Ok fine, I’ll take it.”

    (I spend 10 minutes trying to get the freaking phone back in the box exactly how it was packaged, which is a lot harder than it sounds.)

    Me: “Ok…here you go.”

    Old man: “No, I don’t want that one, it’s been opened!”

    (I nearly beat him to death with his cane.)

    Breaking The Terms of Service, LA-Style

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (A customer is looking at a laptop. I approach to help.)

    Me: “That’s a really great computer.”

    Customer: “I don’t need a computer. I need wireless internet.”

    Me: “Alright, how much range do you need cover?”

    Customer, dead serious: “From here to Santa Monica.”

    (Note: This is about a distance of ten miles.)

    Me: “Alright, let’s start over. This time I’ll be from the future.”

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