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    The Less They Know, The Better

    | Ontario, Canada, USA |

    (The customer decides to buy two children’s face towels, one for each child. They are $3.50 each, but you can get three for $7.00.)

    Me: “Just so you know, you can get three towels for $7.”

    Customer: “No thanks.”

    Me: “You are paying $7 anyway, since they’re $3.50 each…”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Essentially, if you buy two, you get a third one free!”

    Customer: “Free?”

    Me: “Yeah, one for yourself!”

    Customer: “I don’t want one!”

    Me: “Well, it’s an extra one for the kids, or you can give it away, or give it to me.” *I laugh lightly*

    Customer: “If I get three, I’ll have to get a fourth, or the kids will fight.”

    Me: “Ah, you can get a fourth one for only $2.33, because you get the discount if you buy three or more.”

    Customer: “But you said the third one is free!”

    Me: “It’s essentially free. When you get three or more, you’re actually paying $2.33 for each one, instead of $3.50. It works out the same.”

    Customer: “So I’m paying for it, even though it’s free?”

    Me: “The deal is actually three for $7, seven divided by three is $2.33; you end up paying only $2.33 for each one instead of $3.50.”

    Customer: “Whoa, so the first two are $3.50, the third one is free, and the fourth one is $2.33?”

    Me: “You could look at it that way, I guess…”

    Customer: “You guys have confusing prices, I’m getting a headache!”

    (The customer asks the kids if they want another one. They get excited and pick out two more. I scan them. Each one shows up at $3.50 each, but the computer discounts them automatically at the end).

    Customer: “Hey, they all scanned at $3.50!”

    Me: “Don’t worry, the discount is applied at the end.”

    Customer: “You’re trying to rip me off!”

    Me: “I’m not, see your subto–”

    Customer: “I’m never coming here again!”

    (The customer grabs the children, who start crying because they really wanted the face towels.)

    All Are Retail Slaves

    | North Bay, ON, Canada | Top

    (Note: I wasn’t actually an employee, I was just a regular customer walking around this store. A middle aged woman walks up to me.)

    Lady: “Excuse me, do you have any golf clubs?”

    Me: “Sorry, I don’t work here.”

    Lady: “But you look like you do…”

    Me: “Sorry, no…all the employees here have red vests and tags that say ***** ******* on them.”

    Lady: “But can you tell me where the golf clubs are?”

    Me: “No, I don’t even live in this town [which was true]. I am just looking around.”

    Lady: “Well, you’re no help. I might as well look in the other store.” *walks away in a huffy mood*

    Me, loudly: “MAYBE IF YOU PAID ME, I’D HELP!”

    How Dorothy Does Her Shopping

    | Fort Worth, TX, USA | Bizarre, Top

    (This happened during a tornado that crashed down just up the street from the store I worked in. The power went out, and one of the AC units had almost been ripped off the building. After a brief panic in which all customers and staff were shut in the tornado-shelter/assistant manager’s office, we employees locked down the building and started counting down registers, waiting until the storm had calmed down to let anyone go. It was raining, and the parking lot was actually flooding at this point.)

    Me: “Wouldn’t it be funny if someone came tearing in here, possessed with the desire to buy something? Because obviously, in the dark, during a tornado, this is the best time to beat crowds.”

    Norma (team lead): *laughs* “That’s mean.”

    (Not ten minutes later, standing by the glass front doors to watch the storm, we see a woman run across the four-lane highway outside, dodging between stopped cars. She tears across the parking lot, carrying her high heels in her hand, and stops to put them on before trying the doors to our building. She tugs, but they’re locked, so of course, she knocks. After a moment of amazement, our Ladies department manager Lara answers the door.)

    Lara: “Ma’am, we’re closed.”

    Woman: *panting* “Really?”

    Me: “Tornado took our power out.”

    Woman: “Are you really closed?”

    (By now, both the captive customers and the employees are exchanging glances. I look at Norma, who stares wide-eyed at the woman.)

    Lara: “There’s really no way we could ring you up for anything. We have no power.”

    Woman: “Oh, that’s too bad. I thought now would be a good time to get some shopping done! I’ll just go back to my car, then.”

    Lara: “Ma’am, there is torrential rain pouring down out there, and the wind is moving the cars.”

    Woman: “Well I can’t buy anything, why should I stay?” *leaves*

    (Though our policy states that we should try to detain people, we cannot legally do that, so Lara lets her go. I turn to Norma and say…)

    Me: “…didn’t I just tell that joke?”

    Related:
    After The Tornado, Dorothy Never Was Quite The Same

    Golly Gee, I’m So Smrt

    , | Cleveland, OH, USA |

    Me: *notices woman walking into store* “How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I see you have two DVDs for 10 dollars.”

    Me: “Actually ma’am, that sale ended yesterday.”

    Customer: “Well, I have to buy some for my son for Christmas, so maybe you can be a doll and ring them up for me for that price.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I can’t do that.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because that sale ended yesterday.”

    Customer: “What difference is it to you the price you sell these DVD’s at?!”

    Me: “My job…”

    Customer: “How about it I give you $5.00?”

    Me: “…sure.”

    (I go and ring up the two DVDs, and take the woman’s money. With the five dollars she gave me, this adds up to the normal retail price so she’s saved nothing.)

    Me: “Have a happy holiday, ma’am.”

    Customer: *winks at me*

    Take A Guess Who The Better Half Is

    , | San Francisco Bay Area, CA, USA | Top

    (A couple approaches, and the dude ditches quickly to the back of the store while the woman barks…)

    Woman: “I need some tickets!”

    Me: “What show?”

    Woman: “I need tickets to the concert.”

    Me: “Which one?”

    Woman: “The concert.”

    Me: “There are a lot of concerts going on, which one do you want to see?”

    Woman: “I don’t know what it’s called.”

    Me: “Who’s playing?”

    Woman: “A bunch of people…I don’t know.”

    Me: “Do you know where it’s going to be?”

    Woman: “No.”

    Me: “When?”

    Woman: “No–why can’t you find my tickets?!?”

    Me: “I need something to go on.”

    Woman: “It’s a concert!”

    Me: “That doesn’t narrow it down for me. That pretty much only eliminates Phantom of the Opera.”

    (She finally yells at the dude who has been hiding in magazines.)

    Woman: “What’s the name of the concert we’re going to?”

    (The dude comes forward and gives me the name of the show, where it is and on what day.)

    Woman: “Oh, NOW you can find the tickets.”

    Me: “…”

    Woman: “We need two tickets…TOGETHER!”

    Me, looking at dude: “Are you sure?”

    (He smiled, she missed it, and I lived to do retail another day.)

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