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    Why Dracula No Longer Bites Crackheads

    | Richmond, KY, USA |

    (A very old man with a Dracula Transylvania accent comes into the store. I am standing in an aisle restocking something, easily spotted by anyone entering the store.)

    Dracula: “HO HO HO!” *it’s summer btw* “Where is everybody? All hands on deck! Can’t I get some f**king help here?!”

    Me bewildered: “Uhm, I’m right here. What can I help you with sir?”

    Dracula: “I need new razor blades.”

    Me: “Okay, they are right over here.” *leads him to display* “What kind of razor do you have?”

    Dracula: “I don’t know! Why does that matter? How am I suppose to know that?”

    Me: “Well, there are different blades for each kind of razor. If you can look through the razors we have and show me what it looks like, I’ll get you fixed up.”

    (Dracula finds his razor and I find his blades.)

    Me: “Do you want the 4 count or the 8 count? The 8 count costs a bit more.”

    Dracula: “Give me the 8 count! You think I want to come back here everyday? No one works here!”

    (I get the blades for him and start heading toward the checkout. He stops me and snatches the blades from me.)

    Dracula: “I need to see them first to make sure they’re right! *starts to open them*

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but you can’t just open things. We matched them up to your razor. I’m sure they are right.”

    Dracula: *opens them anyway* “They’re right!”

    (He hands them to me and again I move toward the checkout. Again, he stops me.)

    Dracula: “What are you doing? Those are open. I’m not buying them!”

    Me: “Sir you were the one to open them after I clearly told you not to. So you are buying these. Next time, don’t open things you don’t want.”

    (He grabs another box of the shelf and snatches the open box from me. He tosses it onto a lower shelf and says…)

    Dracula: “You need a display anyway! You should have a display so people know what they are buying!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m fairly certain that our customers with children would not appreciate an open razor blade display!”

    (I snatch them up and sell him the unopened box; at this point, I just wanted him out of the store. We dealt with Dracula twice more.)

    At Least She’s Being Honest

    , | Hanover, MD, USA |

    (A lady comes in with a bag of shirts.)

    Lady: “I need to return these.”

    Me: “Sorry we can’t take those back, they’re opened…”

    Lady: “Why the hell not!?”

    Me: “You can only return the shirts if they’re unopened. It’s the store policy.”

    Lady: “Bulls**t, you’re trying to rip me off! You’re suppose to take these back–they don’t fit my husband!”

    Me: “If you read the policy you would know you couldn’t bring them back, ma’am.”

    Lady: “What store policy?!”

    (I point to the store policy above and behind me on a red sign in big white letters. The lady snatches the bag of shirts and starts stomping off. My manager, who was watching the whole time, finally says something.)

    Manager: “I’m sorry ma’am, next time you should read the policy–”

    Lady: *cuts off my manager* “I DON’T F**KING READ!!”

    The Da Vinci Code 3: Running Out Of Conspiracies

    | California, USA |

    (The store’s power went out one day so we were using a pocket calculator to figure out totals and writing up paper receipts.)

    Customer: “I’m not ready to pay yet, but can you tell me what I will owe?”

    (I punch some numbers into the calculator, which returns 26.595.)

    Me: “Your total will be $26.59.”

    (When the customer comes back to pay, the power has just come back on and our computer system is up and running so I enter her purchase information.)

    Me: “Okay, the total comes to $26.60.”

    Customer: “You told me $26.59 before.”

    Me: “Oh yeah, it’s because it was something like 26.595 and I just truncated the number instead of rounding it, but the computer rounds automatically.”

    Customer: “I find it very interesting that it would round in favor of itself.”

    Me: “Um, that’s just how rounding works. If it had been 26.594 it would have rounded down.”

    Customer: “I just find it *very* interesting that the customer loses out on this.”

    Me: “…”

    Oh, What’s A Little Third Degree Burn Anyway

    | Los Gatos, CA, USA |

    (In high school I worked at a do-it-yourself pottery painting store. Customers would purchase a blank piece of pottery and paint it with colored glazes, and we would fire the finished pieces overnight in kilns. Pick-up time for pieces is 6:30pm. A customer shows up at 10am wanting her piece.)

    Customer: “Yeah, I painted something yesterday and I want to pick it up.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but your piece is still in the kiln. I can probably have it to you by 4 if you can’t wait until 6:30.”

    Customer: “Why can’t I have it now?”

    Me: “Because it’s still in the kiln, and it needs to finish baking and cool for several hours before I can take it out.”

    Customer: “But can’t you just get mine out now?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but the kiln is running at 1600 degrees and is locked shut. Even if I could get it open and get your piece out without killing myself, the piece would shatter from cooling too fast.”

    Customer: “Can’t you just get it out?”

    Me: *facepalm*

    Captain Obvious’ Evil Twin

    | Milton, ON, Canada |

    (My coworker is approached at the till by a woman, somewhere in her 40s.)

    Customer: “How long does your one-hour service take?”

    (My coworker looks at me, and without missing a beat…)

    Me: “A week.”

    Customer: “Oh, nevermind then.” *walks off*

    (The coworker and I look at each other and start to laugh.)

    Related:
    Captain Obvious Throws In The Towel
    Captain Obvious’ Revenge
    The Son Of Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious Strikes Back

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