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  • Customer Service Is Over(reaction)
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    Suddenly, I Feel Very Sorry For Her Child

    | Colorado, USA |

    Woman: Excuse me, I’ve lost my child somewhere in the store.

    Me: “Okay, I’ll get someone right away.”

    (I call in a code yellow.)

    Me: “Okay, how old is your child?”

    Woman: “She’d just turned three. Ooohhh, what if she’s been kidnapped?”

    Me: “Don’t worry, I’m sure that’s not the case.”

    (Security comes up to talk to her and she turns around.)

    Security: “Ma’am, how many children do you have?”

    Woman: “Just one, why?”

    Security: “Because your child is on your back.”

    (She was wearing one of those harnesses.)

    Customer: Impossible

    | Chicago suburbs, IL, USA |

    Old man: “I need a new phone! But I don’t want all those fancy bells and whistles on it!”

    Me: “Ok, well we have some more basic phones over–”

    Old man: “No I don’t want caller ID!”

    Me: “Hmm…well all the phones we carry have caller ID on them. It’s a pretty standard feature nowadays.”

    Old man: “Yeah but I don’t have that service, so I’d just be wasting my money on a feature I don’t use!”

    (This sort of this goes on for about 10 minutes. At one point another customer enters the aisle doing her own shopping. He looks over my shoulder and yells to her “Go find someone else! He’s helping me right now!”)

    (Finally he decides on a phone…)

    Old man: “Does this one have a wall mount?”

    Me: “Yes sir, it’s wall mountable.”

    Old man: “Show me!”

    Me: “We can’t really open product-”

    Old man: “No, show me!”

    (I think, “Screw it,” and open the box and take everything out to show him)

    Me: “See? Wall mounts.”

    Old man: “Ok fine, I’ll take it.”

    (I spend 10 minutes trying to get the freaking phone back in the box exactly how it was packaged, which is a lot harder than it sounds.)

    Me: “Ok…here you go.”

    Old man: “No, I don’t want that one, it’s been opened!”

    (I nearly beat him to death with his cane.)

    Breaking The Terms of Service, LA-Style

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (A customer is looking at a laptop. I approach to help.)

    Me: “That’s a really great computer.”

    Customer: “I don’t need a computer. I need wireless internet.”

    Me: “Alright, how much range do you need cover?”

    Customer, dead serious: “From here to Santa Monica.”

    (Note: This is about a distance of ten miles.)

    Me: “Alright, let’s start over. This time I’ll be from the future.”

    Let’s Hope The Covenant Hates Rock ‘n Roll

    , | Fairfax, VA, USA |

    (To provide some context, we have a display for Guitar Hero 3 set up which, among other things, has a playable guitar, a big huge sign that says GUITAR HERO 3, and a display “case” that has the guitar from the game and the game set up to look real pretty.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m not sure what my son wanted, it was something 3…Hylo…”

    Me: “Halo 3?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that’s it! Do you have that?”

    Me: “Sure, it’s just in the back, let me go grab a copy.”

    (After I go in the back and grab a copy…)

    Customer: “Wait a minute, where’s the guitar? I want the one with the guitar.”

    Me: “Uh… oh, you must’ve been looking for Guitar Hero 3! I don’t have the one bundled with the guitar right now, but if you already have the guitar you can buy just the game.”

    Customer: “No, you do, it’s over here!”

    Me: “Oh, really? Where’d you see it?”

    (This is Christmas season; things can magically appear from nowhere at a moment’s notice, so I’m not surprised she said that. I follow the customer over, and she points to that clear display I mentioned earlier.)

    Customer: “See? You DO have the guitar.”

    Me: “No ma’am, that’s just our display just to show you what comes with the box when we have it.”

    Customer: “But… I see the game, right here! It’s right here!”

    Me: “No ma’am, that’s just empty. It’s just all there to look nice.”

    Customer, flustered: “What’s the difference between Halo 3 and Guitar Hero 3, exactly?”

    Me, stammering: “Uh… in Halo 3, you shoot aliens, and in Guitar Hero 3, you play rock music.”

    Customer: “Oh, he’d want Halo 3, then.”

    Me: “Okay, let me go and get that copy for you I left in the back.”

    (After grabbing it…)

    Customer: “Where’s the guitar?”

    (At this point, to spare the readers, I went through the ENTIRE conversation again.)

    Customer: “But someone on the phone told us you had the Halo 3 Special Edition.”

    Me: “Yes, we do, that’s this in my ha–”

    Customer: “So why aren’t you selling it to me? I want it with the guitar.”

    Me, stifling laughter: “Ma’am, look, I can’t really say it any clearer. We have Halo 3. Halo 3 is not played with a guitar. We do NOT have Guitar Hero 3. Guitar Hero 3 is played with a guitar.”

    Customer: “Oh for god’s sake. We drive all the way here and you people don’t even know what the **** you’re talking about. I’m going to Best Buy.”

    Me: “You do that, ma’am. Have a nice day!”

    Fighting Fire With Fire

    | Florida, USA |

    (Customer walks up and beings speaking in Spanish.)

    Me: “Umm, I don’t speak Spanish.”

    Customer: “Oh, ah…” *continues speaking Spanish*

    Me: “I don’t understand.”

    Customer: *speaks Spanish*

    Me, in Swedish: “Jag pratar inte Spanska sa jag!”

    *customer runs away*

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