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    Methinks Thou Hast A Stick Up Thine Arse

    | Salem, OR, USA |

    (I’ve worked in a convenience store and a computer shop, and I’ve got a little joke about credit cards and a disarming smile and laugh that people seem to enjoy…but this once…)

    Customer: “Do you guys take credit cards?”

    Me, smiling: “Sure do, but we don’t give ‘em back.”

    Customer, very angry: “You’d g*dd*mn better give it back or I’ll have you arrested on the spot!”

    Me: “That was a joke …”

    The Adventures Of Captain Obvious

    , , , , | Everywhere |

    Me: “Would you like the 4-piece meal or the 6-piece meal?”
    Customer: “What’s the difference?”

    ——–

    Me: “Would you like the quarter pound classic burger or the half pound classic burger?”
    Customer: “Which one is bigger?”

    ——–

    Customer: “How big is the 6 inch?”

    ——–

    Customer: “How many come in a four-pack?”

    ——–

    Customer: “Is your Sunday special on Sundays only?”

    ——–

    Customer: “Does your turkey chic pea chili soup have beef in it?”

    ——–

    Customer: “What flavor is your vanilla ice cream?”

    ——–

    Customer: “What’s the difference between the lemon and the vanilla?”

    ——–

    Customer: “Hi, do you sell books here?”
    Me: “This is a bookstore, ma’am.”

    ——–

    Me: “Thank you for calling Pittsford Plaza Cinema, how may I help you?”
    Customer: “Yes, hello. Are you located in the Pittsford Plaza?”

    ——–

    Me: “Thank you for calling Saltgrass Steakhouse in Meyerland Plaza where our gift cards make great holiday stocking stuffers. How may I assist you?”
    Customer: “Hi, is this Saltgrass?”
    Me: “Yes.”
    Customer: “In Meyerland right?”
    Me: “Yes…”
    Customer: “Do you have giftcards?”‘
    *click*

    Everyone’s A Comedian

    , | Richmond, VA, USA |

    (A customer calls our store and asks about a computer.)

    Customer: “Hello, I was wondering how big the hard drives in y’all’s computers are?”

    Me: “Well the largest hard drive size we have is 1 terabyte. You can get four of those–”

    Customer: *cuts me off* “A terawhat? I’ve heard of a pterodactyl!” *screeches like a pterodactyl might have and hangs up the phone*

    Big Ticket Items Will Require A Goat

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (It was late into my eight hour shift at a huge retail drugstore chain, and I was getting tired of dumb questions.)

    Customer: “Do you take credit cards here?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. We only take live chickens and large rocks.”

    (The customer actually had a sense of humor and started laughing, while my manager was laughing too hard to yell at me.)

    The Pope Might Have Something To Say About That

    | Virginia Beach, VA, USA |

    Customer: “Sir, it is a sin to sell these Halloween decorations.”

    Me: “How else could folks get them?”

    Customer: “That’s not the point. Halloween is for Devil Worshippers.”

    Me: “No, it’s a Christian holiday, ushering in All Saints’ Day.”

    Customer: “No, that’s Catholic. I’m a Christian.”

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