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    Aloha, Mofo

    | San Diego | Top

    Me: “Hello! How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hablas espa√±ol?”

    Me: “Sorry, no.”

    Customer: “Why not? Why didn’t your parents teach you?”

    Me: “Because we’re Hawaiian.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s not an excuse.”

    Me: “Do you speak Hawaiian?”

    Customer: “Of course not, I’m Colombian.”

    Me: “Well, that’s no excuse.”

    Too Bad They Don’t Sell Brains Too

    | Milford, CT, USA |

    (I’m shopping in the dollar store, fully clothed in my Taco Bell uniform. I even have the hat on, too.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, sir, do you work here?”

    Me: “Does it LOOK like I work here?”

    Customer: “Yes?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Oh…well, do you know how much this is?”

    Me: “It’s a dollar.”

    Customer: “How did you know that if you didn’t work here?”

    Me: “Lady, do you have ANY idea where you are right now? You are in a dollar store. Do you know what that means?”

    Customer: “That’s impossible.”

    Me: “…what?”

    Customer: “This store doesn’t sell dollars.”

    (At this point I didn’t know whether I should slap her or retreat and laugh till I puked.)

    Customer Knows Best

    | Perimeter, GA, USA | Top

    (We are running this little sale that offers the customer 20% off on regular priced item.)

    Customer: “So, can I use the sale coupon on sale items?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, the coupon is only good on regularly priced item.”

    Customer: “What about sale items?”

    Me: “It can only be used on regularly priced items.”

    Customer: “But the shoes were $109, and now they are $79.”

    Me: “We can only use it on regularly priced items.”

    Customer: “But it’s marked down!”

    Me: *losing patience, but still with a smile* “I’m sorry, but again we can only use it on regularly priced items.”

    Customer: “Well, then make my shoes regular priced and give me my 20%!”

    Me: “Sure, I’d be happy to. You grand total comes to $87.20.”

    Customer: “Finally! I swear, all you people try to do is swindle us out of buying sale items with that regular priced coupon. But I see through what you’re trying to do.”

    Me: “Yes. I’ll do everything I can to give you the best deal you want.”

    Not Even Remotely Intelligent

    , | Roanoke, VA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, you sold me a television remote control earlier…”

    (Note that this same customer bought a universal remote control and required five minutes of explanation as to why a universal remote would work on her Magnavox TV.)

    Me: “Yes, what about it?”

    Customer: “Well, I can’t program it.”

    Me: “Did you read the instruction manual? There’s not much I can do over the phone.”

    Customer: “Can’t you program it over the phone?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. You need to program it to your television. Without being there, I can’t do it.”

    Customer: “No lights come on, is there a battery in it?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. That type of remote comes with a battery.”

    Customer: “You’re not helpful!” *click*

    (A few minutes later, she calls back.)

    Customer: “Yes, I called about the remote. I still can’t program it. I don’t think you gave me a battery and I think you ripped me off.”

    Me: “Could you flip the remote over and see if there is a battery in it?”

    Customer: “Yeah, hold on…hey, what’s this? What about this tab that says “Remove Before Using”? Should I take that out?”

    Me: *major facepalm* “Yes ma’am. ”

    Customer: “Hey, the lights work now. Finally, you did something useful!” *click*

    (Not surprisingly, the lady calls back a few minutes later asking if the volume plus button was the one with the up arrow or the down arrow.)

    Mega Moochers, Inc.

    | Abu Dhabi, UAE | Top

    We are a Specialist Inspection company. Over two years ago, we did a job at short notice for another company that could not supply the service. They refused to pay us the US$40,000 despite getting paid by the client (and making a decent profit) and we were in the process of taking them to court to get payment.

    They were making the matter even more drawn out than normal by messing the court about, not turning up, etc. I recently got a phone call from their operations manager.

    Customer: “Ah, Mr. A***, we need you to do an urgent job for us.”

    Me: “…but you still owe us $40,000 from the last job we did for you.”

    Customer: “What about the good relationship between our companies?

    Me: “We don’t have a good relationship. We are taking you to court over this, remember?”

    Customer: “Please Mr. A***, that is all in the past. Can we not work together, for the good of the relationship?”

    Me: “The last time I saw you, you lied to me. Your manager has only ever lied to me. You owe us $40,000 dollars. We are taking you to court. How can we have a good relationship?”

    Customer: “We must work together, to build a good relationship.”

    Me: “What about our money?”

    Customer: “You are always going on about the money! Why can’t we have a good relationship?”

    Me: “It’s not going to happen.”

    Customer: “See, that is why we need a good relationship!”

    Me: “Goodbye.”

    Customer: “But what ab–” *click*

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