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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • If At First You Don’t Succeed, Ask, Ask Again

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (I’d just finished helping a customer pick out everything she needs to start oil painting.)

    Customer: “Do you sell drop cloths?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, no. We don’t even sell anything like that.”

    Customer: “Well, what about tarps?”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t sell those, either.”

    Customer: “Do you have any plastic sheeting I could lay on my floor, in case my oil paint drips?”

    Me: “No, ma’am.”

    Customer: “What about vinyl sheeting?”

    Me: “With all due respect, I answered your question the first time you asked it. It doesn’t matter how many times you reword your question, we simply don’t have what you’re looking for.”

    Customer: “Well, do you have anything similar?”

    Me: “…”

    Oh My, Aren’t We Sneaky Today

    | Netherlands |

    (I’m working at a well-known Scandinavian furniture store. Our children’s supervised play area only allows ages 3 to 6. Parents need to fill in a form with the names of the children and the address…)

    Customer: *writes down age 7*

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but only children from 3 until 6 are allowed to play in here.”

    Customer: *makes a 6 out of the 7 and looks at me with a big smile*

    Me: “…”

    The Wind Beneath My Swings

    , | Boston, MA, USA |

    Caller: “The swing set was delivered yesterday, and… it’s fine, but I need instructions.”

    Me: “No problem, I’ll email them to you right now. Are you missing anything from your shipment? If you are, let me know and I can get those right out for you.”

    Caller: “Um, no. I’m not missing anything, but I do have one question.”

    Me: “Sure, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Well, I got the swing set and… well… thank you for the added accessory, but where do I put it? I mean, how do I attach it to the set?”

    Me: “Which accessory, sir?”

    Caller: “The toilet seat.”

    Me: “The what?!”

    Caller: “Yeah, and I just want to know how I attach it to the swing set?”

    Me: “Um, ok. First of all, you don’t put toilet seats on your child’s swing set. Secondly, that wasn’t in your shipment from us. The trucking company must have gotten some boxes mixed up.”

    Caller: “Ooooooohh…” *speaking to someone off the phone* “HEY JOE! Don’t open that box! That toilet seat isn’t ours! It doesn’t go on the set!”

    (I would just like to state for the record that “toilet seat” and “swing set” should NEVER be used in the same sentence.)

    Those Silly Colonies And Their Quaint Rebellion

    , | West Branch, MI, USA |

    (We have a lot of patriotic displays up in the store windows for the 4th of July: flags, red white and blue balloons, Uncle Sam hats, etc.)

    Old lady 1: “Wow, look at all of these! It’s Christmas in July.”

    Old lady 2: “I love it when they do this. I love crazy things like Christmas in July!”

    Aaaa-men, Brotha

    | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    (When I was a teenager I worked in a skateboard shop in the mall. I was working with my buddy and we see a loud, filthy group of guys coming down the hall towards our store.)

    Loud, filthy customer #1: ¬†”You guys sell hackie sacks, the kind with sand in ‘em?”

    Me: ¬†”Yup, right there.” *pointing*

    Loud, filthy customer #2: “What’s the return policy?”

    Me: “Thirty days with a receipt.”

    Loud, filthy customer #2: ¬†”So, if I shoot this hackie sack with mah sawed-off 12-gauge and run it over in mah truck, you’ll still take it back?¬†HAW HAW!”

    Me: ¬†”Heh, no. Thanks, guys.”

    (They leave. All the while, my coworker has been there, arms crossed, not moving an inch, with a cold, dead, angry stare.)

    Coworker: ¬†”Cousins need to STOP f***ing.”

    (I’d never laughed so hard in my life.)

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