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    | Alberta, Canada |

    Customer: “You have shoe with knife on bottom?”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer: “Shoe with knife on bottom!”

    Me: “Do you mean ice skates?”

    Customer: “Yes, skate!”

    Me: “Yes, we do sell ice skates.”

    Customer: “NO! You have skate?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Customer: “So you have shoe with knife on bottom?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

    Me: “You’re welcome–”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

    Me: “You’re wel–”

    Customer: “Thank you!”

    *click*

    Yes, It’s For My Longmower

    , | Chesapeake, VA, USA |

    Me: “Lawn and Garden, this is Karen.”

    (The customer, a very nice lady, explains that she needs a part number for a belt on her riding lawn mower, but she can’t find the manual and doesn’t know the model number of the mower. I have her describe the mower for me so I can narrow it down.)

    Customer: “Well, it’s last year’s Cub Cadet model with the 48 inch dick.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I mean DECK!!”

    (It took me a good minute or two to stop laughing.)

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    Okay, That Was A Little Mean

    | Washington, D.C., USA |

    (Our store was pretty dead on this night; no one came in for at least half an hour before closing, but like good employees we kept the doors unlocked until our registers read 8 o’clock on the dot. I lock the doors, and five minutes later, a woman walks up to the door.)

    Customer: *pulls on door, notices it’s locked, pulls harder*

    Me: “I’m sorry, we’re closed. But we’ll be open at nine tomorrow.”

    Customer: “What the h***?”

    Me: “Ma’am, we closed five minutes ago. I’m sorry, but our hours are posted.”

    Customer: “This is insane, it’s 7:59! You shouldn’t lock the doors so early.”

    Me: “Our registers show that it’s 8:07–” (I look at my watch and my cell phone) “–and I’ve got 8:08. I’m sorry, we open at nine tomorrow.”

    Customer: “I just need a few things! It won’t take long.”

    Me: “Our registers are closed, so there’s no money in them. You can come back tomorrow at nine. Even if it was 7:59, it takes more than one minute to shop and check out.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous! I just need a few things.”

    Me: “Fine.”

    (I unlock the doors to let her in; my coworker finishes closing the registers. The woman runs around the store for ten minutes, grabbing several things that probably could have waited until morning, and plops them down on the register.)

    Coworker: *smiles* “Did you find everything you needed?”

    Customer: “Yes, thanks.”

    Coworker: “Unfortunately, our registers have been closed for 20 minutes and I can’t ring the sale after hours. Would you like me to hold it for you until tomorrow?”

    (The customer’s jaw drops. I go to hold the door open for her.)

    Me: “We open at nine.”

    (Coworker and I high-five.)

    There Are No Stupid Questions, Just Stupid People, Part 2

    , | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (I overheard a coworker trying to help someone choose a plant.)

    Coworker: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a nice plant for the front of my house.”

    Coworker: “Alright, we have a number of excellent options to choose from. What kind of sun exposure does the spot get?”

    Customer: “Well… it’s light all day, then dark at night.”

    Me: *losing hope*

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    There Are No Stupid Questions, Just Stupid People

    I See Purple Triangles And Rainbows In Your Future

    , | California, USA |

    (A boy and his mother come up to my register. The boy starts asking questions about the ant farm we have on display.)

    Boy: “Can they mate?”

    Me: “No, there’s no queen in there.”

    Boy: “Oh… so they can’t mate?”

    Me: “No, they’re all male.”

    Boy: “So they can’t?”

    Mother: *turns to boy* “Okay, shut up or go away! You’re being annoying!”

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